Project Runway: Season 9 – Episode 8 “Boobies, Boobies, Boobies. Nothing but Boobies!” [Runway Rundown]

“American men, as a group, seem to be interested in only two things, money and breasts. It seems a very narrow outlook.” – Hedy Lamarr

Let me begin this week by stating a fact: real women have curves! Let me state another fact: Designers on Project Runway are terrified of those curves! Every year we get a challenge that comes along and makes the designers get out those measuring tapes and do a little extra math because this week they are not working with models. *Insert huge gay panic and scream here!

As the episode opened we got the fake out that this might be the dreaded menswear challenge, but luckily for our designers they only have to make a garment for these guys’ wives and girlfriends. The challenge is to use the husbands and boyfriends as a source of knowledge about their real clients and make a garment for the women in 2 days. The real ladies will walk down the runway, not the designers’ models. All sizes and measurements have been taken beforehand so the designer will not be shooting in the dark. By the way, from this point forward kids there is no immunity. Make it work!

If you haven’t watched the episode, stop here. If you have watched or just use the Runway Rundown as a substitute for watching Project Runway, keep going.

While breathing a sigh of relief the designers immediately shift into bitching about curves, boobs, and extra fabric. Come on kids suck it up, get an extra yard of fabric to cover their titties and shut the hell up! Olivier seemed to be particularly breast obsessed this week, that is of course after he was stuck picking from “All of these fat people” when they were selecting their male clients. Olivier said, “I don’t like women having boobs, it distracts from the line of the garment.” After asking both Tim Gunn and the Mood cashier about breast sizes (They are called cup sizes dear) he then expressed “Those boobs to me are trouble!” So now we know Olivier, you are a boob phobic dictator that has never had to work with a client before, and you also happen to be prejudiced against fat people… nice! This should be fun! (If only I could make it so your only client in your future career was Walmart.)

Side note: *Wait did that guy really just motorboat that dress form to show how he does it to his wife’s boobs?! Charming.*

Blah blah blah… Joshua feigns concern over Bryce or Olivier possibly getting the boot. (Looks more like a shark circling an injured seal.) Tim Gunn gets into the boob state of mind when he comes in for a visit telling Joshua’s model, in regards to not wearing a bra, “It would be different if you weren’t so firm.” Are all the guys on the show tonight dumbstruck by titties? Luckily the designers have to put their noses to grindstone to get this stuff made so we can focus on the garments from here forward.

Another side note: *Do we hate or love the new Missoni prints that are being done for Target I keep seeing in the commercial breaks? I think some look okay and others just remind me of an ugly saddle blanket! What do you guys think?*

OK, on to the Runway action! The safe designers this week were Kimberly, amazingly enough, Olivier and Laura. Kimberly brought us what can only be described as SHE by Sheree (pictured left). (All you RHOA fans will know what I am talking about.) This too tight, booty hoochie outfit with a shoulder poof surprisingly slid past the judges as a safe alternative to some other designers’ looks. I think her taste level is declining and this girl can only skirt by so long. You better raise that bar soon Kimberly or everyone is going to look up pretty soon and realize you have skirted by challenge after challenge.

Olivier was lucky that his garment looked slightly above boring this week since he fussed with the pants and bitched about his client endlessly. Yes, Olivier, unless you are going to wear all your garments yourself or mandate the wearing of them through a dictator state, you better get used to your client having an opinion. I think this boy needs a wake up call, does he really think that down the line his career is going to require LESS collaboration from him? Oy vey…

Rounding out the top 3 blahs is Laura’s teal cougar dress that I actually kind of liked. As my friend Scott brought up to me, doesn’t Laura kind of look like Pandora Boxx from RuPaul’s Drag Race? It will now totally distract me every time she comes on screen. Hell I could barely tell her apart from her client with all the blonde hair flying around tonight. I’m sorry all you pretty blonde girls look the same to me after a while, drag queens and real girls alike! I wish you kids would wear name tags for God’s sake!

Our winner this week was Joshua, which had my jaw on the floor… (Not in a good way, you all know I can’t stand the prig.) His design was cute and pretty but in the end looked like a dress to wear to a funeral if you are looking to hook up afterwards.

Anya was robbed of the win in my opinion, her design was beautiful, interesting and had just enough crazy thrown in the mix to make it a knock out. I’m not a fan of one sleeve garments but she made me like it somehow, that alone was a feat! I could see this dress worn to so many different functions that it was my hands down favorite for the week.

Coming in a close second this week was Viktor’s adorable retro inspired number that made his client look young and hip. The colors, which could have been really drab, popped wonderfully together and he really had a great fit on his model. Tim put it best when he said it looked like she had walked in off the street wearing it, it showed so much of her character. Well done Viktor, even if you were a little bitch about Anya’s look this week.

Now for the bottom dwellers: Bert showed us the same damn dress again, but this time it was too tight and too high cut. I’m glad he got rid of the trim he applied early on, her boobs looked like they were outlined there for a hot minute. He left the stage with yet another slap on the wrist but if he keeps that up much longer history shows he will be sent packing.

Anthony created what can only be described as a red, black and white camp counselor outfit from 1982 (pictured right). He got the dreaded “Safe and boring” combo from Heidi but luckily for him he was also declared safe and still on the show.

It was Bryce’s turn to get Auf’d this week for his pink mess of an outfit. Joshua so lovingly added while hugging him goodbye, “Who’s gonna make my coffee?!” (Lovely Joshua, I’m sure he was worried about the same thing.)

On camera Bryce’s garment almost looked like it was made of pink felt, I wanted to pour some glitter glue on it really bad. He had an interesting back to his garment and was going in the right direction, but the judges were right, the fit was terrible, the pockets on the hips were an eyesore, and it was frankly time to cut the cord. Week to week he just didn’t seem to be learning or keeping up so it was time to let him go. Don’t worry he will be going home to “Listen to a lot of Lady GaGa,” make some coffee in honor of Joshua and I’m sure he’ll be back with a vengeance on the runway somewhere. Frumpy girls take note: Your designer will rise again! (Or is their designer Becky?)

Next week, after a fun mini fake-out this week, we finally get the always horrendous “Menswear Challenge!” This time they are working in teams, cause we all know how well that goes, and they are designing for a band called “The Sheepdogs.” In the vein of having guest judges nobody recognizes, they went for a band nobody has ever heard of either! (Besides maybe Canadians, oh joy!) Seems like the budget for this season was a little tight for guest appearances, long gone are the days of Sarah Jessica Parker, Mila Jovovich and Lauren Hutton sitting in those guest judge chairs. How the mighty have fallen Project Runway, the best you can get are industry insiders we have never laid eyes on and Kim Kardashian? (No, Adam Lambert guest judging next time does not help matters!) Tune in next week and you better take a swig of something strong before watching, it sounds like it is going to get a little hairy on the runway.