Not Pregnant [No Hello Friday Again] Apr08

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Not Pregnant [No Hello Friday Again]

So we found out on Wednesday that our transfer did not succeed. I’m not pregnant and we’re down to our two last eggs. My hopes are not high, but they reman alive and in some situations that’s the most one can ask for. I am beginning to see bizarre silver linings in the situation. After this next cycle, it is over. No more houhah ultrasound exams, no more weekly blood draws (I am dark-skinned with thin veins, so that process has been particularly nightmarish), no more waiting.

Though I’m sad about the possibility of not being able to increase our family size (we are heavily considering not pursuing adoption now), I am starting to cobble together a new version of what our lives might look like with just one child: ¬†better vacations, earlier retirement for CH, even better schools for Betty, more freedom, more of everything except children.

So the plan is to go on fertility drugs after my next period and try one last IVF cycle. After this we are out of both embryos and budgeted money for this process. And we’ve already decided as a couple not to put ourselves through it again next year if it doesn’t work this last time.

For IVF Part Deux, I was all want, want, want. For IVF Part Tres, I kept my hope in a chokehold and didn’t dare to want this pregnancy too badly. Though I’m happy that I didn’t go off the rails again on Wednesday, I’ve come to the conclusion that for IVF Part Four, I must learn to be okay with wanting something badly, and if I don’t get it, I must then accept that, though I’m sure it will take some time. I imagine myself letting hope out of my chokehold, and zipping up a leather jacket around my heart instead, just enough to protect it from the cold and easy to take off if the sun comes out.

Thank you all for your prayers and warm wishes. I truly appreciate them and you.

100% Love,

etc

featured image credit: slayerphoto