Philosophical Monday: The Happy Feminist Mother
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to raise daughters with feminist ideals. There are so many examples of mothers who do big things in their careers only to have their daughters turn around and opt not to do the same.
Erica Kennedy, the writer of Feminista, actually wrote a great article on the subject from a single Careerist point of view, in which she talked about a certain Daily Mail feature:
The writer is a feminist who worked hard to carve out a career and she was aghast when she learned that her daughter, a recent Oxford grad, didn’t plan to follow in her footsteps.
Even before I clicked through and read the Daily Mail article in full, I could tell you two things about this writer: she was divorced and she wasn’t able to spend a ton of time with her children while carving out her career. Lo and behold, I was right.
I think what is not be being said about the modern day disconnect between 80s-era feminists and their daughters, is that the disagreement might be more personal than political. While many feminist mothers see themselves as blazing a path and setting an amazing example for their daughters (which they did), I think many daughters see them simply as “never home” and “unavailable” — which to a certain extent, they were. For an extreme example, see this article about the rift between Rebecca Walker and her mother, Alice Walker.
You know how A-List actors are always saying that their kids don’t give two s-words that they’re a big deal? I think the modern day feminist might be running into the same problem. Our kids won’t care if we do big things if it means that we neglect them in the process.
So I’m thinking that it all comes down to balance. If we want our daughters to follow in our footsteps, we’ve got to figure out how to work towards our career goals AND spend a ton of time with them.
While watching Baadassss!, in which Mario Van Peebles tells the tale of how his father, Melvin Van Peebles, wrote, directed, starred in, and produced the highly influential film, Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song, that would spark the black exploitation era, one thing that struck me was that Melvin seemed to take young Mario with him everywhere. Mario was on set, at financing meetings — all sorts of things. They certainly had their share of father-son issues, but I’m not surprised at all that Mario followed in Melvin’s filmmaking footsteps.
As I’ve stated before, I would really, really prefer it if Betty throws a complete black sheep (like her father and I did with our families_ and totally chooses a different career path outside of entertainment — in simpler terms: I want her to be an engineer or a scientist. But while brunching with my friend Kalimba on Saturday, I did admit to a back-up plan if Betty does decide that she wants to go down the ill-advised path of being a writer.
If Betty really, really wants to be an artist, I will teach her discipline by making her practice her art for at least twenty minutes every single day. I will teach her good money management skills — which in my opinion should be taught in all MFA programs, since we end up needing those skills way more than 9to5-ers. And I will start taking her with me to writing events, so that she can see that this entertainment isn’t as glamorous or “easy” as people are made to believe.
But then as I was telling Kalimba this, I began to wonder if I shouldn’t do the same thing, even if Betty goes with a practical career. If I’ve got to write, why not write with her, while she works on her own projects? If I’ve got to go to a meeting or an interview after she reaches a certain age, why not take her with me? Why not show as oppossed to tell her what being a happy feminist is all about?
In the long run, will a daughter appreciate your experience more if she has to sit around being bored with you while you work as opposed to sitting around being bored at home without you? In a strange way, I think the answer is yes.
Anyway, I’m still trying to figure it all out. But I’m determined to find that balance between career and home. I have a feeling that the future of feminism is highly dependent on what we as feminist mothers do today. But you know, no pressure.*’
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I'm following one of your thoughts through and trying to understand what you mean….so, to you, a daughter who chooses to be a stay at home mother is then not a feminist and therefore rejecting those ideals? If that is the idea, then I have a bone to pick.
As a current career woman, someone who sees herself as a strong, independent woman, but who desperately longs to be a stay at home mother, I have to disagree. I think the choice to be a stay at home mother is the pinnacle of feminism. The fact that women have that choice, that it's not forced upon them or expected of them, is the thing that, to me, is the greatest gift of the feminist movement. This idea that a woman can only be all she can be if she is some uber-successful career woman is the exact reason why I do not identify myself as a feminist. I know you say that you'll be happy if Betty chooses to just be a mom, but it's an afterthought. It's not what you really want for her.
I agree with the career/life balance problem and it's something that is weighing heavy on my mind these days and I agree with wanting to raise a daughter who is fearless in pursuing her own goals. But I have to disagree with this myth that choosing to make your family your career is somehow an affront to feminism.
PS: The Ellen pic is adorable!
Debra, totally not passing judgment on SAHMs. I'm actually saying the opposite, I think — that being a good feminist also means being a good mother (if you have children), and that you can't expect to pass on your feminist ideals if you don't nurture them yourself within your daughter. I'm also saying that for myself, I don't want career and motherhood to be a choice. I want to find a way to pursue my career goals AND be a good mother and I don't want to feel like I'm doing a poor job in either arena. Right now, I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at this. I write, I blog, I spend quality time with Betty — wash and repeat. But in the future I want to find ways to involve her even further in my career, so that she doesn't feel that career and family is something that has to be chosen between UNLESS she wants to be an SAHM. I'm fine with that, and I'm already excited about grandbabies that I can spoil and give back. After thinking through almost everything I do with Betty, I imagine it will be a nice change of pace!
I'm following one of your thoughts through and trying to understand what you mean….so, to you, a daughter who chooses to be a stay at home mother is then not a feminist and therefore rejecting those ideals? If that is the idea, then I have a bone to pick.
As a current career woman, someone who sees herself as a strong, independent woman, but who desperately longs to be a stay at home mother, I have to disagree. I think the choice to be a stay at home mother is the pinnacle of feminism. The fact that women have that choice, that it's not forced upon them or expected of them, is the thing that, to me, is the greatest gift of the feminist movement. This idea that a woman can only be all she can be if she is some uber-successful career woman is the exact reason why I do not identify myself as a feminist. I know you say that you'll be happy if Betty chooses to just be a mom, but it's an afterthought. It's not what you really want for her.
I agree with the career/life balance problem and it's something that is weighing heavy on my mind these days and I agree with wanting to raise a daughter who is fearless in pursuing her own goals. But I have to disagree with this myth that choosing to make your family your career is somehow an affront to feminism.
PS: The Ellen pic is adorable!
Debra, totally not passing judgment on SAHMs. I'm actually saying the opposite, I think — that being a good feminist also means being a good mother (if you have children), and that you can't expect to pass on your feminist ideals if you don't nurture them yourself within your daughter. I'm also saying that for myself, I don't want career and motherhood to be a choice. I want to find a way to pursue my career goals AND be a good mother and I don't want to feel like I'm doing a poor job in either arena. Right now, I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at this. I write, I blog, I spend quality time with Betty — wash and repeat. But in the future I want to find ways to involve her even further in my career, so that she doesn't feel that career and family is something that has to be chosen between UNLESS she wants to be an SAHM. I'm fine with that, and I'm already excited about grandbabies that I can spoil and give back. After thinking through almost everything I do with Betty, I imagine it will be a nice change of pace!
I was going to say that for me, the most important feminist ideal is that I can do what I want, not what someone else thinks is right for my gender or whatever. I get to choose whether I work or stay at home with my kids or if I do both and how I do what I choose to do. And I think it's a good idea to take her with you on your journey — way more important for her to see you working at what you love, especially when it's really hard, and loving what you do than telling her about it.
I love how thoughtful you are about parenting — and your life in general.
Thanks Di! That's totally what I want to do, and I must say that I never felt lucky to be a writer until I had kids. It's kind of the perfect career if you want to blend your home and work life as I hope to.
I was going to say that for me, the most important feminist ideal is that I can do what I want, not what someone else thinks is right for my gender or whatever. I get to choose whether I work or stay at home with my kids or if I do both and how I do what I choose to do. And I think it's a good idea to take her with you on your journey — way more important for her to see you working at what you love, especially when it's really hard, and loving what you do than telling her about it.
I love how thoughtful you are about parenting — and your life in general.
Thanks Di! That's totally what I want to do, and I must say that I never felt lucky to be a writer until I had kids. It's kind of the perfect career if you want to blend your home and work life as I hope to.
I can't even think that far in the future. Well, I can but maybe I don't want to. So many things are out of our hands. All I can do is provide the best model possible.
Honeysmoke, you raise such an interesting point, b/c lately, I've been trying to determine what's "out of my hands" and what I should really emphasize. For example, I think that other kids making fun of Betty b/c she is different is out of my hands, and to a certain extent, I wonder how much sway we hold over our children's political beliefs. But on the feminist front, I do want to at least try to show her a third way.
I can't even think that far in the future. Well, I can but maybe I don't want to. So many things are out of our hands. All I can do is provide the best model possible.
Honeysmoke, you raise such an interesting point, b/c lately, I've been trying to determine what's "out of my hands" and what I should really emphasize. For example, I think that other kids making fun of Betty b/c she is different is out of my hands, and to a certain extent, I wonder how much sway we hold over our children's political beliefs. But on the feminist front, I do want to at least try to show her a third way.
My mom is a lawyer and dragged me to her office… a lot, and to court. I never considered it spending time with her really… I did realize that law was BORING and wanted no part in it. It probably pushed me more to the idea of playing one on TV. She was gone all the time when I was a kid and feels guilty about it now. I never resented her for not being there though. I loved her just as much, because when I did see her we had fun and even when we didn’t I loved her because she was my mom! I pretty much was a happy kid and had fun no matter where I was. My sister however DID resent it a bit. I don’t know what exactly I am trying to say but it is something like this, your kids are going to be who they are no matter what. What we do influences them, sure, but the basic layout is in the DNA I think. Once you become a mom you can’t help but obsess over how your actions affect your children but sometimes we need to just give ourselves a break and realize that we are doing the best we can, right? I consider myself a bit of a feminist and that has nothing to do with what I do with my career but what I think I am CAPABLE of doing. That comes from seeing my mom do it probably. Her generation already went there so that we don’t have to though. Our children will probably just take it all for granted that they have those options, they will see women in powerful positions their whole lives. Gosh I ramble… sorry.
Take her to work with you and she will become an artist because art is cool and in her genes (as long a s you make money doing it). If you are broke and can’t afford to pay for her piano lessons she might rebel against her artistic nature and become a scientist.
Yes, I'm actually hoping Betty thinks writing is boring and decides to do something exciting like become an accountant. My mother was an accountant, and I thought that was boring. M/b she'll be like, "Art sucks!"
No, don't apologize. I love hearing about others' experiences w/ this topic. My mother actually got laid off the year before I went to college and I both resented and loved it. Resented it, b/c we were no longer in the same tax bracket. Loved it, b/c I got to spend more time with her, which became very important after she died unexpectedly.
I do give myself in most areas. But I feel this is one of the biggies. I want Betty to be a supporter of other women. But I also want her to take her rights for granted. I'm sure some feminists would grouse that the younger generation "shouldn't forget," but I think that's the beauty of a system that is working. I want Betty to think that it's silly that there used to be very few female scientists and doctors.
In the end, however, you are exactly right. Whatever she's going to be passionate about is already in her DNA. But I worry, b/c I know that my own mother influenced my decision to represent for feminism and I do want Betty to value women's rights and progress like I do.
One last thing: I have the same conflict about art vs. money and plan to blog on it someday. CH is a big "art for art's sake" kind of guy, whereas I feel it should be presented in "this is how you make money with your art" sort of way. But we'll see…
My mom is a lawyer and dragged me to her office… a lot, and to court. I never considered it spending time with her really… I did realize that law was BORING and wanted no part in it. It probably pushed me more to the idea of playing one on TV. She was gone all the time when I was a kid and feels guilty about it now. I never resented her for not being there though. I loved her just as much, because when I did see her we had fun and even when we didn’t I loved her because she was my mom! I pretty much was a happy kid and had fun no matter where I was. My sister however DID resent it a bit. I don’t know what exactly I am trying to say but it is something like this, your kids are going to be who they are no matter what. What we do influences them, sure, but the basic layout is in the DNA I think. Once you become a mom you can’t help but obsess over how your actions affect your children but sometimes we need to just give ourselves a break and realize that we are doing the best we can, right? I consider myself a bit of a feminist and that has nothing to do with what I do with my career but what I think I am CAPABLE of doing. That comes from seeing my mom do it probably. Her generation already went there so that we don’t have to though. Our children will probably just take it all for granted that they have those options, they will see women in powerful positions their whole lives. Gosh I ramble… sorry.
Take her to work with you and she will become an artist because art is cool and in her genes (as long a s you make money doing it). If you are broke and can’t afford to pay for her piano lessons she might rebel against her artistic nature and become a scientist.
Yes, I'm actually hoping Betty thinks writing is boring and decides to do something exciting like become an accountant. My mother was an accountant, and I thought that was boring. M/b she'll be like, "Art sucks!"
No, don't apologize. I love hearing about others' experiences w/ this topic. My mother actually got laid off the year before I went to college and I both resented and loved it. Resented it, b/c we were no longer in the same tax bracket. Loved it, b/c I got to spend more time with her, which became very important after she died unexpectedly.
I do give myself in most areas. But I feel this is one of the biggies. I want Betty to be a supporter of other women. But I also want her to take her rights for granted. I'm sure some feminists would grouse that the younger generation "shouldn't forget," but I think that's the beauty of a system that is working. I want Betty to think that it's silly that there used to be very few female scientists and doctors.
In the end, however, you are exactly right. Whatever she's going to be passionate about is already in her DNA. But I worry, b/c I know that my own mother influenced my decision to represent for feminism and I do want Betty to value women's rights and progress like I do.
One last thing: I have the same conflict about art vs. money and plan to blog on it someday. CH is a big "art for art's sake" kind of guy, whereas I feel it should be presented in "this is how you make money with your art" sort of way. But we'll see…