Sam the Sham Had Too Much Candy Corn [Fierce Anticipation]

This edition of “Fiercely Anticipating” has been tailored to fit the Halloween spirit. What’s particularly scary is I wrote this entirely at work. Does that chill your bones?!… No? …Oh.

Fiercely Anticipating… 

I like to refer to this time of year as “The Great Halloween/Christmas Flux”, which in my head looks like the Nexus from Star Trek: Generations, but littered with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Hanukkah decorations as it travels through through galaxy all ribbony-like, ultimately finding Malcolm McDowell atop a mountain (I just lost any girl who happened to be reading this). In reality, however, it is just the period of time ranging from mid-October to

Home Alone Family

Look at how comfy those holiday sweaters are!

just after Christmas, full of holiday advertising and an overall sense of family and togetherness. This is a time I think only exists in John Hughes movies, where the holidays happen exclusively outside of Chicago, and everyone has amazing sweaters. Either way, this time of year is full of child-like nostalgia for me, and that is why it’s what I am Fiercely Anticipating.

Living in South Florida, we have no seasons. We have Summer (end of May through September) and Not-Summer (everything else). As such, we tend to look at anything after September as “Winter? I guess…” Seasons are something that happens to people who live up North, and in the movies. It’s because we are climate-challenged here that I tend to view this time of year as one large holiday season. The stores don’t help, already advertising Christmas before Halloween is over. The only time I can tell the difference is when my bank teller switches from her spooky orange and black motif to her festive red and green. The houses around here gradually go from elaborate graveyard setups to intricate nativity scenes in one of oddest transitions you’ve never seen. I seriously want to set up a time-lapse camera this year to catch the brief in-between period where baby Jesus is being cradled by a hobgoblin, and the three wise men bring gold, frankinsense, and BRAAAAINS (don’t worry, it’s just cold spaghetti… this year). Oh, I’ve never done any of this. I was told early on “We are Jewish. We don’t put up shit.”

Candy Corn

Delicious, no matter what you say

I unapologetically love this time of year, though. Every decoration I see, every costume, every movie, every nuance reminds me of a simpler time, when it was socially acceptable to go around in costume. Nowadays, unless I have a party to attend, getting in costume in my house borders on serial killer behavior (note: I have never dressed up like Buffalo Bill because… gross). Some of my fondest childhood memories involve this time of year. Every time I pop a candy corn*, I am whisked away to my youth. Naturally, being a fan of retaining my youth, I down a lot of candy corn, which in turn raises my triglyceride and glucose levels, which in essence takes years off of my life. It’s counterproductive when you think of it that way, but …THEY ARE SHAPED LIKE LITTLE CORN! Corn is healthy, right?

*Please note, I love candy corn, and will defend it to the death, but I absolutely abhor the harvest medley. It makes defending candy corn nigh impossible.

Suffice it to say, I am pumped as October comes to a close and we segue into the rest of this Holiday season. And if that doesn’t do it for you, MUPPETS IN A FEW WEEKS!

On the Fence About… 

As I mentioned earlier, getting in costume is just creepy unless you have Halloween plans. Personally, I am all for dressing up as an adult, because we are ADULTS. If you work a nine-to-five, and pay your taxes, then dammit, you should get to dress up as Green Lantern once in a while… If that’s your thing. This year, my arsenal of potential costumes includes Dr. Blake Downs (from Childrens Hospital), a Mormon missionary, a guinea pig dressed as a bee, or a hipster werewolf.

slutty Nemo

What's up, Slutty Nemo?

As much as I want to rock any of the aforementioned costumes, I am faced with lackluster plans for the occasion:

  1. Go out to the bars. Apart from seeing girls dressed as slutty versions of classic costumes (looking at you sexy cop, sexy nurse, sexy ghostbuster, and sexy Aaron Burr), bars offer little in the way of traditional Halloween fun. Just overpriced drinks dyed orange, or with dry ice in them. How am I supposed to drink this? Give me a scotch. Now that’s a spooky tab!
  2. Watch horror movies. Getting closer. This sounds the most appealing. A gathering at somebody’s house is all well and good, but a movie marathon is too passive, allowing for little interaction and commenting on each other’s costumes. Besides, the people I know would want to watch nothing but Saw and Hostel movies, passing them off as horror.
  3. Travel to Orlando to do a theme park “Horror Nights” type thing. This is only fun if you have money to burn and don’t mind people invading your personal space (read: not me).
  4. Attend an “anti-party.” I am not entirely sure what this is, but sounds like something hipsters do. Hipster werewolf would show up and comment that “the moon is bullshit and used to have integrity, or whatever.”

I Could Give Two Bobbed Apples About…

Halloween Douchebaggery. With this time of year comes time for little thug punk dildo idiot putz kids to go and assert their pseudo-dominance, by shaving creaming cars, TP-ing trees, egging houses, and such. For what?

Look, kid. You’re gonna get caught. Ok? Mom and Dad do, in fact, love you, despite what you’ve built up in your stupid head. You and your friends aren’t cool tonight, or any other night. You’re gonna get grounded, and the circle will remain unbroken.

egged house

Warsaw: 1938

I never did this nonsense as a kid. Was I above it? Yes. Did that make me better than those kids? You’re damn right. I never had it in me. I was content getting candy and watching Monster Squad with my friends. Why would I risk getting hit with a belt?! (And that was my mom! My dad would be readying the bar of soap in the next room for my gauntlet of punishment). Why go through the effort of destroying somebody’s property just because the night dictates it? I know anther group of idiots who wrought destruction because the night dictated it: the Nazis on Kristalnacht! Yes, I compared structure-less children to Nazis. Chew on that when you become a parent, you little turds.

I’ll be watching.

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