Philosophical Monday: Is It Time to Join a Mommy Group?

Nov 16, 2009 20 Comments by

As a nerd, I thought I was over caring whether I fit in, but lately I’ve been grappling with a diminished social life. At a party yesterday, Betty pretty much came in fussing having just woke up. Then I hastily explained that Betty’s cough was from an excess of drool — she wasn’t sick. Another teething symptom, she was especially anti-being held by anyone other than me, which of course invited the usual, “Oh she doesn’t like me” comments.

I felt bad and assured my friends that it wasn’t a lack of liking on Betty’s part, just a preference to be with mom when she wasn’t feeling at her best.

And then when Betty started fussing and letting out little “I’m not happy” screams, instead of trying to calm her down with a small crowd of child-free party guests looking on, I decided to just leave after saying goodbye to the host. A mistake, as it turned out, b/c Betty went into nuclear meltdown before I reached the door and was full on screaming in a Child-service inducing way when I went to put her in the stroller for the walk back to the car.

I beat as hasty an exit as possible and have been racked with guilt ever since that I put a damper on an otherwise lovely afternoon party by thrusting Betty on it.

Everyone was perfectly nice, but I felt so out of place and like I didn’t belong. I also felt cheated out of adult company by our early exit.

I think it might be time to join a Mommy Group. However, I’ve been dragging my feet on this notion, b/c I’m not a huge fan of meeting new people. Also I’m socially awkward outside of the arts scene. Also, I can only engage in mommy talk for so long before I really need to talk about something else. So meeting new people on the sole platform of motherhood? Hmm, I don’t know about that…

But I no longer can go to plays or readings or even hang out with the old social scenes that I’m used to. And it’s been gently brought to my attention that I need to seek more adult company. But again the awkwardness. I don’t know…

Advice totally welcome.

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About the author

In addition to running Fierce and Nerdy, Ernessa T. Carter is the author of 32 CANDLES, a romantic comedy that is totally worth buying.
  • http://intensedebate.com/people/JaniceZ JaniceZ

    you can come hang out with me! Liam is getting to the age where I am not terrified to take him out. I keep meaning to go to the mommy and me movie at the Americana (if they ever play anything I like).
    I thought about joining a mommy group, but I am afraid of other mothers, so the thought of paying a fee just for them to sit around and judge my parenting skills irks me. Maybe we can start one with all the new mommies we know.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/ernessa ernessa

      I'm not afraid of other mothers judging my parenting skills, just of them judging me or thinking I'm odd. It's nice having mostly artist friends, b/c everybody's a bit odd. You get used to that.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/JaniceZ JaniceZ

    you can come hang out with me! Liam is getting to the age where I am not terrified to take him out. I keep meaning to go to the mommy and me movie at the Americana (if they ever play anything I like).
    I thought about joining a mommy group, but I am afraid of other mothers, so the thought of paying a fee just for them to sit around and judge my parenting skills irks me. Maybe we can start one with all the new mommies we know.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/ernessa ernessa

      I'm not afraid of other mothers judging my parenting skills, just of them judging me or thinking I'm odd. It's nice having mostly artist friends, b/c everybody's a bit odd. You get used to that.

  • AmyQotwf

    I'm not a mommy, but I just wanted to tell you that you have always seemed more than socially awesome. I am never at ease meeting new folks, but you always seem so comfortable and easy to talk to and you seem to know, like, everything (well, everything that's interesting and not in a know-it-all way.)

    I know whatever you decide to do as a Mommy that you will be a smashing success.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/ernessa ernessa

      Thanks, Amy, but you might be a little biased, b/c I actually know and like you, so it's a lot easier for me to talk to you. Again, it's nice to have art in common w/ the people you're socializing with. :)

  • AmyQotwf

    I'm not a mommy, but I just wanted to tell you that you have always seemed more than socially awesome. I am never at ease meeting new folks, but you always seem so comfortable and easy to talk to and you seem to know, like, everything (well, everything that's interesting and not in a know-it-all way.)

    I know whatever you decide to do as a Mommy that you will be a smashing success.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/ernessa ernessa

      Thanks, Amy, but you might be a little biased, b/c I actually know and like you, so it's a lot easier for me to talk to you. Again, it's nice to have art in common w/ the people you're socializing with. :)

  • Kate

    I think they can be a little weird because all the moms (not just you) are worried that all the other moms are sitting around judging them… that said, my best friend found a couple of wonderful friends through Moms Club. The groups can be a structured way to find those other few awesome moms you want to pursue deeper friendships with. It's easier (and less intimidating) than just chatting people up on the street.

    Also: I'm sure you didn't ruin anybody's party.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/ernessa ernessa

      Thanks, Kate. As I told Janice, I'm not worried about the other moms judging me. I honestly believe that we're all doing the best we can and that moms only judge other moms to make themselves feel better and more secure, which is understandable. It's more the fear of new social encounters. I wonder what I'd have to talk about with people who weren't either writers or old schoolmates or working with me in some capacity. It's kind of like agreeing to go to a work function with your husband where you won't really know anyone. However, I did meet my husband at a party, b/c I didn't have anyone else to talk to there, so mayhap I should give mommy groups a chance.

  • Kate

    I think they can be a little weird because all the moms (not just you) are worried that all the other moms are sitting around judging them… that said, my best friend found a couple of wonderful friends through Moms Club. The groups can be a structured way to find those other few awesome moms you want to pursue deeper friendships with. It's easier (and less intimidating) than just chatting people up on the street.

    Also: I'm sure you didn't ruin anybody's party.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/ernessa ernessa

      Thanks, Kate. As I told Janice, I'm not worried about the other moms judging me. I honestly believe that we're all doing the best we can and that moms only judge other moms to make themselves feel better and more secure, which is understandable. It's more the fear of new social encounters. I wonder what I'd have to talk about with people who weren't either writers or old schoolmates or working with me in some capacity. It's kind of like agreeing to go to a work function with your husband where you won't really know anyone. However, I did meet my husband at a party, b/c I didn't have anyone else to talk to there, so mayhap I should give mommy groups a chance.

  • Nicole B

    Oh Ernessa, I feel the same way! I recently joined a mommy group through MeetUp.com, SP & I have our first play group tomorrow :) Not only do I need to find more mommy friends and introduce SP to some more friends but it needs to be LOCAL…I know lots of peeps w/kids but only a couple near us – you know how hard it is to get together with L.A. friends as it is so that's why I sought out a mommy group.

    Let me know if you want to details of the one I joined, it would be fun if you were a member too!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/ernessa ernessa

      Yes, I definitely want the details. Will email you offline.

  • Nicole B

    Oh Ernessa, I feel the same way! I recently joined a mommy group through MeetUp.com, SP & I have our first play group tomorrow :) Not only do I need to find more mommy friends and introduce SP to some more friends but it needs to be LOCAL…I know lots of peeps w/kids but only a couple near us – you know how hard it is to get together with L.A. friends as it is so that's why I sought out a mommy group.

    Let me know if you want to details of the one I joined, it would be fun if you were a member too!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/ernessa ernessa

      Yes, I definitely want the details. Will email you offline.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/BabySmiling BabySmiling

    I would much rather get a babysitter and go to the regular gatherings than find a new crowd — at least right now, when my babies (a) don't care about making friends and (b) aren't supposed to be around other kids anyway because of preemie immune system issues.

    Babysitter.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/ernessa ernessa

      Oh BabySmiling, a sitter isn't always an option. My MIL lives with us, so she's here for when I need to work and every other Sunday for date night, which was the same Sunday as this party. Also, Betty isn't a fan of new people coming in and taking care of her, and she often doesn't want to go down for other people, which is frustrating, b/c it's hard to go anywhere before her 8:30-9:00 bedtime. So basically if you have a sitter that your kid likes 5 days a week. Getting one to go to a gathering for only two hours isn't practical. Usually sitters are reserved for big events like dates, weddings, doctor's appointments, classes, etc.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/BabySmiling BabySmiling

    I would much rather get a babysitter and go to the regular gatherings than find a new crowd — at least right now, when my babies (a) don't care about making friends and (b) aren't supposed to be around other kids anyway because of preemie immune system issues.

    Babysitter.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/ernessa ernessa

      Oh BabySmiling, a sitter isn't always an option. My MIL lives with us, so she's here for when I need to work and every other Sunday for date night, which was the same Sunday as this party. Also, Betty isn't a fan of new people coming in and taking care of her, and she often doesn't want to go down for other people, which is frustrating, b/c it's hard to go anywhere before her 8:30-9:00 bedtime. So basically if you have a sitter that your kid likes 5 days a week. Getting one to go to a gathering for only two hours isn't practical. Usually sitters are reserved for big events like dates, weddings, doctor's appointments, classes, etc.

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