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Tall Glass of Shame: Beauty Is On The Outside

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a blogumn by Zack Bunker

You may not want to admit this, but I know once or twice you’ve pulled on some of that flabby skin ya got there, scotch taped it back, posed in the mirror with pursed lips trying to look “sexy,” then started sobbing and shouting to the gods: “Why?!! Why?!” until you curled up into a fetal position munching on your pile of donuts. No? Doesn’t sound like you? Oh please! I heard it from your neighbors…

I however, have perfect pores and not an ounce of flab, so it is hard for me to understand your sad, low self esteem ways when you branch out and begin to look for ridiculous quick fixes and surgeries to improve your image. I know the world is preoccupied with beauty, especially with everything being photoshopped within an inch of its life these days, but do you really want to end up like this?


Anyways, In your pursuit of the perfect body you have collected some strange youtube gems regarding beauty. This week I decided we should rifle through your assorted videos you’ve been watching and have a little chat. I’m worried about your well being if these are what you are looking to for guidance in the world of beauty after the jump …

I see you were looking into getting a facelift, but thankfully you can just use this product:


And Wow, I didn’t know you can just excercise your face into beauty! No gadget needed!


Well at least you are watching something scholarly, was this on PBS?


Why is this in here? A Goat Beauty Pageant?! I don’t want to know…


Oh here’s your video of Jessica and Hunter’s Plastic Surgery Party, what a blast!

Oh and here’s that great parody of your wardrobe stylist/ guru Rachel Zoe…. I’m dying, no literally….


So after watching all of this do you feel more beautiful? I didn’t think so, so I brought a video of my own that I thought might cheer you up….