Oh, It’s Tuesday: What’s In A Name When You Don’t Change It?
It’s funny, b/c though I’m a feminist, it would never occur to me to get on top of another woman for changing her name after she got married.
For one thing, I do realize that this is a choice, and if you give people a choice, I don’t necessarily see why you would chastise anyone for not making the exact same choice that you would’ve made?
Also, I have a few conditions that made not changing my name particularly attractive: As a writer I place a lot more value on my name than a woman in a different profession might. Plus, I love my name. I mean really, really love it. My first name is unusual but not so much so that it’s embarrassing or particularly hard to explain. My middle initial fits in perfectly with my other two names, and because I loathe my middle name it comes with an air of mystery that it wouldn’t otherwise have if I didn’t often refuse to answer the question, “So what does the T stand for?” with anything but “Terrific!” And did I mention that my initials are “etc?” C’mon why would I ever want to change my name?
However, a few of my relatives have had a hard time understanding that. One of the few aunts who had dared to navigate the scary internets (with the help of her daughter of course) to access my shower registry confronted me about this at my St. Louis baby shower. “It still has Ernessa Carter in there? Is it so people who knew you before you got married can find you?”
I was blunt. “You know me, Aunt Ann. I kept my name.”
Aunt Ann looked truly mystified when she asked, “Why wouldn’t you take the name of the man you swore to love before God?”
Given my audience and the occasion, I decided not to crack open the subject of identity politics and my doubts about whether deities actually tracked whether or not you changed your name after marriage. Instead I said, “Because I really love my name and writers don’t change their name. We’re kind of like actresses that way.”
Aunt Ann gave the older black woman equivalent of a harrumph and we changed the subject to more agreeable topics.
She was actually the first relative to confront me about this. Many of my relatives have either assumed that I changed my name or aggressively ignored the fact that I told them I hadn’t. Either way, everyone in my family, save my sister, addresses all of their Christmas and birthday cards to Ernessa Hibbard. And my sister doesn’t send me birthday or Christmas cards.
Some members of the public aren’t much better.
Most hotels wave me through, when I tell them that I’m CH’s wife, even if there is a different name on my ID. But I had to wait in a San Diego lobby for CH to vouch for me when one male hotel clerk decided that he couldn’t let me up because I didn’t have the same last name as my husband. Also, there was the time when I went to St. Joseph’s to pick up CH’s X-rays for a broken shoulder and hand that he had suffered after a bike fall. The white-haired film clerk had the X-rays in her hand and was ready to hand them over to me, but then she saw that my ID said Carter as opposed to Hibbard, and she said that she couldn’t give them to me.
Mind you, my name was all over his hospital paperwork as his wife. CH wasn’t cleared to drive or write yet. And this was the last chance I had to get the X-rays before his big appointment with a hand specialist. I went to complain to the St. Joe’s officials, and they agreed that the woman wasn’t allowed to withhold films because our names were different. So she came back saying that this wasn’t the reason she had withheld the films. Now she couldn’t release them because there were laws that wouldn’t allow her to without the consent of CH, even if I was his wife and all over the admitting paperwork. So CH scribbled with his good right hand on a piece of white paper — he’s left-handed, so this literally looked like a child had written it — and he faxed in his permission.
Now, I knew this was basically bullshit, b/c if I was actually someone intent on stealing these films I could’ve gone to the nearest Kinko’s, pretended to be CH, and faxed in “my permission’ so that I could get his records — and I would’ve done a better job at it, too, since my handwriting wouldn’t have looked like a pre-schooler’s. This woman was just being ornery b/c I hadn’t changed my name and she felt that I should have. Of course I was fuming by the time I left the hospital with the hard-won X-rays in hand.
I love my name so much and these incidents are so few and far between that I usually don’t let them get to me. However, I am concerned that it’ll become an issue with Betty, since her last name will also be Hibbard. How about if some stupid film clerk, says I can’t get her X-rays because our last names aren’t the same, and so on and so on?
Though, as the population ages and more women decide to keep their names, I have to expect that these incidents will happen less often.
Also, in many more ways I’ve found it a lot more convenient NOT to change my name. No messy paperwork, no having to change my email, or risking old friends not being able to find me because of a new moniker. No new driver’s license, social security card or passport. I filed my marriage license and checked “Married” on my W-2 and that was about it. So you know, there are both upsides and downsides to not changing your name.
i also kept my name, and luckily, in our 7 years of marriage, i haven't run across any problems with having different names. but i too am concerned if we have kids that there will be an issue with me not having the same last name as the children. we've contemplated making up a name for all of us, but that just seems like it would confuse matters more. plus, i like my name, which is why i kept it in the first place.
and i usually book the hotel stays, so the front desk/room service/valet all call justin "Mr. Patrick" (my last name), which he happily answers to. tee hee.
i also kept my name, and luckily, in our 7 years of marriage, i haven't run across any problems with having different names. but i too am concerned if we have kids that there will be an issue with me not having the same last name as the children. we've contemplated making up a name for all of us, but that just seems like it would confuse matters more. plus, i like my name, which is why i kept it in the first place.
and i usually book the hotel stays, so the front desk/room service/valet all call justin "Mr. Patrick" (my last name), which he happily answers to. tee hee.
I get Mr Carter some times as well
I get Mr Carter some times as well
It's ok, Christian, The DJ referred to us as Mr. & Mrs. Zeller at our wedding.
I am actually surprised at the amount of friends who have recently gotten married and changed their last name. I thought I would be in the minority. I decided to change mine, but if my husband didn't have a good last name, I probably would have kept mine. I do miss my last name, but I still use it unofficially, or I just put both names so people know who I am (like on Facebook, or for work). I think it is totally fine to keep your last name, especially since many of us are getting married in our 30's now and have already established our careers.
It's ok, Christian, The DJ referred to us as Mr. & Mrs. Zeller at our wedding.
I am actually surprised at the amount of friends who have recently gotten married and changed their last name. I thought I would be in the minority. I decided to change mine, but if my husband didn't have a good last name, I probably would have kept mine. I do miss my last name, but I still use it unofficially, or I just put both names so people know who I am (like on Facebook, or for work). I think it is totally fine to keep your last name, especially since many of us are getting married in our 30's now and have already established our careers.
my last name is soooo busted (although common in my hometown) & usually gets mistaken for BULIMIA, so yeah, i will be changing mine when the time comes. even if i'm 60 when it happens.
my last name is soooo busted (although common in my hometown) & usually gets mistaken for BULIMIA, so yeah, i will be changing mine when the time comes. even if i'm 60 when it happens.
I struggled with the decision, but ultimately tradition won out. It would have been a real blow to my parents if I hadn't changed. Luckily, my husband's last name starts with the same letter as my maiden name and has the same number of syllables and vowel placement. Even though I changed it, some people at work swear I never did. In fact, it's so similar, I didn't even have to change my signature.
I struggled with the decision, but ultimately tradition won out. It would have been a real blow to my parents if I hadn't changed. Luckily, my husband's last name starts with the same letter as my maiden name and has the same number of syllables and vowel placement. Even though I changed it, some people at work swear I never did. In fact, it's so similar, I didn't even have to change my signature.
We were the first ones in our group to get married. I adamantly did not change my name, and was shocked when many people around me started to do so. Even more shocked when those who initially had kept their name subsequently changed it, usually after having children.
My husband usually tells people that I didn't change it for professional reasons, but that's not it at all. I don't think I should change my name any more than he should change his. Getting married did not change me as a person more than it changed him, which a name change would seem to suggest.
I do know one couple who both changed their names to a new name, which caused a major shitstorm for the guy.
Another couple friend of mine got married recently. The wife is keeping her name for professional reasons, but the husband really wants her to change it and keeps bothering her. When they sent out the thank you notes for their wedding gifts, the name on the note said, "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" — which I can't stand even more. I asked him, "Did you get the thank you notes printed when you were single and then just wait for a wife to come along?"
I know lots of people who have changed their name, and lots who have not. It is no coincidence that on the whole, I like the individuals who have kept their name much more — the name is not a reason why I like them, but rather an indicator of independence and progressiveness which I value.
We were the first ones in our group to get married. I adamantly did not change my name, and was shocked when many people around me started to do so. Even more shocked when those who initially had kept their name subsequently changed it, usually after having children.
My husband usually tells people that I didn't change it for professional reasons, but that's not it at all. I don't think I should change my name any more than he should change his. Getting married did not change me as a person more than it changed him, which a name change would seem to suggest.
I do know one couple who both changed their names to a new name, which caused a major shitstorm for the guy.
Another couple friend of mine got married recently. The wife is keeping her name for professional reasons, but the husband really wants her to change it and keeps bothering her. When they sent out the thank you notes for their wedding gifts, the name on the note said, "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" — which I can't stand even more. I asked him, "Did you get the thank you notes printed when you were single and then just wait for a wife to come along?"
I know lots of people who have changed their name, and lots who have not. It is no coincidence that on the whole, I like the individuals who have kept their name much more — the name is not a reason why I like them, but rather an indicator of independence and progressiveness which I value.
Delightful article. I changed my last name, and I'm 99% glad I did. I like my new name. At the same time, I DO miss my 'real' name, and I do admire (envy?) women who just keep their names. It's so stable, continuous. My one regret is that I didn't officially take my birth name as my middle name (so I'd at least still 'own' it!). I think sometimes of officially changing to that, but 1) I don't really want to part with the money to make that so, and 2) I'm kind of a slackass….
Delightful article. I changed my last name, and I'm 99% glad I did. I like my new name. At the same time, I DO miss my 'real' name, and I do admire (envy?) women who just keep their names. It's so stable, continuous. My one regret is that I didn't officially take my birth name as my middle name (so I'd at least still 'own' it!). I think sometimes of officially changing to that, but 1) I don't really want to part with the money to make that so, and 2) I'm kind of a slackass….
I changed my last name to Nickel and we aren't even married yet…a good last name will do that to a girl
I changed my last name to Nickel and we aren't even married yet…a good last name will do that to a girl