Stay-at-Home Nerd: The Bully at the Mall
It’s been a while since I’ve seen a bully in person. I guess there were some in my grade school, middle school and maybe even high school, but I can only vaguely remember getting bullied once. It was my first or second day at a new school and some kid (he’s a facebook friend of mine) supposedly pushed me into the dirt. I say supposedly because I don’t remember it ever happening. Maybe I was traumatized or maybe it was a good story by him that got etched in my brain. I wouldn’t say that kid was a bully, though. We actually played on soccer teams together, and by high school we’d occasionally see each other at parties. I have no idea what that kid is up to now, and I can’t say that the supposed event had any long lasting effects.
My son, who is a little over a year now, got bullied for the first time this past week. We were at the play area in the mall. You might have seen this place before. It’s jam packed full of sugar-fueled kids and stressed-out moms with the occasional dad lording over his kid to ensure his fun and safety. Personally, I’d never noticed the play area before I had a kid, but since Los Angeles has turned into the frozen tundra it is an awesome place to burn some time and energy.
Since my kid can’t walk yet, he usually crawls from climbing apparatus to climbing apparatus and stares at the older kids in awe. For the most part they ignore him, although a few will try and talk to him. A couple of kids have tried successfully and unsuccessfully to give him a hug. And he even got a kiss on the head from a four year old. If he could talk, I’m certain he would tell his friends.
Along the walls are tic-tac-toe boards that spin. Non-walking babies seem to find these especially amazing and this is where my boy was when the bullying happened. It is not unusual for one, two or many kids to horde together when one of them has discovered something, so I wasn’t surprised when the suspect in question, a hefty three-year-old with dark hair, a block head and an inability to smile hogged up two thirds of the board. It wasn’t alarming and my son and he seemed to be fine. Then the block head put his meaty paws on the boards my son was spinning. The spinning stopped. My boy let out a little whimper and looked over at me.
At this point there’s really only a few options. I could remove my son from the situation. That felt like giving the bully the yard which didn’t feel right. I could say something to the other kid, but I don’t feel that’s my job. The third option and the one I chose was to let it play out. Much to my surprise my boy, who was a good six inches and ten pounds lighter than the kid in questions, turned back to the boy and tried to spin his boards anyway. That’s when the real bullying started.
Realizing his attempt to overthrow the tic tac toe board was in jeopardy the older kid pushed my son over to the side and turned his back to him thus preventing my son an opportunity to play with what was his board. Not wanting to see my son pushed I stood up and walked over. Again I was both surprised and amazed by my son’s reaction. Instead of crying, he shoved the older, bigger, heavier kid and played with his boards again. I wish it had ended there.
The big kid was unfazed by my small child pushing him and he grabbed him. That’s when I stepped. “Don’t touch my kid,” I said. And the other boy looked up defiantly. It occurred to me that although I had never been in this situation before this kid sure had. He didn’t leave, he didn’t smile, he didn’t look deterred, but he did let go. Was I now being bullied, I thought? What do I do if he doesn’t stop? What if he tries to punch my kid? What if he kicks me, which is what he looked like wanted to do? Thankfully his mother came rushing over and yelled at him. She took him away.
It wasn’t long before my boy moved from the boards to the plastic turtle statue in the middle. As he tried to climb the mean kid returned and tried to block his way. It was over before it really began. His mom grabbed him this time and took him from the play area. I’d like to say that kid learned his lesson, but I’m afraid he didn’t. Maybe he never will. I don’t know if my son learned anything that day, either. But, I am sure he won’t suffer any long lasting effects. And that’s a good thing.
featured image credit: Lynda Giddens
This is so funny because I have watched this very same scenario play out with my son and with other kids at our local mall playground. I live on the East Coast and it is freezing (and was snow-covered), so we spend almost an hour or so every weekend at the playground at our local mall. Both my husband and I go and we hold our 5 month old (I am not brave enough to sit her down to play while those 2, 3 and 4 year olds run around like maniacs) while my almost 3 year plays. There have been a couple of times when other kids have pushed him while he was climbing the steps to the slide or tried to get in front of him when he was playing with those very same boards. Unlike you though, I have very little patience for anyone (even another kid) touching my kid. So I tend to stand up immediately, go over and say something to the other kid or look around for his parent and give them the evil eye coupled with a silent look of “you better come get your kid!” My thing is when my son is acting up (e.g., hitting ot pushing or hogging a toy) I correct him and i expect other parents to do the same.
I find mall playgrounds fascinating, b/c it’s like complete Lord of the Flies in there. I wouldn’t call Betty a bully, but she is a snatcher and an edger outter. That is, she’ll walk up to another kid and snatch that kids toy and if another kid is playing with a standing toy, she’ll come over and gently hip check the other kid out of the way, so that she can play with it herself. A few times I’ve had to intervene, apologize profusely and give the kid her toy back — but only with other girls. Strangely enough, when she bullies boys, the other moms or dads are soooo quick on the draw, telling the boys to let Betty have the toy and getting really upset if they try to fight her for it. So the mall playground and play groups often break down along gender stereotypes and I find that my daughter is somehow given permission to bully boys but not girls. Every so once in a while, some bigger girl will bully Betty. What’s funny is that Betty is usually so happy to get attention from a bigger girl, that she doesn’t seem to mind at all. But even in those cases, the moms have always come over to correct their bullying girls right away. From what I can tell, people really don’t like to see little girls mistreated in any way, but they’re not as careful with boys. I think there should be a happy medium, parents chastising girls and boys the same for egregious behavior. Then again, the playground from what I can see is a microcosm of the real world. I wonder if parents should intervene as much as they do if no one’s being physically harmed. Though, I do realize that it’s hard to agree on what might be considered egregious behavior for a child.
After reading your comment and going to the mall playgrounds several more times I find that I’m more bothered by parents behavior than most of the kids. If the kid is 6 or 7 and running around with shoes I immediately look for their parent and judge them as incompetent and borderline immoral. If a 3 year old steps on somebody it’s not a big deal. If a 7 year old jumps off the fake space ship he could break kid’s bones or worse.
There are also the parents, usually dads, that are glued to their iphone, blackberry, etc. I guess they’re doing something important, but it makes it wonder how vested they are in what is actually going on around them. It’s not that there kids are necessarily up to no good, but when problems do arise they are often the last to intervene and the first to look confused by what’s going on. Personally I don’t bring mine with me during these times. I feel like I’m not being a stay-at-home dad so that I can miss out on watching him. I also suck at multi-tasking so that may be part of it.
Also on my list are parents that bring kids that are too old or too tall for the play area. It’s not a personal playground for your child’s enjoyment. It’s a public playground with a few specific rules to help ensure the safety of everyone.
And finally the parents who bring McDonalds into the playground have got to go. It’s not that hard to step out of the play area to a bench or to even just stand outside and eat if you must. It’s pretty gross to see your infant son with someone else’s french fry in his mouth.
What I don’t like is the parents that just leave them there and go shopping. If your kid is old enough to be left alone on the mall playground w/o walking off with a candy-bearing stranger, then he’s probably too old to be there.
I don’t text or browse will I’m at the outdoor or indoor playground, either. But I do leave my headphones in and listen to my audiobook. That way I can be diligent but not bored out of my skull.
It is funny because my view of the play area has changed since I first posted. I’ve encountered two more bullies, but by and by the kids seem to be having a lot of fun. My kid is only 15 months and not a great walker yet so he mostly gets around by crawling. This has led him to get stepped on, accidentally kicked in the face and tackled by a smaller kid.
Thankfully, none of this made him cry. He looked more puzzled than anything and then proceeded to go about doing whatever he was doing. I’ve noticed that more often than not parents will tell other children to look out for the baby.
The one weird thing that does keep happening is that little girls (like 3,4,5) will come up to my son and rub his head. I don’t know if it’s for good luck or what. Again, my son takes it pretty much in stride. Usually they tire of this and take off running so I haven’t had to step in again.
I imagine the whole dynamic changes over time as they age.
This makes me think of those child development research studies where a bunch of grad students sit around with clip boards recording every event (aggressive, confrontational, whatever) that occurs while a group of toddlers are playing. They have codes for everything. Then they try to map these behavior patterns onto socioeconomic factors, or parenting styles, or how the kids change over time. If your kid is in the UC Berkeley daycare system, they are followed around by a lot of well-meaning grad students with clipboards a lot. I wonder if this backfires by giving them an inflated sense of self-importance later in life.
That really should be regulated. I would like to go to the Berkeley daycare center and follow around the clipboard crew with a clipboard of my own.
A clipboard and a whistle!!