Single White Nerd: Seduct-a-Slim
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a blogumn by Michael Kass
Last time we met, I waxed poetic about my One True Love. Well, in the manner of all such relationships, this one has taken over my life. For the moment. No time to gaze longingly at my own navel and meditate upon the nuances of human relationships.
I have, however, had the chance to think about heartbreak. Specifically, how we respond to it. Some people retreat into themselves, curl up into a snuggie, eat ice cream and watch Oprah. Others–the fortunate ones–reach out to their support network and fill the void with food, folks and fun (I will now get sued by McDonald’s for associating their oil rich obesity bombs with heartbreak). And still others–and I count myself among their numbers–simply stop eating altogether.
Which brings me to my latest Great Invention that Will Make Me Rich: Seduct-a-Slim!
For a nominal fee, you can have a person of your preferred gender seduce you, make you fall in love, and then break your heart. It’s like matchmaking with a higher goal! Or, if you want to be all cynical about it, Prostitution with a Purpose. You fill out an extensive form, go in for an interview, and Seduct-a-Slim takes it from there. One day while out shopping, playing Putt-Putt or going on a nature walk, your ideal mate (a contractor specially chosen just for you by Seduct-a-Slim) will approach you. You’ll “meet cute.” Start dating. Soon you’re in love and no sooner have you placed your faith in this other person than they will break your heart.
Hello heartbreak, goodbye beer gut! Or whatever the female equivalent of a beer gut is!
Anyway, seems like a good idea.
I mean, I’m not nursing a heartbreak or anything, folks. It’s not like my little reunification with my One True Love (inanimate though she may be) has gone horribly awry and I wake up in a cold sweat every night cursing the day I met her. I’m just speaking, you know, hypothetically.
I will tell you, however, that I’ve never been slimmer.
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Watch heartbreak in action! Michael appears in The Designated Mourner, opening Friday.
Check it out.
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