I chose this post because I knew that if I didn’t, Ernessa would murder me with an ice-pick. And then Jessica Fletcher would have to solve the case of who murdered me with an ice pick, and Angela Lansbury is too old for that shit. So here you go- enjoy! Let’s say you killed Guy Fieri and dumped his body in a swamp- accidentally, of course. That is to say, you killed him accidentally- it would be very hard to drop something in a swamp accidentally unless you lived in the Everglades and were a particularly poor juggler in which case you’d be dropping beanbags and kittens in the swamp all the time but, on the plus side, you’d be surrounded by happy, well-fed gators. Anyhow, let’s say hypothetically you did accidentally kill Guy Fieri and drop his body in a swamp- well- that would be something to be really embarrassed about- way more embarrassing than watching Murder, She Wrote on TV Land every night, which is the only thing I’m guilty of- even if I am watching it on DVR, so there’s no possible way I can say that I watched it by accident. After all, DVR implies intent, malice, forethought and cold blooded calculation as was demonstrated in the landmark Supreme Court Case The People of California vs That Dude at Work Who’s Always Talking About the Kardashians Even Though He Swears He’s Only Watched Khloe and Lamar Like, Once And He Only Did That Because He’s a Such A Huge Hoops Fan (Barack Obama). I mean, come on, after the 15th consecutive hour, there’s no way in hell I can say I just happened to watch Murder, She Wrote by accident since I was flipping channels to get away from Guy Fieri (the television love...

Every so often, my husband’s vocabulary greatly (and suddenly) improves. He begins using the kind of unnecessarily long words that he normally mocks me for employing. This inevitably means he has either been reading or watching Sherlock Holmes. Let me clarify, he has either been reading Arthur Conan Doyle’s original stories or watching the brilliant Granada version of Sherlock Holmes starring Jeremy Brett. The Granada TV presentation of Sherlock Holmes is beautifully true to the original text, unlike many other versions which are… what’s a fancy turn of phrase I can use here?… dumb as shit. I adore the BBC’s Sherlock. Benedict Cumberbatch is amazing and has the best name since Sherlock Holmes, himself, but have you seen A Study in Pink? In my mind, someone told the writer, “You borrowed this scene from The Princess Bride. Don’t you think people will notice?” The writer then responded, “Inconceivable!” A Study in False Advertising As I imagine is true of many of my peers, my first introduction to Sherlock Holmes was Disney’s The Great Mouse Detective. This film featured the mouse who lived beneath 221B Baker Street. The mouse detective is named Basil so it is pretty clear they are using Rathbone’s series of Sherlock Holmes movies as their source as opposed to the actual stories. Naturally, the mouse wears a deer stalker, the Watson character is a bumbling idiot and Moriarty is the bad guy. From my early youth, I was given the standard movie tropes instead of some genuine Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock is up there with Frankenstein’s monster in being misrepresented to the masses. The next incarnation of Sherlock Holmes to cross my path came in the form of Without a Clue in which Michael Caine plays a dim-witted actor hired by Watson...