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Philosophical Monday: Me, You, and In Vitro We Know
So I’ve been going back and forth with myself about whether to talk about the fact that I went through the first part of in vitro this weekend.That is, I had my eggs extracted. CH gave the doctor his jimmies in a nice sterile cup, and now we have 9 fertilized eggs, doing whatever they do, before they get put back into my body on either Tuesday or Thursday.
On one hand, in vitro doesn’t exactly fall under the theme of “fierce and nerdy.”
On the other hand, there are so few blogs about it, that I wonder if by not talking about it, I’m helping to advance the taboo nature of needing help to conceive.
So I weighed the pros and cons of it, and came up with, “Well, I’m a fierce nerd, and it’s happening to me, so yes, I can and should get away with talking about going through in vitro on this blog.”
Also, it’s something that I’m afraid to talk about in a public arena. And since I recently made the decision to make “fear” by “true north”* — that is, I’ve decided that if I think about doing something, and then I think, “No, that’s too scary.” Then I should just go ahead and do it anyway. “Courage is only fear that’s taken a deep breath” and all of that.
But then decision made, and big breath taken — it occurred to me that I really don’t have much to say about in vitro at this point, except these 7 things after the jump:
1. It’s REALLY expensive, and it’s not covered by most insurance plans. But Viagra is and so is about every other surgery designed specifically for men, including vasectomies. This of course makes me very angry.
2. It’s super-inconvenient. Once you commit to in vitro, you pretty much have to arrange your life around it. Starting from when your cycle begins, you have appointments every other day. Then if you’re like me, your egg extraction has to happen on the day when you were supposed to be at a writer’s conference for scheduled meetings with agents and editors, who you then have to reschedule.
3. Fertility drugs are interesting, they make you feel more of a woman, carrying around more eggs than you know what to do with. But they also make you feel like a big bloated mess. Plus, you have to stick yourself with needles in order to inject them, so fun times.
4. I don’t know why people keep on doing this, but a few times when I’ve told someone that I’m going through in vitro, they’ll tell me a story about their friend or relative who was having trouble conceiving, gave up, decided to adopt and then got pregnant naturally. So you see the point is that if you just stop thinking and stressing about it, everything works itself out. Though these are very heartwarming stories, the fact is that couples who choose to undergo in vitro, usually do so because of medical reasons or because it is their last option. So insinuating that simply “not stressing about it” will produce the results we want not only drives us crazy, but it also makes us sort of want to punch you. In fact, even if the person you are talking to hasn’t made it to the in vitro point yet, and you suspect that she isn’t getting pregnant because she’s too stressed out, don’t tell the “my friend/relative conception by-not-being-stressed-out” story. I know you think it helps, but it doesn’t. Like at all.
5. That all complained, I’m sure the results will be worth it.
6. I really, really hope it works. I mean I really hope it works. I’m full of hope right now. And all my dependable cynicism seems to have abandoned me for the moment. We’ll see how I am tomorrow.
7. I suspect that this blog just helped me way more than it illuminated in vitro for you. So thanks for reading.
I’ll keep you posted. :)
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Thanks for being vulnerable enough to share this. Looking forward to more!
Thanks for being vulnerable enough to share this. Looking forward to more!
Oh man, I really, really, really relate to No. 4. My husband and I are nearing the end zone (hooray!!!) of the adoption process and still well-meaning friends insist on hoping and wishing that right after we bring home baby I’ll get knocked up. (Not going to happen, and, duh, no longer the dream goal. We’d rather wishes of a healthy baby girl who knows from the minute we hold her that she is safe, stable, and adored.)
It’s so easy and natural for people to be careless when they know not of what they speak. That’s why it’s such a good and right thing for a fierce nerd like yourself to share some of your experience. It helps keep your readers from being THAT person who says THAT dopey thing. In the meantime, bravo to you and your husband for enduring the needles and appointments and hormones. Whatever your route to parenthood, you both will get there!
Oh man, I really, really, really relate to No. 4. My husband and I are nearing the end zone (hooray!!!) of the adoption process and still well-meaning friends insist on hoping and wishing that right after we bring home baby I’ll get knocked up. (Not going to happen, and, duh, no longer the dream goal. We’d rather wishes of a healthy baby girl who knows from the minute we hold her that she is safe, stable, and adored.)
It’s so easy and natural for people to be careless when they know not of what they speak. That’s why it’s such a good and right thing for a fierce nerd like yourself to share some of your experience. It helps keep your readers from being THAT person who says THAT dopey thing. In the meantime, bravo to you and your husband for enduring the needles and appointments and hormones. Whatever your route to parenthood, you both will get there!
wow it reminds me so much things…
The mom of my kids and i went through this 5 years ago. I don’t know what kind of in vitro you are doing, ours was an icsi (Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection, the one on your pic).
It was a very hard moment, mostly for their mom, but for me too. I am now the dad of 4 years old beautiful twins, and don’t regret anything.
Another taboo about fertility is “who has a problem”. That question was driving us crazy too. People usualy think the problem comes from girls. It’s wrong. In our case, we were both having problems, but mines were worst.
Who cares who has a problem? the result is the same!!! It is hard enough to go through that not to ear someone asking “and who has a problem?”, like they will judge you on your fertility…
Sorry, i just wanted to add that.
I wish you all the best!!! :)
wow it reminds me so much things…
The mom of my kids and i went through this 5 years ago. I don’t know what kind of in vitro you are doing, ours was an icsi (Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection, the one on your pic).
It was a very hard moment, mostly for their mom, but for me too. I am now the dad of 4 years old beautiful twins, and don’t regret anything.
Another taboo about fertility is “who has a problem”. That question was driving us crazy too. People usualy think the problem comes from girls. It’s wrong. In our case, we were both having problems, but mines were worst.
Who cares who has a problem? the result is the same!!! It is hard enough to go through that not to ear someone asking “and who has a problem?”, like they will judge you on your fertility…
Sorry, i just wanted to add that.
I wish you all the best!!! :)
Your bravery, honesty and rawness continues to amaze me…
Your bravery, honesty and rawness continues to amaze me…
Thank you for all of your kind words!
Karen, I’m so excited about your adoption. There are so many children in this world that need love, and I continue to believe that this is the upside of infertility. Please let me know when your little girl arrives.
Matt, I agree with you about the “blame” question, and moreover, I firmly believe that if you’re in a good, loving relationship that all problems become “our” problem, and that’s the end of it. IVF especially, as you probably know, is something that you have to deal with together, and I believe it has brought my husband and me even closer. Another upside of infertility. :)
thanks for sharing ernessa. my friend alex and i were talking about something along these lines the other day and there seems to be so much about our culture that validates only the typical paths to motherhood and not a lot of dialogue about anything else.
sending support your way!
thanks for sharing ernessa. my friend alex and i were talking about something along these lines the other day and there seems to be so much about our culture that validates only the typical paths to motherhood and not a lot of dialogue about anything else.
sending support your way!
Wow!
I wish you all the best, I’m sending you great vibes. I’m currently on stim day 6. You are in my thoughts, and thanks for sharing. It’s great to know that I’m not alone out here, all of my fertile friends have been telling me for years to relax. I know they all mean well, but I actually had one tell me she couldn’t wait to celebrate with us when it was “our turn”. Today is our 3rd wedding anniversary, too. I’m hoping for another addition to our family soon.
Wow!
I wish you all the best, I’m sending you great vibes. I’m currently on stim day 6. You are in my thoughts, and thanks for sharing. It’s great to know that I’m not alone out here, all of my fertile friends have been telling me for years to relax. I know they all mean well, but I actually had one tell me she couldn’t wait to celebrate with us when it was “our turn”. Today is our 3rd wedding anniversary, too. I’m hoping for another addition to our family soon.