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New San Francisco 49ers’ Stadium To Include Bay Area’s Second Biggest ER

Santa Clara, CA – Wednesday
By Joshua Mauldin

Yesterday’s breaking news that Super Bowl L will be held at the new home of the San Francisco 49ers delighted fans of the home city. Today’s announcement that the stadium will also include the bay area’s second biggest emergency room should make opposing fans a little more comfortable.

“I wasn’t planning on going to the game in San Francisco,” said Seattle Seahawks’ fan Jameson Hall. “But now that I know there’s a fully functioning ER in case I get shivved in the parking lot, I’m considering it.”

In addition to a massive emergency room, Levi Stadium also comes equipped with a robust prison section.

“This is such a relief,” sighed Duncan Aimes, Head of Levi Stadium Security. “On game day at Candlestick, the holding cells were always packed to capacity with people wearing Joe Mantana jerseys. Now we shouldn’t have any problem storing all the hooligans, malcontents and drunken thugs we had to turn away before.”

Feature Image Credit: Blog SFGate