Project Runway Season 11: Episode 10 Avant Garddamn This Season Will Never End! [Runway Rundown]

*Picks the glass of wine up, takes a sip and sighs deeply* Is it over yet?! Did they just shoot them all and bury them somewhere by the airport hoping nobody has actually been watching? Please tell me this season is like a bad dream within a dream and I’ll wake soon to find that tonight is the first episode and all of this was just a strange creation of my overactive imagination. This can’t really be it can it? Is this the best they could find? *pops cyanide pills and writes suicide note blaming Season 11 of Project Runway and their ridiculous “Teams Edition” idea*

Why bother even warning you of the disclaimer that I will be writing spoilers ahead, it’s not like any of you are still watching! Hell, half of you are probably reading this because you gave up long ago and just want to read my bitchy recap without committing to the full hour of your life to it like I did. Either way, Good on you!

So where were we? Oh yes, last week Samantha skated off with her sad flouncy heart backed spandex nightmare. We’ll miss you girl, you were the only one with any sense of humor left. While the 6 sad faces that are left waited patiently for Heidi to emerge with the clue or instructions for their next challenge, I could tell these designers are tired and out of ideas. As the camera panned across their glazed over eyeballs I couldn’t help but just feel pity for them. “Here’s the gun Heidi, I think you know what must be done. Make it quick before anyone tunes in again.” Pet the bunny, George.

HeidiSmiling“Why is no one smiling?” Heidi asks in her shiny black mini dress. Why do you think Heidi?! It’s the same reason Tim has had a scowl for the last 8 episodes. The jig is up, everyone knows this season is beyond repair. You can almost see it in Tim’s eyes, it’s like he is just biding his time and can’t wait to get off this sinking ship. The only thing I see him try to do constructively is bail out these lost souls week after week, but even he is too smart not to see how useless it all is. I am waiting for him to ask Swatch the Dog at MOOD to join the show just to liven things up.

This week’s challenge took our designers to the Guggenheim where Tim informed them they would need to team up again and create one Avant Garde piece and one ready to wear look based on the wearable art creation. Their inspiration was to come from the 30 minutes they got to spend in the museum, and they would also be creating their own textile using the HP Suite and having it printed. After announcing the new pairings of Layana and Daniel, Michelle and Stanley, and Richard and Patricia, he showed them the new ridiculous HP Envy X2 laptop/ tablet. I have never seen Tim Gunn look more uncomfortable around an object in his life. He looked both afraid of breaking it and also unsure of what exactly it was. It’s not a basketball Tim. Don’t worry, nobody is going to make you play sports with it. Maybe he was about to have diarrhea and was sweating to hold it in? Either way he was shaking and sweaty and looked like he wanted to leave.

During their romp in the museum we got to see Daniel loving the sculpture with nubs on it. Let me guess Daniel, you’re going to make some hideous shoulder nightmare. Please at least try something new or at the VERY least modern if you have to make nother fucking jacket with shoulder pads! Patricia unsurprisingly liked the artwork that showed overlaying shapes, while Michelle was spouting something about swirling madness. At this point I realized that these looks would either be the most inspired so far this season or the ugliest yet and that says a lot!

While designing their textiles back at the shop, Michelle made an interesting print with yellows, greys and browns, no surprise there. You know there are other color pallets out there Michelle, right? Once Tim announced the winner of the challenge would get $10,000 and an HP Envy X2, Layana started meltdown after meltdown. She couldn’t seem to find her groove in the challenge but seemed fairly certain that somehow she was going to win. Delusional… Party of one!<

Richard couldn’t articulate anything about his design so he set out making a sparkly bracelet. Patricia tried as much as she could to clue him in and inspire him about the direction she was taking their team but you could tell he had given up. I am surprised, but I am finding myself more and more charmed by Patricia’s kookiness. I am starting to see more and more that she really is an intensely creative individual, but she needs to learn some editing techniques. My fingers were crossed that she didn’t get dragged down by mister frumpy pants this week, but seeing him pick his nails and stare at the ceiling I was beginning to see the inevitability of that.

TimVisit329Tim visited the workroom with his usual sweaty and stern face. He glowed over the work that Michelle and Stanley were doing, while he expressed his concerns for the other two teams. He picked up on an interesting dynamic that had started to emerge, mainly that Richard could possibly have a strategy to throw Patricia under the bus and say this was all her fault in the end. Patricia was pissed, and I think Tim was probably half right, there was just enough smirk in Richard’s response to tell me the bitch had thought that whole scenario already though. After Tim said that Layana’s design was at a 12 in a scale of 1 to 100, she lost it. More crying, more whining. Get a grip lady and keep sewing! Even if it’s ugly at least cover the bitch up before she gets pushed into the runway!

Back over at team Patrichard, Patricia let a great slip happen several times by calling Richard “Daniel.” I have to say, I have been guilty of it myself. I can’t help it. All eccentric gays look the same after a while. I love moments like this when you know the pressure is just pushing them all to the breaking point, and one little dig can be sharper than any sword. Don’t worry Daniel, I mean Richard… You’ll get over it.

Winner329On the Runway this week we had guest judges Rachel Roy sitting in for Zac Posen again this week (Can’t she just replace that guy already?) and Tracy Reese whoever the hell that is. In walked Heidi in her latest Hot Mama Bondage Surprise outfit and away we went! In the top this week was team Michelle and Stanley! Michelle’s print and color scheme ended up being a great addition to their dark, yet playful, take on madness and loss of control. Michelle’s Avant Garde look was a long full front gown of painted black bubble wrap with cap sleeves of their print, covered by a long army issue green waxed canvas coat with painted train. She had also created an interesting spiral head and neck fascinator that completed this post apocalyptic funhouse of a look. It was a tad messy but I really liked her look. Her print actually read much better than I ever imagined. She showed that she can not only have some fun trusting her instinct, but she started to show us that fire of someone wanting to win it all. Taking what I think was a nearly debatable win this week was Stanley with his black top and long full print baby doll dress. All I wrote after it turned the corner was the word “Flawless.” His garment was hands down the winner this week, but it was tough for me to hand it to him when in reality the print and inspiration etc. was so much Michelle’s doing. Regardless Stanley, Good job this week. I was impressed with the cut and the style, and look forward to seeing more from you, for once.

Middle329In the middle, solidly, was team Layaniel. Layana’s look was an ill conceived fishtail gown with spun black tule over it’s simplistic black, grey, and yellow geometric print. After so much bravado and so many tears the best you can come up with is that crow’s nest head piece and a swirl of tule? Girl, go home already. What happened to the Brazilian girl with a unique point of view you showed up as? All I see you do is bitch and whine each week. Next week, sew something amazing or go the fuck home. I have no more time for annoying children like you, as my patience wanes with every tick of the clock this season. On the other end of the spectrum however, was the surprise of the week with a gorgeous and sexy ensemble from Daniel. He made a gorgeous petal skirt with their geometric print over-layed with chiffon, and a structured black jacket with tailored shoulders and a black leather lapel. Bravo Daniel, you woke up and started making some sexy and fun clothes again, but you also made something more youthful than I have seen from you this entire season. Keep it up and I might just respect you enough again to not call you Richard. After their critique on the runway, Layana burst into tears backstage saying that when Daniel said his garment was better on the runway he had hurt her more than anyone ever before. She basically said that his garment was their team effort, and her garment was hers. She thought he should have spoken more about how she really led him and showed him what to do. Sorry girl, that’s not how it went down. She sure loves to deflect when she gets negative feedback now doesn’t she?! Regardless it doesn’t matter, you bitches were just safe anyhow, so step it up next week!

Loser329Our losing team this week comprised of Patricia and Daniel… I mean Richard. Boy you couldn’t see this coming could you? Patricia’s look was fun and strange, but somehow worked. She created what I can only describe as Harlequin Geisha Straight Jacket Bridal wear. I can see Bjork getting married or buried in this ensemble. She ended up safe with minimal negative critique. Auf’d this week was Daniel, I mean Richard… for his ugly 80′s white Chanel handbag diaper skirt and boring striped tank top. You gave up Richard, and they gave up on you. Now go take whatever pennies you made on this show and go buy those damn rhinestones you kept talking about wanting challenge after challenge! (PS: I’m just gonna hazard a guess and say that you won’t be missed around here.)

Next week! The final 5. We go back to not having team challenges, but it appears they will be assisted by former teammates and contestants in the creation of a celebrity red carpet look. Oh goody, what D-List celebrity are they gonna drag out now for this? I’ll be sure to have some razors nearby to cut myself during it just to make sure I can still feel. God this season is long.