Sex On Your To-Do List? [Ask Dr. Miro: What You Didn’t Learn In Health Class]
Dear Dr. Miro,
My gorgeous, brilliant, wife and I have really busy lives between our fulltime jobs, volunteer work and newly adopted twins lets just say: not a lot of together-alone time. I’m really worried we are going to have Lesbian Death Bed and as a result I wanted to try to schedule some times for us to have sex but she got angry at the idea saying I’m being selfish, our relationship is obviously in danger if we need to plan things like that and I should’ve thought of this before the adoption went through. This all really hurt me. Also, I thought she’d like the idea of putting this on our to-do list but no. We used to have amazingly passionate filled days and nights but there hasn’t been any of that since the babies arrived. How can I bring this up again with out feeling totally rejected or sounding resentful of the kiddies (because I’m not)?
Lacking Sleep & Sex
First of all, congratulations on your twins – how wonderful and exhausting for you both! The idea of scheduling sex for busy couples is really important. Special Sexy Mommy Time is crucial for maintaining that sensual bond that brought you together in the beginning. When you are sleep deprived from such a hectic life style it is hard to react to things upon initial hearing in a sane manner so, it is understandable your wife may have reacted in the manner she did. While on the surface the ideas of having a sex life AND raising twins being mutually exclusive may seem true, it does not have to be. Of course you are feeling hurt! You were already having attachment issues and this pushed you away further. It is not selfish to want to connect sexually with your Life Partner.
You do need to consider when to broach this topic in a way that won’t continue to push her away. Bring up your feelings of disconnect in a way devoid of pressure. Start with appreciation. Do not point fingers about how lacking you are or how she may not be giving as much as you want. This will go sourer than that day old milk on the binky. Let your Bride know how much it means to you that you have such full lives together. Describe the happiness and joy she and your babies bring into your life. A lot of times when couples start a family, all energy is focused onto the child(ren), which can make one, or both of the parents feel neglected. By the time you get to Adult Time, emotional and physical resources have been depleted. As a result of this, it is OK to ask for some of your physical and emotional needs to be met within the context of your relationship at an agreed upon time. This is healthy and can prevent permanent riffs in your partnership’s future. The fact you are acknowledging your desires is important! It does not mean your marriage is necessarily in danger. It, more than likely, means you are attempting to keep it out of that danger zone. Talking about this, when you have both had a bit of sleep, will actually strengthen your physical bond especially if you can hold hands while conversing.
This brings us into infamous “Date Night” territory. Many folks initially feel by scheduling sex and or Date Night, it takes all the fun and spontaneity out of your sensual life together. But then, how much sensuality is there in your life right now? So, spontaneity is the least of your worries (except maybe in the catching of projectile fluids from your twins). Sometimes just knowing there is a scheduled night to be alone together can be pretty exciting. The days leading up to this, in and of themselves, can be a kind of fore play. Invest in a babysitter. This is all about priorities. Also, is your relationship bond more or less important to you then one of the organizations you do volunteer work for? Yes, it is wonderful that you are doing so many fabulous things but it may be time to trim it down. Remind your beautiful wife of how much pleasure you wish to give her and how much you are looking forward to loving her after all she has been giving. Frame your desires in a way that are complimenting, encouraging and loving as opposed to demanding and threatening. This is not something to simply cross off a to-do list and get done! This is an opportunity to make your marriage stronger and as a result your parenting and professional life will flow a bit easier. It can seem like magic the way it all connects!
Lust & Happiness,
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featured image credit: Courtney Dirks