Staples Center Closed Until Sunday’s “Fecal Biohazard” Is Sanitized

Los Angeles, CA – Monday
By Joshua Mauldin

Game 5 between the Clippers and the Grizzlies will be played at USC’s Galen Center on Tuesday unless sanitation crews can sterilize the “fecal biohazard” left by the Lakers in time.

Sanitation officials have called in reinforcements to help remove gallons upon gallons of bowel waste from the Staples Center but they doubt the job will be finished quick enough.

“I’ve never seen such a massive, collective dump taken before,” said Rodrigo Alvarez, head of the clean-up effort. “It’s all over the court, in the locker room, the parking lot…pretty much everywhere a Laker player stepped. We’ve had to quarantine Jack Nicholson, that’s how bad it is.”

Image Credit: aegworldwide.com