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Oh, It’s Tuesday: My Least Favorite Myths About My Interracial Relationship

CH and I on our honeymoon. Man, I was sad when I broke those pink sunglasses.
One of the reasons I’ve been avoiding talking about being in an interracial relationship is because to me it’s no big deal, which is maybe the most surprising thing about being in an interracial relationship. Though neither CH nor I are average, our courtship wasn’t outside of the ordinary.
We met at a bar, then talked for a few moments at few different events, he asked me on a date, we fell in love, I moved in with him, and then he asked me to marry him in the privacy of our home after about a year of dating. Millions of people throughout history and across the world have this exact same courtship story.
Only thing is I’m black and he’s white.
However, I’ve noticed that the media and many black bloggers who both support and don’t support interracial relationships want to give my relationship a script that it simply does not have, so I wanted to spend the first day or our series dispelling three of those myths.
1. I don’t hate black men. I think a lot of people assume that if a black woman marries a white man that she must have been terribly hurt by a black man. For the record all of the black men I have dated have been lovely. A couple of them have also been on the marriage track. But none of them have been CH. I like CH better than any man of any color that I have ever dated. Period.
2. I didn’t settle because I was desperate for a husband. Now this is the myth that irritates me the most. Black men aren’t considered desperate for marriage when they marry white women. Asian women aren’t considered desperate for marriage when they marry white men. But somehow the media spins this story that black women who want to get married settle for white men because they can’t find a black man. Please don’t get it twisted; CH is awesome, and I am deeply in love with him. If you ask me who the best man I have ever known is, I will answer, CH. Without blinking. I have a lot in common, we have similar goals, and he is completely supportive of me. My friends have straight-up told me that I’ve become a better and 10x happier woman since meeting CH, and I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with him, it’s scary. I think this myth is insulting to both black women and white men, who if the media and certain bloggers are to be believed, can’t simply fall in love for the usual romantic reasons.
3. I’m not less black because I’m in an IR relationship. I wish people would retire this notion all together. If you really think of black people in terms of “acting black” or “acting white,” then you probably haven’t met very many black people throughout the diaspora. Get a passport, hit a few countries, then come back and tell me I “act white.” Otherwise, I’m not even engaging in conversation with people who insist on thinking that if you marry outside your race, speak English as taught in school, and have white friends, then you “want to be white.” That’s just a frustrating and ignorant viewpoint.
Having spoken on those myths, I am aware that there are two big elephants in the room that I haven’t tackled: We’ll get into “Black Love” on Wednesday. And though I’ve spoken here about how straight forward being in an IR is, I’m not going to lie, it is different from same-race relationships in a lot of ways — we’ll get into that on Thursday.
Until then, please weigh in on these myths that I’ve listed above and feel free to add some of your own if you’re also in an IR.
Best!
etc
Looking forward to reading more… I am also a BW who is in a relationship with a WM.
Looking forward to reading more… I am also a BW who is in a relationship with a WM.
Oh my god. You're in an interracial relationship?!
:-)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and perspectives.
Oh my god. You're in an interracial relationship?!
:-)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and perspectives.
Right on sista!
Right on sista!
Ernessa,
Who me? Some of my "best relatives are black men." :) The only requirements I had for the men I dated when I met my husband were that they didn't smoke, weren't Dallas Cowboy fans, and also weren't crazy. At that time, marriage was the last thing on my mind. I never dreamed of the white wedding gown (mine was ivory – no symbolism there) getting married when I was younger, but figured I would some day. He just happened to catch me on a good day.
The last point about "acting black/white" haunted (and truly annoyed me – still does) throughout my life. I hated that some people would think that just because I spoke proper English that I was trying to be other than whom I truly was – just another educated person. My Grandmother was an English teacher and my mother was her daughter, so there was no way of avoiding that upbringing.
The Dallas Cowboy's deal breaker is a good one and I think women of all races should think of taking on that one. Seriously, it would make the world a much better place…
Ernessa,
Who me? Some of my "best relatives are black men." :) The only requirements I had for the men I dated when I met my husband were that they didn't smoke, weren't Dallas Cowboy fans, and also weren't crazy. At that time, marriage was the last thing on my mind. I never dreamed of the white wedding gown (mine was ivory – no symbolism there) getting married when I was younger, but figured I would some day. He just happened to catch me on a good day.
The last point about "acting black/white" haunted (and truly annoyed me – still does) throughout my life. I hated that some people would think that just because I spoke proper English that I was trying to be other than whom I truly was – just another educated person. My Grandmother was an English teacher and my mother was her daughter, so there was no way of avoiding that upbringing.
The Dallas Cowboy's deal breaker is a good one and I think women of all races should think of taking on that one. Seriously, it would make the world a much better place…
Ernessa,
It said my comment was too long, so here is the rest. You asked, so I thought I'd share my point of view…
continued from above:
I’m still reeling from how many people were in awe at the “fictitious” portrayal of the black family on the Cosby show. That was all I knew. It was the portrayal of the drug dealers, pimps, etc. that totally freaked me out. Who were those people?
I’m looking forward to the rest of your posts.
Ernessa,
It said my comment was too long, so here is the rest. You asked, so I thought I'd share my point of view…
continued from above:
I’m still reeling from how many people were in awe at the “fictitious” portrayal of the black family on the Cosby show. That was all I knew. It was the portrayal of the drug dealers, pimps, etc. that totally freaked me out. Who were those people?
I’m looking forward to the rest of your posts.
Seriously awesome piece.
Seriously awesome piece.
i concur with my co-editor, lily the pink.
amazing piece. also, you and i have more in common than i thought! didn't know your hubby is white. my mother is white and jewish and my father is black and catholic. i've spent my entire life battling the "you act so white" and "you're so articulate" nonsense. also, my last serious relationship was with a white dude.
what's the worst? having your non-black friends claim (even in jest) "I'm blacker than you." makes me stabby.
if i had two extra hands, i'd give this post four thumbs up!
That's happened to me once or twice w/ white friends, and it actually made me want to "get really black" with them and cuss them the eff out … but I didn't. Oh, missed opportunities!
i concur with my co-editor, lily the pink.
amazing piece. also, you and i have more in common than i thought! didn't know your hubby is white. my mother is white and jewish and my father is black and catholic. i've spent my entire life battling the "you act so white" and "you're so articulate" nonsense. also, my last serious relationship was with a white dude.
what's the worst? having your non-black friends claim (even in jest) "I'm blacker than you." makes me stabby.
if i had two extra hands, i'd give this post four thumbs up!
That's happened to me once or twice w/ white friends, and it actually made me want to "get really black" with them and cuss them the eff out … but I didn't. Oh, missed opportunities!
I think you touched on a lot of great points.
To the comment above by milk & honey mommy. I know I was in awe of the "fictious" Cosby show portrayal of black family, and I when I was in college I went after black guys looking for that. But the ones I was with who were sucessful men didn't want to settle down at all and wanted to be players, so that's when I decided to broaden my horizons and started dating outside my race.
I dated a Puerto Rican man (who wanted to settle down too quickly), then a white man (who wanted to be a player), then I met my husband (who is white).
So I learned that players are in all races, you just need to find the man that is right for you whatever race he may be.
Exactly. I've actually been burned by more white men than black men. It's definitely not a race-based thing.
I think you touched on a lot of great points.
To the comment above by milk & honey mommy. I know I was in awe of the "fictious" Cosby show portrayal of black family, and I when I was in college I went after black guys looking for that. But the ones I was with who were sucessful men didn't want to settle down at all and wanted to be players, so that's when I decided to broaden my horizons and started dating outside my race.
I dated a Puerto Rican man (who wanted to settle down too quickly), then a white man (who wanted to be a player), then I met my husband (who is white).
So I learned that players are in all races, you just need to find the man that is right for you whatever race he may be.
Exactly. I've actually been burned by more white men than black men. It's definitely not a race-based thing.
Love the post!! One thing I've found out in life is that a good man is a good man. No one race has a monopoly on good men. I've always been the 'oreo' girl, eventhough I grow up in the hood. I've never pretended to be anything, but me. Some folks will always be uncomfortable with that. I was never 'acting' white I was just too damn nerdy to be cool. I remember I once asked a black guy I was dating if he wanted to go hiking. He looked at me and laughed as he stated," Unless there's a club at the top of the mountain, I ain't going. Anyway, black folks don't hike. What's wrong with you?" Nothing was wrong with me but I realized I had to be more open to those who liked what I liked. In turn, it was like United Nations at my house back in the day. LOL!!
Oh Yvonne, I actually told my husband that black people don't hike when he asked me to go with him, then complained the whole time when he convinced me to take one on the honeymoon pictured above. Hopefully he doesn't read this comment, or I might have some splainin' to do.
LOL!! Girl, I'm going tell on you!!!!! Seriously, I was in the military and learned to enjoy the 'little' hikes. That's also why I still love running too. But like I said before, I grew up in the hood , so yeah, I totally get the 'black folks don't hike' comment. I didn't grow up going camping, hiking, going to the theater or to the beach, but I was opened to these new experiences and realized I enjoyed them. When I find others( black or white) who are unwilling to even try something new….yeah, that kinda bugs me.
Now don't get me wrong, although I enjoyed certain "non-black' things, I can't say I enjoyed everything. I went skiing and that was a huge bust, but at least I tried it before I said never again.
Oh, yeah, I'm still telling!!!! LOL
Love the post!! One thing I've found out in life is that a good man is a good man. No one race has a monopoly on good men. I've always been the 'oreo' girl, eventhough I grow up in the hood. I've never pretended to be anything, but me. Some folks will always be uncomfortable with that. I was never 'acting' white I was just too damn nerdy to be cool. I remember I once asked a black guy I was dating if he wanted to go hiking. He looked at me and laughed as he stated," Unless there's a club at the top of the mountain, I ain't going. Anyway, black folks don't hike. What's wrong with you?" Nothing was wrong with me but I realized I had to be more open to those who liked what I liked. In turn, it was like United Nations at my house back in the day. LOL!!
Oh Yvonne, I actually told my husband that black people don't hike when he asked me to go with him, then complained the whole time when he convinced me to take one on the honeymoon pictured above. Hopefully he doesn't read this comment, or I might have some splainin' to do.
LOL!! Girl, I'm going tell on you!!!!! Seriously, I was in the military and learned to enjoy the 'little' hikes. That's also why I still love running too. But like I said before, I grew up in the hood , so yeah, I totally get the 'black folks don't hike' comment. I didn't grow up going camping, hiking, going to the theater or to the beach, but I was opened to these new experiences and realized I enjoyed them. When I find others( black or white) who are unwilling to even try something new….yeah, that kinda bugs me.
Now don't get me wrong, although I enjoyed certain "non-black' things, I can't say I enjoyed everything. I went skiing and that was a huge bust, but at least I tried it before I said never again.
Oh, yeah, I'm still telling!!!! LOL
Hahaha! I despised skiing too, though I love the wii fit version. You'll also be happy to know that I dislike camping and hiking b/c I grew up going to girl scout camp every summer and got my thorough fill of both. For like life. Don't snitch, Y!But yeah, I also hate when people refuse to even try things. I try to give everything at least one chance.
I love to hike. And I love that my husband loves to do it too. But I have heard the black folk don't hike thing before. LOL
This is annoying. My BFF also loves to hike. Is this becoming like a reverse stereotype. Does every BW in an IR like to hike except for me?
Hahaha! I despised skiing too, though I love the wii fit version. You'll also be happy to know that I dislike camping and hiking b/c I grew up going to girl scout camp every summer and got my thorough fill of both. For like life. Don't snitch, Y!
But yeah, I also hate when people refuse to even try things. I try to give everything at least one chance.
I love to hike. And I love that my husband loves to do it too. But I have heard the black folk don't hike thing before. LOL
This is annoying. My BFF also loves to hike. Is this becoming like a reverse stereotype. Does every BW in an IR like to hike except for me?
I think perhaps this blog needs to be required reading for everyone who went to my high school, several people I knew in college, a few grad school folks and I just might carry it around to hand out from time to time. I think the myth that has always been the most challenging for me is the "black enough" myth. I mean I joke with friends all the time about "getting my black card yanked," but deep down inside it is hard for me. I was being called an "oreo" long before I met my husband. I remember cleaning up "wanna be white bitch" when it was spray painted on my locker in school and having a girl I went to school with tell my African American Studies teacher, who happened to be Armenian, that he had as much right to teach the class as I had to be in it. So I must admit even today (and this is hard to be honest about), I found that I prefer for people (particularly black people) to get to know me before they know I am in a interracial marriage.
It's weird, b/c I think when I tell black people I'm married, they ASSUME I'm with a white man, so hiding my status isn't an otion. But the problem is that many black people hold these opins on blogs and IRL w/ their black friends, but won't say it to your face. So I'm not sure if we will ever really be able to truly dispel these myths.
I think perhaps this blog needs to be required reading for everyone who went to my high school, several people I knew in college, a few grad school folks and I just might carry it around to hand out from time to time. I think the myth that has always been the most challenging for me is the "black enough" myth. I mean I joke with friends all the time about "getting my black card yanked," but deep down inside it is hard for me. I was being called an "oreo" long before I met my husband. I remember cleaning up "wanna be white bitch" when it was spray painted on my locker in school and having a girl I went to school with tell my African American Studies teacher, who happened to be Armenian, that he had as much right to teach the class as I had to be in it. So I must admit even today (and this is hard to be honest about), I found that I prefer for people (particularly black people) to get to know me before they know I am in a interracial marriage.
It's weird, b/c I think when I tell black people I'm married, they ASSUME I'm with a white man, so hiding my status isn't an otion. But the problem is that many black people hold these opins on blogs and IRL w/ their black friends, but won't say it to your face. So I'm not sure if we will ever really be able to truly dispel these myths.
I Love this post and I'm re-posting on The Next Family. I love your voice E.
I Love this post and I'm re-posting on The Next Family. I love your voice E.