Due to a busy week, I didn’t have time to put together an all new Friday 5er. I probably should’ve saved the M. Night Shyamalan article for that but hey, as my wife knows all too well, I’m not that bright. So instead of an original post, I thought it would be fun to take a brief look back at the best of everyone’s favorite second-rate Onion ripoff. Below are the five top viewed articles, which means they’re chosen by you – the public. I’m nothing if not a man of the people:   5. Mime Cokes To Death During Performance; Receives Thunderous Applause. Amidst what was called a tour-de-force by spectators, street performer Francois Armand accidentally swallowed a chain of scarves and passed away from suffocation at the Santa Monica Promenade Wednesday afternoon. The scarves, which he normally hid in his mouth at the beginning of the routine, were intended for the finale but became lodged in his throat while attempting to escape from an invisible box. The unfortunate event was witnessed by thirty-six people, none-of-whom stopped to help him. “I thought he was tearing it up,” said Andrea Carpenter, a UCLA student waiting in line at the Apple Store, “At no point did I think he was ever in a stiff wind but the choking thing, that was so realistic I was like ‘damn, you go mime.” Services for Armand will be held at the Our Lady of the Obvious Joke church this Sunday at six o’clock.   4. Overweight Man Forgets To Post Daily Gym Picture On Facebook; Friends Worried. A 268-pound Portland resident prompted concern from his peers after neglecting to post a gym picture to Facebook last night. For the past six weeks, Bertrand Kelm has provided photographic evidence of himself on either a treadmill or an elliptical machine every day, but last evening friends were disturbed to discover no such picture. “I’m speechless,” said Aimee Harvin, coworker and object of Kelm’s unrequited affection. “There’s so much wrong with the world, Bert’s daily exercise updates give me hope that things can get better.” Hayden Smythe, someone Bert met at a birthday party two years ago, agrees. “That a single man in his late 20?s with relatively few obligations can find the strength to take better care of himself inspires all of us. I hope he hasn’t given up.” While wiping a tear from his eye, Smythe paused for reflection. “Bert, if you’re reading this, please don’t stop, humanity needs you.” UPDATE: Fierce and Nerdy has discovered that Mr. Kelm’s phone battery died at the end of his last workout. He has since allayed his friends’ fears with an uplifting status update complete with pictures of a chicken salad and a scale displaying half-a-pound weight loss.   3. Veterinarian Says Cats Won’t Go In Litter Box Because Screw You, That’s Why. After a ten year study of feline behavior, Veterinarian Genesis Allen, concluded this morning that cats who won’t defecate in their litter boxes are punishing their owners for reasons only they understand. “You may have cuddled with them too much,” said Allen regarding possible causes. “Or you may not have cuddled long enough. Maybe they didn’t like their new food. Maybe they’re tired of the old food. Maybe they didn’t appreciate you petting a dog. Maybe they didn’t like the way you ignored a dog. Who the hell knows?” Dr. Allen went on to say that after spending a decade “chronicling these bastards” all he can say is, “scientifically speaking, cats are hairball-puking judgement machines with the ethical standards of a tyrant and the emotional stability of an overweight teenage girl.” The 150 page study entitled Why Didn’t I Listen To My Mother And Become A Dentist is available for download on Dr. Allen’s website.   2. Man Hasn’t Seen Game Of Thrones; What An Asshole. A white male in his early thirties, who...

I wasn’t going to make this post because I couldn’t quite put into words how I felt about Facebook Home. I kept trying to come up with analogies that would help relay my true feelings about it and because of this, I kept putting it off. Then, last weekend my dog lost his toe in a tragic ‘pawing at the wicker basket’ accident. In case you’ve been living under a rock, on April 12th Facebook released its app/jacket/cover/non OS thing called Facebook Home. Rumors have been brewing about a Facebook phone since Facebook itself went mobile. Zuckerberg was always quick to let it be known that a phone itself wasn’t in Facebook’s scope for the near future or probably ever. Then, in true Facebook fashion (meaning yet another Facebook press conference surrounded by hype where Zuck appeared to not have noticed the outfit his wife laid out for him that day RIGHT on the bed so he threw on whatever was closest to him on the ground) Facebook Home was announced! Is it an OS? No. Is it an app? No, not really. Well then, what the frig is it? Facebook Home, currently available to a few select Android devices, is something I would’ve first begun to describe as a sort of mask. As in… it hides your OS and Facebookifies your phone through features like Chat Heads (trying not to be another blogger with shit to say about THAT name EEEeeee), which is an attempt to integrate texting and Facebook messaging by alerting you just to the side of your Cheezburger viewathon that your mom is texting you to ask what it is that you were taking that worked so well for your Nigerians… oop she meant migraines. Frickin autocorrect. I thought this feature would be a pretty cool one. You don’t have to exit your current app to open your messaging app and it would flow really nicely into having a conversation with someone. However, since I’m not the most active Facebook Messaging user in the world, I found the chat list and messaging app to be a total clusterfuck. The biggest turn off for me being that in order to send a message, I’d have to distinguish between if I was sending it to my friend’s cellphone or their Facebook. And, well, since I’m over 25, Facebook Messaging just doesn’t happen to be my standard form of communication.It felt cumbersome and totally in the way of me trying to send a text. Second ‘big’ feature: Cover Feed. This basically replaces your phone’s lock screen and home screen wallpaper with a continuous flow of photos and news items that you would normally find in your feed upon signing onto Facebook or opening the mobile app. I knew since before I downloaded Facebook Home that this would be a feature I would opt out of (allegedly it’s disableable) and not even use for so many obvious reasons. I don’t need to see shirtless selfies of my 18 year old cousin when I go to check what time it is (said cousin being a ‘he’ but still…). Facebook Home also disables the ability to secure these things from random people picking up your phone, so there’s that. I downloaded Facebook Home on April 12. I actually checked multiple times throughout the day to see if it was available for my S3 in the Play Store yet. I was excited about switching things up a bit from my standard Android experience. I enjoy interfaces (interactive experiences are what I do for a living), and it’s fun to see developers stray from the intuitive (or what becomes intuitive based on prior experiences). I was happy to see Facebook take a stab at changing my phone experience altogether and “putting people at the center” of it. I checked the Play Store for the 6th time that day and there it was. Click. Download....