The crazy thing about Republicans at the RNC is that they look almost like human beings. How weird is that? I mean, sure, with their red ties, stupid hats and piggy little eyes that shine with greed and fear they look like an army of angry Stay Puft Marshmallow Men but still, they’re mostly humanoid in appearance. They have hands which clap, voices which hoot and holler, and legs which hold them up during standing ovations. But that’s where the similarity between “Republicans” and “human beings” ends because the things they are clapping, hooting and standing for are things that would make actual human beings respond with stunned silence and revulsion rather than enthusiastic cheering and applause. Things like “let’s repeal a law that provides affordable health care access to millions, and is actually based on our own ideas, which we now renounce because we’re a bunch of self-serving hypocrites” (HURRAY?) “let’s take away a woman’s right to choose even in cases of rape and incest because they must be a bunch of whores if they got raped in the first place” (YIPPIE???), “Let’s dismantle crucial social programs so that we can continue to give tax incentives to the millionaires who ruined the economy in the first place and should be rotting in jail but instead continue to get rich while regular Americans suffer!” (WHOOP-WHOOP????) Seriously, I haven’t seen this many rich looking people applauding pure evil since I last watched the ballroom scene in They Live. Obama should change his campaign slogan to: “It’s 2012, and I’m all out of bubble-gum”. I usually don’t watch the RNC for the same reason that I don’t go to Laker victory parades. Why would I want to go to a pep rally for a team I...

This Thursday we will celebrate Thanksgiving, or as the Native Americans call it “I can’t believe we gave those fuckin’ crackers turkey. What a bunch of schnooks we were.”  If you squint a little bit, you know, just enough so that you can’t really see all the truly terrible shit that happened on this continent after white people arrived (the way you have to do whenever you want to think something nice about America’s past), then Thanksgiving can be a wonderful opportunity to gather with family, watch football and eat pie. Especially pie — nothing goes with genocide like pie! Liberal guilt, colonial attrocities and the pastries of oppression aside, Thanksgiving is neat. For one thing, it’s one of the few non-Jewish holidays that actually gives you a totally gratuitious second day off – unless, of course, you work for a bank or a retail store or a total cheapskate asshole or a theatre (Uhm, yeah, sorry about that guys — Go Team! I’ll be at home if you need me—don’t call before ten.). For one thing, Thanksgiving features my absolute favorite art project- the hand turkey. Even a complete art-tard like myself, a man so artistically inept that his four year old niece only allowed him to color with the white crayon so he wouldn’t fuck up a perfectly good Barbie Princess Pony coloring book, can trace his hand, draw a beak and sign his name in scrawling, kindergarten penmanship. It’s a wonderfully creative expression of holiday joy for the developmentally disabled, the hopelessly senile and me! Thanksgiving also features my all-time favorite condiment- Canned Jellied Cranberry Sauce. There are those people out there who believe that Cranberry Sauce should be some type of “sauce” made from “cranberries”. Freaks. Thank god the rest...

The Ancient Greeks didn’t worry about whether God loved them. They didn’t wring their hands over the fact that God allowed evil to thrive in the world and didn’t struggle with the way that God permitted the righteous to suffer while the wicked prospered. That’s because, in Ancient Greece, the Gods were a bunch of dicks. Zeus was particularly nasty- he lorded over the universe like an omnipotent frat boy with lightning bolts. He was far less concerned with the meek inheriting the earth than he was in changing into a swan and fucking the meek’s wife (they had a pretty loose grip of zoology, as well.) The rest of the gods were no better- just a bunch of mean spirited, petty, vindictive, narcissistic, spiteful bastards who absolutely didn’t give a shit about humanity. It must have been wonderfully liberating in a way- like having a Republican president. After all, when Bush and co. were in power, we didn’t wring our hands and wonder WHY they were leading us into one pointless war after another for the sole benefit of their rich cronies or WHY they were making disastrously short-sighted fiscal policy decisions. We knew perfectly well why- they were dicks. They did irresponsible, self-centered, evil, destructive, selfish things because they were irresponsible, self-centered, evil, destructive selfish cocksuckers- plain and simple. All we had to do was fear them, loathe them and mock them. With the advent of Judaism, though and the election of Obama, things became more complicated. Now we have to wrestle with thorny and difficult philosophical questions like WHY does God allow bad things to happen to good people, WHY does God turn his back on his supposedly chosen people as they are persecuted and killed, WHY did Obama extend the...