I chose this post because I knew that if I didn’t, Ernessa would murder me with an ice-pick. And then Jessica Fletcher would have to solve the case of who murdered me with an ice pick, and Angela Lansbury is too old for that shit. So here you go- enjoy! Let’s say you killed Guy Fieri and dumped his body in a swamp- accidentally, of course. That is to say, you killed him accidentally- it would be very hard to drop something in a swamp accidentally unless you lived in the Everglades and were a particularly poor juggler in which case you’d be dropping beanbags and kittens in the swamp all the time but, on the plus side, you’d be surrounded by happy, well-fed gators. Anyhow, let’s say hypothetically you did accidentally kill Guy Fieri and drop his body in a swamp- well- that would be something to be really embarrassed about- way more embarrassing than watching Murder, She Wrote on TV Land every night, which is the only thing I’m guilty of- even if I am watching it on DVR, so there’s no possible way I can say that I watched it by accident. After all, DVR implies intent, malice, forethought and cold blooded calculation as was demonstrated in the landmark Supreme Court Case The People of California vs That Dude at Work Who’s Always Talking About the Kardashians Even Though He Swears He’s Only Watched Khloe and Lamar Like, Once And He Only Did That Because He’s a Such A Huge Hoops Fan (Barack Obama). I mean, come on, after the 15th consecutive hour, there’s no way in hell I can say I just happened to watch Murder, She Wrote by accident since I was flipping channels to get away from Guy Fieri (the television love...

Breaking Bad is hands down the best show on television right now, and maybe the best ever. It certainly ranks up there. No show has been able to sustain such dramatic momentum and continuously improve from season to season quite so well, without devolving into a soap opera or throwing out random subplots. Most impressively, unlike the other shows considered the greats by elitist television viewers (a label that would have been an oxymoron 15 years ago)—shows like Mad Men, The Wire, The Sopranos, et al—Breaking Bad has done it with a very small cast of characters and essentially one story line. Yes, the show takes twists and turns, but the entire story of Walter White is about a high school chemistry teacher learning that he is dying of cancer and making the choice to cook crystal meth to earn money for his family. Everything else in the series follows this choice. Series creator Vince Gilligan has said he wants to turn Mr. Chips into Tony Montana. Structurally speaking, it’s really one big movie told over multiple seasons that will culminate in the ultimate fate of Mr. White. Oh what a ride it’s been so far. Each episode is about as visceral an experience as I’ve ever had in front of a television set—and I’m a sports fan. It’s the only show I’ve ever watched that actually provokes a vocal response from me other than laughter (although there’s plenty of that in the show’s underappreciated comedic side). I don’t think I’ve actually been moved to speak to a show like this before (unless you count hurling insults during my attempt to watch the show Glee, but that’s another column), alternating cheering, shouting warnings, and using a lot of profanity. In case you can’t tell,...

As anyone with cable can attest, we’re currently in Renaissance of television, with some of the most insightful, original, and exciting storytelling ever produced not just for the small screen, but for any screen. Anyone who doesn’t get cable probably doesn’t watch television, since the most broadcast network fare is the exact opposite—bland, formulaic writing that doesn’t take chances and is soon to be canceled in favor of the next reality show singing/dancing/cooking/dating competition show. People who complain about not liking anything on television are like people who say they don’t like wine but have only tasted one varietal of Chardonnay that poured from a cardboard box. With so many fantastic new shows popping up all over cable, the race always seems to be on to declare each one the “best show on television.” There’s the MAD MEN people, the BREAKING BADers, the TRUE BLOODiers, DAMAGES peeps, and now the GAME OF THRONES folks. I myself can enjoy all of them, though I know nothing will ever surpass THE WIRE. However, there are other shows that really have no claim to being the “best show on television” (a dubious and too-subjective title anyway), but are nonetheless essential viewing. One particular show is fraught with inconsistencies of tone and storytelling, but might just be the most interesting program available right now. LOUIE. The show’s premise is not all that dissimilar from SEINFELD, in that it follows the stand-up comedian Louis C.K. (playing himself) as he deals with the issues of his life and applies his experiences to stand up bits that we see during the show. That’s really where the parallels end, though. Louie C.K. was a comic’s comic for years, and a number of attempts were made to translate his act into the mainstream...