Tall Glass of Shame: Happy Thanksgiving! [Best of FaN]
EDITOR’S NOTE: Are you having fun yet? If not, get your chuckle on with Zack Bunker’s 2010 Thanksgiving round-up, before trudging back to the fam.
After trudging through security at the airport, being raped by gloved hands, listening to the lady next to you on your flight choke down her tuna sandwich while telling you about her kids, some of you may not be totally excited about a full day with the family. I can feel your pain.
As a kid I always looked forward to any holiday. Holidays meant several things in our family: fun people around, decorations, big dinners, lots of laughing, and most importantly pie. I think Thanksgiving is different for everyone. I have great memories of this holiday… I think… wait I just seem to remember the pie fondly.
Upon reflection I keep recalling this terrible scratchy wool sweater my mother made me wear for years when we had Thanksgiving Dinner. It was a steel grey color with brown zig-zags and I hated it. It felt like chicken pox all over again and I couldn’t wait to rip the damn thing from my body.
I would always sit at the main table since there were no other little kids like myself and would spend most of the meal being shushed by the adults so they could continue their boring (to me) conversations. I shifted back and forth in my chair just dying to be excused and every time they would clear the table a bit and call for coffee to be served. (Great! Another hour staring at the wall!) I just wanted the damn pie… they said there would pie! Mom even let me pick it out!
I think this is when I developed my need to dine and dash when it comes to big meals… I can’t stand sitting there staring at my plate smelling all the food that is sitting out, I just want to move to the other room and relax, not sit and gab in an uncomfortable dining chair.
As you are reading this post, most likely you have some child screaming in the background, a grumpy in-law in the kitchen who has had too much booze, whining, and a lego war wound from stepping on one after being requested to remove your nice expensive pair of shoes. Yes aunt Linda, I’m sure you laugh that hard when it happens to you.
NOW: I want you to take a deep breath. Good, didn’t that relax you a bit? (I know that kid just won’t stop screaming…) I think I have a solution. I want you to take a quick crash course I have set up for you. I want you to feel like a kid again. Remember those times when holidays were just a bit more saccharine and magical than they are now. Take this quick stroll through the following videos and maybe you’ll get a quick chuckle and remember how the holidays can be creepy and fun all at the same time. You can always pretend you don’t know your family for the whole next year till they cook the damn bird all over again. Now pull in that cool cousin you like and sit down because it’s video time!
Ever wondered what it might be like to take some downers and have Thanksgiving explained to you by a creepy lesbian in a Nebraskan tree house? Well, now you can have your dream fulfilled by watching: Tales in a Treehouse – Thanksgiving
Nothing says Thanksgiving to me more than a demented puppet…
Thanksgiving in the 50′s was apparently marked by a large pile of rotting fruit in the middle of the table… Let’s all brush up on how to behave at the table with this classic Instructional Video.
Celebrity Bric A Brac Theater presents: “The First Thanksgiving”
Looking for something demented to show grandpa before dinner and maybe give him flashbacks? Show him The Rootie Tootie Club: Thanksgiving Day Party!
And we will end this week with the sweet tones of Johnny Cash paying the bills by singing a Thanksgiving song on Dr. Quin Medicine Woman…
featured image credit: floodllama