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North Carolina Votes To Ban British Monarchy Rule; Reinstates Prima Nocta

Raleigh, NC – Tuesday
By Joshua Mauldin

Less than a week after outlawing Sharia Law – a set of so-called divinely inspired moral directives practiced by certain fundamentalist muslims – North Carolina passed House Bill 696, a measure reaffirming the non-recognition of British monarch authority in the their state.

Though the royal crown is largely a symbolic institution with no official legislative power, North Carolina Republicans felt the gesture was still necessary. “We’re Americans,” said Representative Harold Kent, “we don’t want Mohammed Mo-Whatever or the King of England coming into our state and telling our citizens what to do.”


Attached at the last minute to HB696 was a controversial provision that grants male state officials “privileges” with all newly-wed females on their wedding night. “A man has a right to know that his wife is pure, we’re simply creating a way to certify it.”

The measure calls for a male Republican member of the house or senate to escort the bride to a nearby room, wherein after a few minutes of inspection, he will return a “token of virginity” to the groom as proof of his wife’s virtue.

“We’re not exactly sure what we’ll accept as a token,” admitted Kent, “right now it’s a white towel with blood on it but we’re still hammering out the details. No pun intended.”