Sam the Sham is Happy that the World is in the Toilet [Fierce Anticipation]

Well dear readers, it’s Sam the Sham again. Let’s not waste much time with me delving into an esoteric reason as to why I am disgruntled with stuff. Just know it involves summer camp, mononucleosis, Transformers 3, giant spiders, not going to Comic Con, and a can of black olives.

There. Now that we got that out of the way…


Within ten minutes of knowing me, you’ll find out that my birthday is (and has always been) on September 11th. I tell you this not for the pity party, but rather because it explains why I find humor in the absolute bleakest of moments, and it also comes with a good story. The short and sweet version is that a girl in college, on Sept. 11, 2002, asked me if my birthday had always been on 9/11. I said “Yes, since I was born,” which, remarkably, saddened her.

When faced with tragedy, rather than weep and moan, I try and find a way to get those around me to laugh. Distract us from the obvious plight. I am the anti-Fox News.

Don't be fooled

So what am I fiercely anticipating, you might ask? (I brought it back. Relax.) The rough road ahead! Some people turn to the bottle in time of trouble. I turn to comedians. With a new season of Louie, I am reminded about the struggle of the day to day minutiae, and how it can be soul-crushing… and yet hysterical from an outsider’s perspective. Patton Oswalt is coming out with a new album to take a few pop shots at the establishment. And a new season of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (which I have, thankfully, finally come around to watching) is going to remind us all that we are inherently good people. Because, let’s face it, the Gang is not (see photo).

I couldn’t be happier that the world is in the toilet. The Daily Show and Colbert Report are going to be AMAAAZING (with elongated A’s… and a touch of vibrato, why not). I wake up every day and pray (not really) that Michelle Bachman wins the Republican seat. I want her crazy mug plastered on every magazine, and I want her to keep doing crazy stunts, like rally South Carolinians in celebrating Elvis Presley’s birthday… on the day of his death (true story, I don’t even need to write a punchline).

I am just going to make myself a cocktail and follow as many comedians on Twitter as I can through mid-November. Who needs cable?!


Happy Birthday?

As I mentioned earlier, my birthday blows. We all make a huge deal about our birthdays. I feel like you should get your twenty-four hours, and then that’s it. You don’t get to take a week of celebrating like so many people (read: women) do. I have friends who have planned ten-day excursions to just commemorate one more year they didn’t contribute shit to this planet. We become the greediest piggies on our birthdays. As Patton Oswalt said, “We are wasting cake and paper!” I err on the side of reason and am not selfish on my birthday. Give me a Carvel/ Mrs. Fields cake, my free coupons to Starbucks/ Moe’s/Cold Stone/etc., and Facebook wall posts (I’m a sucker for ’em) and I am set. I’m not a Kardashian. So I try to lay low on my birthday.

Last year was a self-imposed fiasco, which I am still ridiculed about. I planned a big shindig out in Hollywood. I sent out an Evite, which is a big deal for me. I hate planning things almost as much as I hate going out. A handful of friends said they were unsure if they could make it, or had other plans. I panicked at the first few “rejections.” I said “screw it!” and canceled my own birthday party. My friends that wanted to go still give me grief. Planning one’s own birthday party is such a hassle! The years I have had a good time, somebody else has been in charge of putting it all together (read: mom).

Oh and this year, I have the added bonus of having it be the ten year anniversary of 9/11. They have already begun advertising specials on every channel commemorating the tragedy. Do I really want to invite people out to celebrate? “Oh what are you celebrating, on this, the day that we were viciously attacked and have spent the last ten years afraid to get on a plane.”

“Hm? Oh. That asshole over there. He made us!”

Thanks. I’ll pass.

That being said. I am thinking hibachi…?


This one was easy: Zack Snyder’s Superman. It’s a long ways off, but I am still so pissed at the idea that Zack Snyder, of all people, was handed the responsibility of bringing Superman back to the big screen. But let’s break it down, shall we? Let my nerd fumes ferment a bit.

1. Bryan Singer wasn’t that bad! I still defend Bryan Singer’s Superman Returns, despite the fact that he spells his name with a Y. It had a few good action setpieces, ignored Superman III and IV, and the casting of Brandon Routh and Kevin Spacey were amazing. If you can get past the obvious/in-your-face gay undertones… whoa, hold on. I’m not saying that the “being gay = being an alien” motif is bad… nor am I saying being gay is bad!… just saying, Singer’s X-Men films did a better job of playing it off as a workable theme. And with Superman, I had a good time in the theaters, despite it’s lackluster performance at the box office.

2. Zack Snyder is the worst. There. I said it. I can’t stand him. I think he is a hack. Snyder is purely “style over substance.” He is like a kid who has first learned to whack off; he can’t be stopped, and he is gonna keep doing it til somebody catches on and yells at him to stop. And he makes a mess of everything. Aaaaah I had to say it.

What is happening?

3.Zack Snyder is THE WORST! I said it again! He does three tricks. He speeds up, he slows down, and he focuses on random objects to try and force faux-meaning out of it. “Oh look! He tracked the bullet casing to the floor, and then lingered on that shirt button with a piece of string hanging from it!” Why are you creaming your jeans over this?! He’s like a teenage kid with a budget. Look at the films he has done so far: Dawn of the Dead (not bad), 300 (again, not bad, but the first signs of his style over substance/masturbatory instincts), Watchmen (a bastardization of the book), Legends of the Guardians (did he really make an all-CG owl movie?!), Sucker Punch (Sucker in that people paid for this, and punch as in I felt like I was donkey-punched when it was over). It seems as though he is hopefully going the way of M. Knight, but I am dreading his pitstop at Krypton.

4. Reboot Frenzy! You don’t have to be a movie buff to know that everything these days is a reboot of an old franchise or story. Not everything can get the Batman Begins treatment. That one deserved to be rebooted because Joel Schumacher left a bad taste in everyone’s collective mouth like a funky egg-salad at a potluck dinner.

Leave Superman alone. Please? It’s unnecessary to touch it. If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it. Would you redo Lord of the Rings just because the CGI is slightly better now? No… you’d make The Hobbit.

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