FED Proposes Stimulus, 15 to 20-Year-Old Males To Make All Purchases [DAILY NEWS BRIEF]...

Washington, DC – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin FED Chairman Ben Bernanke released the details of a revolutionary stimulus plan that he hopes the Obama Administration will enact in time to take advantage of the summer months. The controversial plan would ban all citizens except for 15 to 20-year-old males from making all purchases, ranging from the trivial to the very important. “Americans are making more prudent decisions with their money, saving more and spending less. The lack of aggregate demand is stifling employment,” remarked Bernanke. “What we need is a period of reckless, impulsive spending to boost the economy. The best way to do this is turn the country’s purchasing power over to the demographic most responsible for flippant allocation.” Critics say the FED’s plan, though stupid, isn’t much worse than what its been doing. “Well, let’s see, they’ve been funneling billions of manufactured dollars into banks in the hopes it’ll free up capital to lend out,” scoffed economics blogger Olympia Hedland. “At least this plan stops propping up the same geniuses responsible for the mess. So junior blows the family’s retirement on video games and sports cars, it’s better than having it disappear in an quagmire of complex derivatives. At the end of the day, they still have a sports car.” Image Credit:...

Cut The IRS A Break, Says No One [DAILY NEWS BRIEF]

Washington, DC – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin Amidst increasing pressure from Republican leaders for over-scrutinizing conservative groups applying for tax-exempt status, no one stood up to defend the Internal Revenue Service in any way, shape or form. “Sure it looks like they engaged in partisan shenanigans but I think we owe them the benefit of the doubt,” said not a single person. “The Internal Revenue Service is a cornerstone of our democracy, let’s show some respect,” remarked bupkus echoing through an empty chamber. The deafening plea for sympathy from exactly zero Americans is appreciated by IRS executive Mandy Fatch. “We can be a little inflexible at times and I certainly understand why the citizens of this country might hold that against us,” said Fatch through an encouraged grin. “But the fact that absolutely none of them can look past that and come to our defense is, dare I say,...

Pat Robertson Says Something Totally Reasonable [Daily News Brief]

Virginia Beach, VA – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin While answering a viewer’s question Monday afternoon, Pat Robertson, the controversial televangelist and host of The 700 Club said something totally reasonable. “I’m a little surprised,” said Amanda Clix, the viewer Robertson responded to. “I figured God was punishing me for having a gay son or skipping the abortion clinic protest to see Iron Man 3, but instead Pat just reinforced a basic cause and effect I hadn’t thought of.” Not once during the broadcast did Robertson appeal to malevolent, invisible forces to explain hardship or blame a victim with old fashioned, condescending misogyny. He even went so far as to refrain from holding the Obama administration complicit by connecting the usual metaphysical dots. Though this may come as welcome news for decent, rational human beings, with tornadoes raging in the mid-west, the sigh of relief could be short lived. Image Credit: Ms....

Seething in Seattle [California Seething]

So, last week I left the comfy, drought-ridden, hazy and slightly scorched confines of my Los Angeles home for the moist, green landscape and bright clean air of Seattle and other random bits of Washington State. Now, you probably think I heart Seattle. Or looove it. Or lurve it. Lurve – is that a thing? Do the kids say “lurve”? Are the kids that dumb? I mean, I know they’re dumb cause they’re The Kids and the whole purpose of the next generation is for them to be dumber than we were so we don’t feel so bad about ourselves for getting old and not understanding their music or clothes or YouTube videos or the Instagram GET OFF MY LAWN! So, yeah. They’re dumb. But dumb enough to say “lurve”? Discuss. Anyhow, like I was saying, you probably think I have a certain fondness for Seattle. And I can’t blame you for thinking that – I mean, I am a card carrying member of Generation X (the card says “card”) and I went to college during the height of the Grunge Era in the early 90s. And Seattle during the early 90s – well, hell, that was the epicenter of cool – like San Francisco in the 60s, though instead of LSD and enlightenment, we had heroin and crippling depression and instead of the Grateful Dead and Janis Joplin, we had Alice in Chains and Soundgarden and instead of The Graduate and Harold and Maude, we had Singles and Reality Bites. Wow. The early 90s were TERRIBLE! What a fucking horrible time to come of age. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was a great time for fashion. For me, anyhow. After all, a broken clock tells the right time twice a day and an unkempt, slovenly, unshowered dude is fashionable twice a millennium (the early 90s and THE ENTIRE DARK AND MIDDLE AGES). And then there was the dancing – which, during the Grunge Era was outstanding! Jumping around, slamming into each other, screaming at the top of our lungs – hell, that’s what I do when I’m taking the bus – I was a goddamn moshing natural! What a fantastic time to come of age! And then the stupid Swing Dancing craze came along and everyone started learning dances with actual steps and caring about their appearance and showering like every motherfucking day. Thanks John Favreau! Thanks Vince Vaughn! Thanks Big Bad Voodoo Daddy! Thanks for ruining everything with your suits and hats and your hair product and your dancing that requires a modicum of coordination. I’m glad you’ve all turned in to a bunch of total washouts. I hope you had fun playing the Snoqualmie Casino, Big Bad Loser Daddy. It’s right outside Seattle (CALLBACK, BITCHEZ!)! And speaking of Seattle you still probably think I like Seattle. Well, you’re wrong. Totally wrong. So wrong, in fact, that it should call into question all the other decisions you’ve made in your life. Like going to grad school for playwriting, or buying your 5 bedroom, 4 bathroom, 3 story Dream Forever Home in Las Vegas in 2006 (Interest only ARM loan? No problem! Values are just gonna go up, up, up!), or trying that thing you saw on TV where you put a full glass of wine on the mattress and then jump up and down next to it, or getting bangs (they don’t work with your face, sorry), or using your position with the IRS to go after Tea Party organizations applying for tax exempt status – that was particularly wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME but so very wrong. But awesome. Totally awesome. I mean, I have a total bureaucrat crush on the IRS right now (shhhh, don’t tell the Bureau of Labor Statistics or the ATF. They get, like, super jealous). For me, Seattle is like Mad Men – it’s beautiful to look at,...

The World’s Worst Adult Gets All Serious and Sh*t [California Seething]...

Just because I hate all of the things that stupid young people like, you might think I make a pretty good Adult. Well first of all, let me set the record straight, I don’t actually hate all the things that stupid young people like. I mean, hello? Gangnam Style? I love that song HEYYYYY, SEXY LADY! Something something something YOJA something something OPPAN GANGNAM STYLE! I mean, come on, I’m not made of stone. Never before has one video made fake horseback riding and being Korean look SO FUCKING COOL. It’s the best dance craze ever to be inspired by Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I’m surprised that Psy doesn’t have go-go dancers in pink suits of armor banging coconuts together behind him. No, seriously- I’m REALLY surprised by that- I mean, considering everything else in the video- this is where he shows restraint?? It’s like: random, homoerotic sauna bit with fat guy and tattooed musceley guy- yup, Nation of Islam level bow-tie fixation- you got it, Psy with his pants down on the toilet rappin’ while he’s crappin’- hells yeah, girls in pink armor banging coconuts- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa- easy there- let’s not go nuts here- that’s over the DMZ if you know what I’m saying. Still- it’s impossible to hate this song. Think of all the painfully dull wedding receptions this song has saved by bringing the bride’s bitchy high school friends and groom’s snarky co-workers together into a joyous pile of sweaty kim-chi on the dance floor. Think of the thousands of Bar Mitzvah boys, for whom this song will forever evoke memories of dance parties in synagogue social halls and their first cherry flavored lip-gloss kiss with the too-tall girl in the poofy dress who was lingering in...