North Korea Announces Completion Of World’s Only Manned Drone [Daily News Brief]

Pyongyang, NK – Tuesday
By Joshua Mauldin

North Korea shocked the world this morning by announcing the release of a brand new technology capable of transporting a small nuclear weapon hundreds of miles without refueling. Speaking from the capital to a throng of cheering citizens, Press Security Ryong praised North Korean ingenuity and vision, noting it’s the only manned drone in the world. “Once again the DPRK is at the cutting edge of military technology. Unmanned drones have no pilot. Stupid.”

Later, during a conference call with confused UN officials, Ryong backtracked. “No [expletive deleted] guys, it’s from the 1950′s. We keep our people so starved and uneducated they believe any load of elephant [expletive deleted] we tell them. It’s the beauty of a crushing facistic government. I can say whatever I want to you and it doesn’t matter because we control their only news source. I mean seriously, they literally don’t know the difference between a submarine and a submarine sandwich. Though Kim Jong-un sure as hell does, huh? AmIright? Crap, shouldn’t have said that. Oh Jesus. Well, it’s been fun guys. Please tell my wife I love…”

UPDATE - Korean Central News Agency is reporting that Press Security Ryong tragically choked to death on a submarine sandwich. Western sources believe his wife has not been informed of his affection and expect her to have trouble swallowing a hoagie within the hour.

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