(Food) Sexual Healing [Single White Nerd]

Do you remember the first time you called a 1-900 sex chat line? I do. I was 12 years old. A friend had come over for dinner and I nonchalantly asked my parents if we could call a 900 number advertised on a business card that some entrepreneurial soul had slid under our windshield wiper. “Purely,” I said, “because, I mean, it’s funny.” I was smooth like that. My folks, once again flaunting their unorthodox approach to parenting, agreed to cover the cost. My friend and I went upstairs and held the phone receiver between us. We dialed the number. We listened to the recorded menu of options and, not quite up to the challenge of actual live phone sex, opted to listen to a pre-recorded story. It consisted mostly of a woman moaning things like “You’re so much bigger than my husband!”. We pretended not to be turned on as we held our heads millimeters apart over the ear-piece. I wonder what my parents were thinking downstairs. Anyway. I was thinking about that 900-number moment the other day (I’m honestly not sure why) and I realized that now-me would probably be significantly less turned on than then-me had been. Forgetting the fact that the internet has put the 900-number industry out of business, moany noises transmitted over fiber-optic cables just don’t hold the same allure as they once did. You know what would get me in a lather, though? Food Phone Sex. Here’s how it works, you call 1-900-FOOD-SEX. The menu comes on the line, delivered in a sensual, yet classy voice: “Thank you for calling. I always knew you were a true goumand. If you’d like to make appetizers, press one. Salad course, press two. Entree, press three. If you’re feeling a...