Philosophical Monday: The Imperfect Family
Greetings from St. Louis! I’ve been here for three days, and I must say that being with family now that I have a daughter of my own has been an interesting experience.
First of all, there is something about a baby that turns your family into a font of unsolicted advice. There was the 30 minute Sock Debate, which ended with me wearily putting a pair of socks on Betty’s feet even though she was in a perfectly warm house and did not need socks. But I was broken down after every relative over 50 (of which I have many) asked me why she wasn’t wearing socks and then proceeded to tell me why she should be wearing socks, seemingly unable to hear my practical counter argument of “it’s not cold.”
I was also told by another aunt that Betty was “spoiled already,” because I had to hold her and rock her when she got upset. And I won’t even go into how many family members have chided me for being overweight (apparently baby weight was lost a lot faster back in the day) and having a “fat” baby. “You can’t even see her eyes!” one of my aunts proclaimed. When I tried to explain that the baby MO was to grow out then up, an older cousin said, “Not anymore. There’s an epidemic on you know. These kids just stay fat these days.” It’s like they have just enough knowledge about current childcare trends to make them ridiculously hard to argue with.
I’ve also received several compliments on my hair and my new boots. And everyone has congratulated me on my book.
It’s basically like having an affectionate visit with both the super-positive and specifically negative voices in my head. And heading into a week of feminist topics, I do wonder about the culture of slamming and complimenting that defines my family. Since Betty won’t be spending the majority of her time with them, I wonder if she’ll have a difficult time adjusting when she comes out here for visits. California is very lovey-dovey, and it’s a little hard to go from that to people telling you point blank that you’re not getting enough exercise (and conversely that you’re not eating enough if you’re skinny).
It always takes me a few days to adjust to it when I get home. My self-esteem takes a plummet, but then it always seems to come back stronger than ever. I credit my family for making me sensitive enough to be an artist, but thick-skinned enough to keep at it. I also credit them with making me a little meaner than I want to be at times and always being able to find something to laugh about even at the worst of times. I’m still a little surprised that they had and have as much influence over me as they do, despite the fact that I’ve now spent almost half my life living far away from them. They’ve always forced me to either cave or decide to do things my own way and I’ll always be grateful for that.
But this all makes me wonder what Betty will credit her family with when she gets to be my age. And I also want to know how your family has influenced your life and personality? Let us know in the comments.
And come back tomorrow for our Feminist series, starting with Ain’t I a Feminist? on Tuesday, The Beautiful Feminist on Wednesday and My Feminist Top Three Things To Do Tomorrow on Thursday.
Okay, a couple of reminders from your BFF:
(1) It is not just your family, 18 months later and I continue to be annoyed with how mamy people feel the need to give me unsolicited advice on how to raise Sekou. Often I smile and nod as if I am paying close attention but really I am screaming mind your own damn business silently in my head.
(2) You are not fat!!! You look fabulous. It has been 18 months and I am still not the same weight, shape or size I was before Sekou. Whatever!
(3) And Betty is not fat! My doctor told me the up and otu theory and that is exactly what happened with Sekou. It is like when my mother swore down that Sekou should have rice cereal at three weeks old. Most of the time, family is just wrong! Listen to your doctor. Betty is fine!
I know you love your family and value all the critique (good and bad) but you (and Betty) are wonderful just the way you are!!
Oh and to answer your question, I find that my mother is the constant little voice in my head but entirely encouraging! For me, my family has always been extremely positive in terms of how they pushed me, but they did not always make the right choices in their own lives. This is particularly true of my father. I think what is really funny is although my mother has walys been there for me and has always been my guiding force, my personality w as equally if not more shaped by my father's absence and neglect.
Yes, my mother, too, seemed to make a conscious effort to be really encouraging, partly out of natural instinct and partly to make up for her family. Technically, I am fat, and as I've discussed before on this blog, I've decided to stop thinking of that word in a pejorative way. The big problem comes when others think of it in a pejorative way and then use it to slam you. Frustrating and a serious obstacle to higher ideals.
Okay, a couple of reminders from your BFF:
(1) It is not just your family, 18 months later and I continue to be annoyed with how mamy people feel the need to give me unsolicited advice on how to raise Sekou. Often I smile and nod as if I am paying close attention but really I am screaming mind your own damn business silently in my head.
(2) You are not fat!!! You look fabulous. It has been 18 months and I am still not the same weight, shape or size I was before Sekou. Whatever!
(3) And Betty is not fat! My doctor told me the up and otu theory and that is exactly what happened with Sekou. It is like when my mother swore down that Sekou should have rice cereal at three weeks old. Most of the time, family is just wrong! Listen to your doctor. Betty is fine!
I know you love your family and value all the critique (good and bad) but you (and Betty) are wonderful just the way you are!!
Oh and to answer your question, I find that my mother is the constant little voice in my head but entirely encouraging! For me, my family has always been extremely positive in terms of how they pushed me, but they did not always make the right choices in their own lives. This is particularly true of my father. I think what is really funny is although my mother has walys been there for me and has always been my guiding force, my personality w as equally if not more shaped by my father's absence and neglect.
Yes, my mother, too, seemed to make a conscious effort to be really encouraging, partly out of natural instinct and partly to make up for her family. Technically, I am fat, and as I've discussed before on this blog, I've decided to stop thinking of that word in a pejorative way. The big problem comes when others think of it in a pejorative way and then use it to slam you. Frustrating and a serious obstacle to higher ideals.
California babies don't need socks! Get some flip-flops on her! Stat!
Kidding aside, my niece was a thin baby, so you can imagine the things the family was saying about that! Betty is hardly fat! And neither are you, dear!
See my comment to MMKV about the fat comment. And I'm thinking of breaking out some flip flops on the last day of the visit, but am afraid I would feel guilty if anyone had a heart attack.
California babies don't need socks! Get some flip-flops on her! Stat!
Kidding aside, my niece was a thin baby, so you can imagine the things the family was saying about that! Betty is hardly fat! And neither are you, dear!
See my comment to MMKV about the fat comment. And I'm thinking of breaking out some flip flops on the last day of the visit, but am afraid I would feel guilty if anyone had a heart attack.
I'm actually going to harken bck to your last week's philosophical monday ( ithink that's what it was) about how Betty will identify race wise, and that whole article on how children perceive race though their parents etc.
At first I was thinking, I don't really tend to see "race" when I'm with friends or a familiar place, and I think part of the problem is that we put too much emphasis on race and that if we just stop classifying people by race, maybe there won't be such a problem…then I read the article about how children (whose parents who don't identify race) end up making bad racial classifications, and that just blew my theory out of the water.
the more I thought about biracial children over the week I thought closely about all the ones that I know. Most of them are from a b/w background, and the don't necessarily identify themselves as biracial, most identify themselves as African American. Additionally other biracial people I know do not identify themselves as biracial, but tend to identify themselves with whichever side of their family they are closer to, specifically a biracial young woman I know is half pakistani, half jamaican..and while to look at her, you would never guess she was even slightly pakistani, she was brought up by that side of her family, and that is how she identifies herself. 'm not really making any kind of a point here, just more of an observation that I've found interesting.
Yes, it's interesting, b/c though I will be in the background of Betty's journey on this matter, at the end of the day, it is one she must take alone. From what I can see it's a highly personal decision. Her father would probably not be hurt if she chose to identify as black, but I would be if she chose to identify as white. Ideally, I hope she chooses both and advocates for more people to accept her as biracial. There are many arguments along the lines of "Yeah, but the world sees you as black," and my answer to that is that the world will want to see you as a ton of things. It's up to all of us to define ourselves as opposed to letting someone else do it for us.
I'm actually going to harken bck to your last week's philosophical monday ( ithink that's what it was) about how Betty will identify race wise, and that whole article on how children perceive race though their parents etc.
At first I was thinking, I don't really tend to see "race" when I'm with friends or a familiar place, and I think part of the problem is that we put too much emphasis on race and that if we just stop classifying people by race, maybe there won't be such a problem…then I read the article about how children (whose parents who don't identify race) end up making bad racial classifications, and that just blew my theory out of the water.
the more I thought about biracial children over the week I thought closely about all the ones that I know. Most of them are from a b/w background, and the don't necessarily identify themselves as biracial, most identify themselves as African American. Additionally other biracial people I know do not identify themselves as biracial, but tend to identify themselves with whichever side of their family they are closer to, specifically a biracial young woman I know is half pakistani, half jamaican..and while to look at her, you would never guess she was even slightly pakistani, she was brought up by that side of her family, and that is how she identifies herself. 'm not really making any kind of a point here, just more of an observation that I've found interesting.
Yes, it's interesting, b/c though I will be in the background of Betty's journey on this matter, at the end of the day, it is one she must take alone. From what I can see it's a highly personal decision. Her father would probably not be hurt if she chose to identify as black, but I would be if she chose to identify as white. Ideally, I hope she chooses both and advocates for more people to accept her as biracial. There are many arguments along the lines of "Yeah, but the world sees you as black," and my answer to that is that the world will want to see you as a ton of things. It's up to all of us to define ourselves as opposed to letting someone else do it for us.
I agree that neither you nor Betty are anywhere near fat.
I would also like to commend your family for telling you what they actually think right to your face,whether you like it or not. My extended family tends to prefer the passive aggressive remarks or the ever effective complaining about you behind your back until it ultimately gets to your mother, who of course tells you.
See my comment to MMKV on the fat thing. And Debra, that is so strange that you should say that, b/c that has been one of the things I've always valued about them. Unlike at school or IRL, no nasty surprises, when you find that people have been talking about you behind your back. But on the other hand, I do prefer to live in a situation where people talk behind my back as opposed to telling me negative things to my face. I guess at the end of the day, I'd rather not know. :)
I agree that neither you nor Betty are anywhere near fat.
I would also like to commend your family for telling you what they actually think right to your face,whether you like it or not. My extended family tends to prefer the passive aggressive remarks or the ever effective complaining about you behind your back until it ultimately gets to your mother, who of course tells you.
See my comment to MMKV on the fat thing. And Debra, that is so strange that you should say that, b/c that has been one of the things I've always valued about them. Unlike at school or IRL, no nasty surprises, when you find that people have been talking about you behind your back. But on the other hand, I do prefer to live in a situation where people talk behind my back as opposed to telling me negative things to my face. I guess at the end of the day, I'd rather not know. :)