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Reality TV and I Mess With Texas! [A Tall Glass of Shame]

Move over New Jersey, nobody wants to see you flip tables or get spray tanned anymore. You can tell Snooki her 15 minutes have long been up and she owes us like 45 back. We’ve moved on, and the network Gods of Reality TV have found a new territory for us to conquer: Texas. Recently, more and more eyes are falling on the South and have been locked, due center, on Reality TV shows set in and around the Lone Star State!

Now love it or hate it, Texas is a big state filled with some big personalities. The people here take their pride to a whole new level, and some have even pushed for secession from the US in the past. These are flag toting, patriotic Americans that are dead-set in their belief that they live in the best state in the lower 48 and if you ever talk to one in person they will not hold back on telling you why.

Sadly, it’s been a while since the fun of the Chainsaw Massacre and the The Best Little Whorehouse threw the word Texas into lights. As of late, the public view of Texas has been centered more around oil greed and politicians, than playful youth and posh parties. Reality TV producers are banking on changing that view by showing us the tried and true trend of shows centered around rich young Americans showing us how they live. Don’t blame me people, I know that the majority of Texans are nothing like these vapid attention whores we are seeing up there on the screen, the producers just know what sells.

Scott Jeffress, producer of MTV’s famed Jersey Shore has been shopping around a new reality series based in Austin, Texas called Lost In Austin. According to Jeffress, the premise of the show is to gather young people who have moved from elsewhere to Austin, setting out to make their fame, fortune and success. In the grand fashion of The Real World, the show will throw them all into a house and turn on the cameras. Sounds like a potential snooze-fest to me, as this formula is a bit worn through. He’s also casting another reality show, Texas Red set in the affluent Texas suburbs. Yay, more rich white Americans. *groan

Speaking of rich white Americans, the Style Network already beat Jeffress to the punch with their reality series Big Rich Texas. Imagine pairings of mothers and their daughters from Texas, spending their time gossiping at a country club. Fascinating, I know… But add into the mix one really bad girl who doesn’t pay attention to rules, wouldn’t be caught dead at a debutante ball and has the “C word” tattooed on her foot and hilarity really does ensue.

Bravo inevitably jumped on the bandwagon of course, as they couldn’t be the only ones not following the changing tide. Their sad offering is Most Eligible Dallas. From every promo of this show I think I know why these people are still eligible, they all look like they are fighting to look younger than they are and stay skinnier than their genes will allow them. It’s almost like watching someone young age before your eyes due to drug use. These people look a bit sad and soulless, I think if we have a reunion special in about 6 years that couch better be reinforced and they better up the soft frontal lighting. Don’t believe me? Take a look!

For all you gays out there, coming this Fall (if everything doesn’t get shut down due to some buzz behind the scenes) Logo TV will bring you The A-List Dallas. Now I know the first show, set in New York, is full of self important queens and manufactured drama, but I’m sure this one will be different! Southern boys are always charming and never overly dramatic, right? *ahem Ok, we all know it will be a messy gay drama fest and I know you will watch it if it hits the screen. Maybe this time they will show more diversity within the community rather than clone gym bunnies that claim to be actor model dancers? *I won’t hold my breath

In other news, I feel I should be fair and mention that CMT has a show that began airing in July called Texas Women. I tried watching one episode and got bored of watching 4 girls in their 20’s bitch and moan, gossip and play pranks on each other. If I wanted to see more of that I would have forced myself to sit through that terrible ABC Family movie Cyberbully. These little brats are anything but women. My recommendation? Stay far away from it.

Just when you thought you had seen it all in Texas, A&E went and recently announced their new show, American Hoggers. This new series follows a family that travels around defending Texans from wild boars. Yes you read that correctly, wild boars. Everyone, meet the Campbells: Jerry, a 64-year-old former Texas Ranger, son Robert, 28, and loudmouthed daughter Krystal, 23. Wrangling hogs requires the Campbell family to use horses, dogs with GPS tracking systems and a custom-rigged Jeep. Dear God, what has Reality TV sunk to?

Check out the American Hoggers Trailer

Now, if that isn’t enough redneck for you in one sitting you could always try Hillbilly Handfishin’! No, seriously…

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featured image credit: Nils Geylen