Stop Thinking And F Me! [Ask Dr. Miro: What You Didn't Learn In Health Class]
Dear Dr. Miro,
My boyfriend and I have been together five years.
We recently attempted to engage in intercourse. While doing foreplay, we try and do everything to each other: all the needs are satisfied and he has a nice erection but when it comes to having sex he becomes flaccid due to nervousness and having thoughts of getting me pregnant.
Of course he wears condoms but still he gets the thoughts. We tried everything. I know there’s nothing wrong with his penis. It’s just the thoughts he gets messes up the whole mood. This is really frustrating both of us.
What can we do to erase the thoughts out of his head so he lasts?
Need Him Hard
Of course this is incredibly frustrating for both of you! I am happy you are wearing condoms, engaging in foreplay and all of that but, as you have been experiencing, something is still in the way.
Those pesky thoughts can be such a nuisance! The technical term is Cognitive Dissonance. It is when you cannot quiet the chatter in your mind and it distracts you from other pursuits. In this instance, the pursuit is his ability to maintain an erection. The tricky part of all this is the more you focus on the problem, the worst it gets.
He will be worried about his inability to perform and you will be just waiting for it to happen. Try to cut this cycle of self fulfilling prophecy by becoming more fascinated in the moment. The outcome needs to go on the back burner for a bit. Engage in non-goal oriented sex.
I will not suggest any methods for thought or mind erasure. However, I will recommend a technique for re-focusing thoughts on the present tense. Take turns talking in a descriptive manner about what is going on while you two are getting sexy.
Describe the smells, tastes, movements, girths, fluids and more out loud. Focus on what is actually going on. By tuning in to what is actually in front of you, most of those distracting thoughts will not have room right then.
At a moment when you are not being sexual, talk out what exactly he is afraid of in regards to getting pregnant. Acknowledging it can be a scary thing and then focusing on the reality of your situation may take some of his fear away.
He may have had some sketchy experiences in the past that are coming up and presenting in your bedroom. Try to eliminate all goals while being sexual other than feeling pleasure and see what unfolds.
Lust & Happiness,