Project Runway Season 11: Episode 5 Bruised Wookie Realness! [Runway Rundown]

Well readers, we are another week into our newest season of the Runway Rundown and I have to say, we are starting to see who has the talent and who has just been skirting (bad pun) by. I do feel however, no one this season has really stepped up yet and owned the competition showing total commitment and drive. I don’t see a single person in it to win it just yet. Will Michelle be the kiss of death again this week? Will Amanda murder all those bitches that threw her under the bus? Will we see Joe hiding in the corner so he can stay, disguised as a frumpy oversized sweater with cats printed on it? Read on and let’s see how the contestants fared on the runway this week!

As always, go watch the damn episode before you continue reading. No, seriously… I’m about to spoil the entire episode for you like all those bitches who got word of the Season 3 finale details on Downton Abbey and took to Facebook like an angry, weepy information army blowing the surprise for me. (Memo to Zack, don’t ever discuss the upcoming episodes of shows you love with people, and certainly don’t go on Facebook the same day.)

When we left last week, we were stuck in a cliffhanger, what business was Tim talking about that still had to be sorted back on the runway? Well it turned out to be a very blah twist… the button bag reared it’s ugly head once again and the designers were paired off in teams of two, their choices. (Sidenote: can we get a far more crazy looking button bag? If I have to see that stupid thing every other episode can’t we make it look like a hilarious glittery mess, aka: Nicki Minaj’s vagina?) The teams broke down as follows: Samantha and “Antler Boy” Daniel, Richard and Stanley, Patricia and Layana, Gay Monkey and Michelle, Kate and Tu, and Amanda and Albino Bellhop. Each team of two made their way to Johnny Utah’s country bar in NYC where they were informed they would each be designing a look for Country Superstar Miranda Lambert. Each team had to create a look for the red carpet, and one as a performance look with $400 as a budget. Tim stressed that she loves her curves, so don’t shy away from them.

They shopped, Amanda and Albino Bellhop were worried after realizing they had underspent by over $130, and they all hurried back to Parsons with their bags full of blue and black leather. Let’s take a second to talk about everyone’s selections at mood this week. Why is it that immediately upon discovering they are designing for a more realistic body type, i.e. curvy and voluptuous, all the designers rush over to the section of blues and blacks? I understand the slimming nature of darker colors, but when the real curves hit the runway it always looks like a collection of bruises going to a chiffon funeral. Where is the color? Us big girl size mediums deserve a pop of color every now and again too!

After some working and lots of sizing up of the competition, Tim arrived to burst a few bubbles. Tu worried Tim the most with his idea to “GaGa-fy” Miranda by overemphasizing her hips and bust. He took his glasses off and winced which basically means pull back now or you are fucked. Kate appeared to be making an ugly 80′s red leather dress that even Kelly LeBrock would shy away from, but Tim sort of glanced over it and moved on. The other blight in the room belonged to Patricia who decided to create a dress of an ugly brown brocade and make some gold leather straps that emulate bullet holsters. Tim was afraid at first but he ended it by saying it was not boring… good luck. Richard was working on a wookie-esque look, with strips of leather hanging from an unlined net dress. Tim and everyone agreed he better line that damn thing or it will end up in the land of vulgar. Matthew (Gay Monkey) was not trusting himself, per usual, but there isn’t much more to say then keep working.

Michelle surprised everyone this week with her nearly spot on impersonation of Nina Garcia. I’d love to see her and Santino do a little voiceover duet impersonation of Tim and Nina, with a Dyson Vacuum to stand in for Zac Posen. I’ll stand in the corner and shake a cut off mop to be Heidi and some random nonsensical guest judge can show up and tell us their useless opinion on the week’s challenge. Voila! You have Season 11!

Before the runway hit this week, Richard luckily found  way to make a lining for his dress out of a MOOD t-shirt he had purchased, Daniel bragged endlessly about his ridiculous metallic leather bustier, and Kate surprised me with a beautiful fleeting glance of her finished red leather and chiffon dress. This week’s guest judge was the first that actually made sense: Miranda Lambert. (Sorry about calling you Amanda last week girl, I was half asleep while typing.) The designers huddled in for the show and away we went!

First this week let’s discuss the “safe designers” since one of the best looks and the hands down ugliest pieces of trash this week, came from their work. Kate’s Red leather and chiffon dress made me eat my earlier words and impression. It looked feminine yet super edgy and on the red carpet could have easily been a showstopper. On the other end of the spectrum, that ugly couch of a dress with white leather macrame strip fringe covering it should have been zeroed out as the look to go home this week! Patricia, shame on you for wanting Miranda Lambert to go on stage looking like Jenna Maroney in the Janis Joplin inspired biopic “Jackie Jormp-Jomp.” If I was Nina I would have stood up, crawled over that runway, slapped you, and asked you to leave. You are lucky Layana’s look was strong enough to keep you in the safe zone, but it is only a matter of time. Enough with your ugly leather modification witch, you have no powers here. Be gone before somebody drops a bolt of fabric on you.

The top tier teams this week were the likes of Richard and Stanley, and Amanda and Albino Bellhop. Albino made a very beautiful red carpet look, creating a floor length navy blue gown. He had me up until I saw the ugly black shiny beaded wad on her right tit, but over-all a marked improvement over what we’ve seen thus far. Amanda created a flirty and sexy, navy jersey hand-cut fringe dress, that was perfect for Miranda’s silhouette. My only complaint, it was a tad over-accessorized. Good job Amanda, I think you have shown this season that you are truly the best collaborator in the bunch! Your work with the Albino Bellhop showed how you can work with just about anyone and manage to raise their game. I’m keeping you on my watch list.

Stanley made a black red carpet look, giving us a very deep v-neck gown with a mini corsetry detail in a black metallic knit. His look was almost there, but still looked a little ill fitting in execution. Our winner this week was Richard with his knit mesh dress, over a black jersey mini dress and a front covered with attached leather strips. It was a fun look and definitely surprising after seeing it in the workroom and thinking he was doomed. His fun look will be hitting a Miranda show soon near you.

In the bottom this week: Samantha (who had immunity) and Daniel, and Matthew and Michelle. Samantha brought her D game by creating a forgettable and boring look with a black motorcycle top and frumpy black jersey loop fringe skirt. You’re safe so I won’t even get into it. Daniel was riding high on his previous wins and must have been huffing those fumes, because his outfit this week turned the corner and looked almost elegant for a split second, until it then turned really cheap and really ugly looking almost immediately. His blue fishtail gown with a tear fringe hem, and a bustier of metallic blue leather that resembled tin foil, just ended up looking like some hideous dress an alcoholic mother of the bride would choose. Girl you are lucky they didn’t send you home for that center slit alone.

Michelle sent out a waaaaay too tight fishtail skirt out of some frumpy dollar store fabric, and a deep open necked leather vest top all with a hideous white leather strip neck piece. I liked you Michelle, what the hell were you thinking this week? She defended her look to death as a nod to 80′s hair metal… um, what? Sorry girl I didn’t get this from any angle, just burn it and we will all pretend it never happened. I still can’t believe that you tried to use AC/DC to sell it. “Yeah man, I know you think this 70′s look is awful, but for me I think I rocked it Kenny Loggins style!” Good luck with your backup excuses girl. Michelle continued her reign of terror this week as the show’s serial killer when her teammate the Gay Monkey was sent packing. Matthew has struggled in every challenge so far to put out something that he creatively can get behind and in this show you step it up or you go home. I won’t even bother discussing his boring black dress, we’ll just send him on his way knowing he could have done more and leave it at that. Let this be a lesson designers, don’t hold back. Let your talent show and learn to work fast. Don’t edit yourself into a sad mess of black dresses.

Tune in next week where we will be discussing the Granny Challenge! Not only do the designers have to create looks for a bunch of grandmas, they have a skeleton come in and yell at them by the name of Joan Rivers! See you next week!

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