Secret Life of a Nerd Girl: The Mr. Awesome List
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A blogumn by Gudrun Cram-Drach
I have been single for while. For a recovering serial monogamist, 8 months is a while. I know, world’s tiniest violins from some of you, but I’m not complaining. When I’m not panicking about my childbearing years being frittered away on grad school and meaningless flings, I’m having the time of my life. I’ve met some interesting characters, and through my experience, I’ve come up with a list of suggestions for all potential Mr. Awesomes:
CRITERIA
Height: minimum 5’9”. Anything shorter and we will look like a hobbit couple.
Body type: thick but not fat. The taller you are the thinner you may be. Do NOT have extra fat around your hips or ass. But don’t be gaunt, unless it’s heroin chic.
Don’t smoke. I quit 2 years ago and tar-tongue is nasty.
If your hair line is receding it must be managed. Please do not attempt to conceal your thinning hair with an inch long Jew-fro. A 1/4 inch buzz cut is acceptable. I will help you with the back.
Don’t wear a lot of shirts that say things on them, unless they are really, really funny.
If you’re a performer I’ll probably do you.
Thick arms are good, but small hands will worry me even though I know the correlation is a myth because my best friend’s former fuck-buddy had tiny feet and a giant dong. A tiny dick is not a deal-killer but will always be a disappointment.
Be able to pick me up and throw me.
A sheltered suburban childhood is acceptable if your personality is dark enough to shadow it.
If you laugh at therapy and think people “on prozac” are crazy losers while you yourself could benefit from some time on the couch, you should die alone.
Allergies to cats are a sign of weakness.
Get my dry sense of humor.
Never say “I’m just kidding.” I know you’re kidding, and now I know you’re insecure.
Be an improvisational kisser.
Appreciate my wishful size eight with softening yoga arms and the occasional zit on my décolletage. Don’t mind that I sweat on occasion and might even burp or fart.
Live alone.
Do not walk into a party with me and say you’ll back me up, then get into a long deep name-dropping conversation trying to prove you are cool leaving me the only one at the whole party not talking to anyone.
Instructions are on the box. Read them. That’s what I do.
Don’t shirk if I cuddle up to you.
Don’t be afraid of marriage but understand that I may be.
Don’t tip-toe. Dance.
Do the work to make your dreams happen.
Have your own agenda and ink me in.
Never say “I don’t know what to say.”
Think of me when I’m not there.
And always remember, I’m awesome. Know it and live it.
You are my spiritual sister in singlehood. Every single stinkin’ thing you listed are on my prerequisite list for potential man mates. Seriously. Every last doggone one. And here’s another “I must be able to fit in your jeans so I may steal them after we break up”
You are my spiritual sister in singlehood. Every single stinkin’ thing you listed are on my prerequisite list for potential man mates. Seriously. Every last doggone one. And here’s another “I must be able to fit in your jeans so I may steal them after we break up”
Oh Gudrun, this is so funny… but I’m just going to say this and ask my married friends to co-sign this check: making a list pretty much guarantees you’ll fall in love with a guy that doesn’t have any of the qualtities you thought you wanted, but many of the qualities that you need.
My father gave me some really good advice (which is weird b/c he’s on his 4th wife) back when I was in college – make a top 5 absolute deal-breakers and only allow one of them to be broken.
Mine were
1. Must support my work as an artist
2. Must be really, really nice
3. Must be smart (and have graduated from college)
4. Must want to get married.
5. Must want to have children.
Seriously, that was my list. I feel CH fits all five. But you wouldn’t believe how hard it was to find someone who didn’t break more than one of the dealbreakers. I once let someone break 2 and that didn’t end well.
But my main point is that my father’s advice allowed me to really figure out what was important to me. The rest of it is (awesome) bonus in my opin.
Thanks Ernessa, I love the top 5 idea. Sounds like your Dad is really good at finding mates… maybe too good ;)
And Kelli, I’m totally adding the jeans requirement!
Thanks Ernessa, I love the top 5 idea. Sounds like your Dad is really good at finding mates… maybe too good ;)
And Kelli, I’m totally adding the jeans requirement!
Oh, Gudrun. Has it come to this?
Oh, Gudrun. Has it come to this?
In reply to Ernessa, my friends all make fun of me when I say I can’t date someone who didn’t go to college. But you know, there’s a couple things you can’t fake in a relationship, and horribly mis-matched education levels is one of them. I read this book by the eHarmony guy (i know. i know.) and he said the two things you must be compatible on are energy level & education level. Everything else is negotiable.
In reply to Ernessa, my friends all make fun of me when I say I can’t date someone who didn’t go to college. But you know, there’s a couple things you can’t fake in a relationship, and horribly mis-matched education levels is one of them. I read this book by the eHarmony guy (i know. i know.) and he said the two things you must be compatible on are energy level & education level. Everything else is negotiable.
Howard, I’ll ignore your first comment and just ask whether it’s education or intelligence that must match? I totally agree with the sentiment, but have met many people who weren’t as dumb as to spend an extra 3 years in grad school to do the same work I am doing. What a terrible sentence. But very good point. And physical attraction isn’t really negotiable, if it’s not there, it will wreck you in the end.
Howard, I’ll ignore your first comment and just ask whether it’s education or intelligence that must match? I totally agree with the sentiment, but have met many people who weren’t as dumb as to spend an extra 3 years in grad school to do the same work I am doing. What a terrible sentence. But very good point. And physical attraction isn’t really negotiable, if it’s not there, it will wreck you in the end.
Gudrun – I agree. And that’s why I always fall for the barback, never the bartender. Sigh………
Gudrun – I agree. And that’s why I always fall for the barback, never the bartender. Sigh………
You & I went to trade schools though, essentially. Trade schools for the creative. And whether you go for the MFA or not, other people in your field still had to go through some sort of rigorous testing & apprenticeship period.
I think the eHarmony guy must’ve meant compatible intelligences that have been cultivated in a similar environment/manner, but i’ll re-read it tonight when i’m home. I just know with my last long-term boyfriend this was a profound sticking point. He had an AA (2 year) degree from a junior college, and we ran out of things to talk about quickly……
You & I went to trade schools though, essentially. Trade schools for the creative. And whether you go for the MFA or not, other people in your field still had to go through some sort of rigorous testing & apprenticeship period.
I think the eHarmony guy must’ve meant compatible intelligences that have been cultivated in a similar environment/manner, but i’ll re-read it tonight when i’m home. I just know with my last long-term boyfriend this was a profound sticking point. He had an AA (2 year) degree from a junior college, and we ran out of things to talk about quickly……
I had a similar experience to Howard’s — save no community college even, and it became a huge deal towards the end.
College teaches you more than many think it does, including how to think, how to read in an intelligent way, how to dissect, and how to argue.
Also, it teaches you to consider other people’s views and arguments.
Getting into arguments or even trying to have an in-depth discussion with someone who hasn’t been to college can be frustrating if you have been to college and value being able to talk about a variety of topics.
I was once blown off after one date with a philosophy professor and I didn’t blame him one bit. We had different intelligence values.
And though, I wouldn’t have turned down a date with an unmarried Bill Gates during my single days, I think he’s a very rare exception to the rule.
I’d be interested to hear from other people on this topic. Like, Gudrun, have you dated someone with a high school education and not had any of the problems that Howard or I did?
Also, Gudrun, CH often says the same thing about having a masters in his profession. But we probably wouldn’t be together if he only had a high school education, as that’s something I highly, highly valued after having been burnt in a relationship prior to him. I feel a masters isn’t just for work, but also sets you up for other opportunities in life.
If there were a romantic comedy about my life starring John Cusack as me (i’m just saying…) it would be called “Must Love Proust”.
And Chris Meloni would play the love interest.
To take Ernessa’s point, I’ve had the same problem with people who were hyper-educated. So much so that I had a no PhD’s rule for a while, which was maybe silly, but they can get a little lost in the clouds. Plus one of them turned to me & said, “stop trying to be smarter than me.” That was a def buzz kill.
If there were a romantic comedy about my life starring John Cusack as me (i’m just saying…) it would be called “Must Love Proust”.
And Chris Meloni would play the love interest.
To take Ernessa’s point, I’ve had the same problem with people who were hyper-educated. So much so that I had a no PhD’s rule for a while, which was maybe silly, but they can get a little lost in the clouds. Plus one of them turned to me & said, “stop trying to be smarter than me.” That was a def buzz kill.
I do agree that university level education is important, and I admit that anyone I’ve been with seriously has gone to college, and then some. I probably gravitate toward the overeducated because, you know, they get me… but I have had friends and lovers who skipped that stage, who I got along with just as well (though note “lovers” not “boyfriends”).
As someone who has attended an overwhelming number of art classes, and an under-whelming number of critical thinking classes, and I’ve had to reassess my definition of smarts. There are many different types of smart, and they don’t always rise to the surface at the same time. Some of us find it necessary to appear smart all the time, others prefer to let their intellect shine in ways that work best for them… like the hot gaffer I once… knew… who was a math whiz under the muscles. He could have done the Jeff Goldblum thing, but instead he did the crew guy who could assess space and wire a room in no time flat routine.
But… as someone in her thirties, I feel a balance of education and experience and priorities are what make the mate. There is such a thing as too over-schooling as well.
I do agree that university level education is important, and I admit that anyone I’ve been with seriously has gone to college, and then some. I probably gravitate toward the overeducated because, you know, they get me… but I have had friends and lovers who skipped that stage, who I got along with just as well (though note “lovers” not “boyfriends”).
As someone who has attended an overwhelming number of art classes, and an under-whelming number of critical thinking classes, and I’ve had to reassess my definition of smarts. There are many different types of smart, and they don’t always rise to the surface at the same time. Some of us find it necessary to appear smart all the time, others prefer to let their intellect shine in ways that work best for them… like the hot gaffer I once… knew… who was a math whiz under the muscles. He could have done the Jeff Goldblum thing, but instead he did the crew guy who could assess space and wire a room in no time flat routine.
But… as someone in her thirties, I feel a balance of education and experience and priorities are what make the mate. There is such a thing as too over-schooling as well.
I feel the same way about friends who might not have as much education as me, but our definitely smarter than me in many aspects.
Though friendship and dating are way different things. I couldn’t date any of my male friends. That’s why they’re my friends.
Though, strangely enough, my best friend, Monique and I match education-wise exactly. We both went to the same undergrad and grad schools.
Having attended both art classes and critical thinking classes, I don’t think there’s a huge difference. Breaking down themes and situations applies to both art and critical thinking.
I appreciate your crew guy example, as I love when people look at ALL of their skills and apply them to the job that would be best-suited for them. I find it sad when some says, I’m good at math, and becomes a math teacher, simply because they’re good at math. They could be using their math skills for so many other things. Look at your entire skill set, I say, and go with that.
Which is why I can’t wait to see your animated series, “Batter Girl,” on a screen some day, Gudrun. :)
Also, I don’t believe in being over-educated. I think that’s a myth and part of the ugly backlash against intelligence and education, that this country is currently engaged in. How can you be over-educated? if you enjoy learning, you enjoy learning. And what could ever be wrong with that?
It can be wrong if you choose to always remain in a university environment because it feels safer than the “real world” (sorry, have an ex who would love to be in grad/doctorate/JD school for the rest of his life, god I hope he doesn’t read this)… the pursuit of knowledge as a part of a real world life is a different thing, and I am very very much in favor or that.
It can be wrong if you choose to always remain in a university environment because it feels safer than the “real world” (sorry, have an ex who would love to be in grad/doctorate/JD school for the rest of his life, god I hope he doesn’t read this)… the pursuit of knowledge as a part of a real world life is a different thing, and I am very very much in favor or that.
Well, what’s the real world? Do we, being in the arts, live the real world? I think it’s apples and oranges. If your ex wants to make a career of academia, then more power to him — luckily, you don’t have to live with him there. Though I do agree that comfort zones are very dangerous and can set you up for huge regrets if you indulge them too much.