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Not Pregnant [No Hello Friday Again]
So we found out on Wednesday that our transfer did not succeed. I’m not pregnant and we’re down to our two last eggs. My hopes are not high, but they reman alive and in some situations that’s the most one can ask for. I am beginning to see bizarre silver linings in the situation. After this next cycle, it is over. No more houhah ultrasound exams, no more weekly blood draws (I am dark-skinned with thin veins, so that process has been particularly nightmarish), no more waiting.
Though I’m sad about the possibility of not being able to increase our family size (we are heavily considering not pursuing adoption now), I am starting to cobble together a new version of what our lives might look like with just one child: better vacations, earlier retirement for CH, even better schools for Betty, more freedom, more of everything except children.
So the plan is to go on fertility drugs after my next period and try one last IVF cycle. After this we are out of both embryos and budgeted money for this process. And we’ve already decided as a couple not to put ourselves through it again next year if it doesn’t work this last time.
For IVF Part Deux, I was all want, want, want. For IVF Part Tres, I kept my hope in a chokehold and didn’t dare to want this pregnancy too badly. Though I’m happy that I didn’t go off the rails again on Wednesday, I’ve come to the conclusion that for IVF Part Four, I must learn to be okay with wanting something badly, and if I don’t get it, I must then accept that, though I’m sure it will take some time. I imagine myself letting hope out of my chokehold, and zipping up a leather jacket around my heart instead, just enough to protect it from the cold and easy to take off if the sun comes out.
Thank you all for your prayers and warm wishes. I truly appreciate them and you.
100% Love,
etc
featured image credit: slayerphoto
I’m sorry to hear this sad news. I will continue to pray for your next treatment. I will also continue to encourage you to pursue adoption. There are many, MANY children in this country and around the world that are desperate for a family. Maybe consider foster parenting, you never know what God will bring.
We’ve actually already heavily considered both. Fostering in California comes with a number of components that I wouldn’t be able to handle emotionally, and the adoption process can be even more expensive than the IVF process. Depending on how both our careers go in the future, we might consider fostering or adoption again, but for both emotional and financial reasons, it’s probably going to come off the table for 2012.
Sorry to hear that.
As always I am blown away by your budgetary and emotional self-control. For 7 years I was all want-want-want, from the wallet and from the heart.
Fingers crossed for this last cycle.
Thanks! If I can ever properly get my thoughts together on the subject, I plan to do a post on how being former starving artists affects both our budgeting and our infertility process.
There are some good things to be said about learning to deal with lots of rejection and negative bank statements early in your career. It puts the rest of your life in perspective and makes stuff like budgeting and not getting what you truly want a little bit easier.
Thanks! If I can ever properly get my thoughts together on the subject, I plan to do a post on how being former starving artists affects both our budgeting and our infertility process.
There are some good things to be said about learning to deal with lots of rejection and negative bank statements early in your career. It puts the rest of your life in perspective and makes stuff like budgeting and not getting what you truly want a little bit easier.
So sorry to hear this. I’ll be thinking about you guys and praying the next round takes.
Thanks Debra. Much appreciated.
So sorry to hear it didn’t take. Keeping my fingers crossed and sending prayers up for the next round.
Thanks so much, L. Marie. Love your tag.
Sorry to hear the news…I like that you two are smart parents and are considering the options and their implications. And a little story – my friends did IVF two times & got pregnant right after they thought things were not going to pan out…. ;)
That story makes me happy. Thanks so much!