Tall Glass of Shame: I Want to be a “Real Housewife” [Seriously] Oct14

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Tall Glass of Shame: I Want to be a “Real Housewife” [Seriously]

I want to be a “Real Housewife.” I want my biggest worries to be whether or not I will make it to my hair extension appointment and if the other girls are talking smack about my spoiled children. Life is hard in the (multi-million dollar) hood.

I want to fly around town drinking in my limo and talking about others behind their back. Who cares? I’ll be their best friend next week when they have a dinner party, only to turn on them halfway through dinner for attention. I can’t help it, I’m a “real” housewife!

Inevitably, by now everyone has heard of the Bravo channel reality franchise “Real Housewives.” Each season they add to their TV empire a new city’s grouping of dysfunctional, bored, rich, self-important women for all the world to see. They have already conquered the terrain of such great cities as New York, New Jersey, Atlanta, Washington DC and premiering this evening: Beverly Hills.

It all began with The Real Housewives of Orange County. These women showed us the ins and outs of their daily lives, giving us a glimpse into the world of the rich Southern California housewife. We saw wedding preparations, relationships go sour, lots of crying, and every single child ignore their parents and walk over them like they were door mats. At times I wonder if these women want our sympathy, or if their motivation to be on these shows is just to show us how many shoes they can buy in one episode.

These shows make me long for the stereotypes of women from the fifties if only to see something resembling maternal love. The children in these shows are spoiled and caught up in sensationalistic things like jail-time, drugs, potential theft. They are the obvious products of absent parents who never set any rules and only show their love through gifts. Don’t even get me started on how these women treat their significant others, the lapdogs around the house and in their purse get more attention.

Truly, these shows are horrible depictions of excess spending and women with far too much time on their hands, but I must say it makes for some terribly juicy television. My mother was visiting recently and she caught her first episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, needless to say she was shocked. She sat there with her mouth agape and couldn’t stop saying how horrified she was by these women. I think Kim scared her the most, running around shaking that ratty wig and smoking while jogging. In a time where people are still losing jobs and the economy is not rebounding as fast as everyone wants, the excess of these women just enraged her. Hearing someone talk about downsizing there lives to just one Range Rover almost sent her over the edge.

I choose to laugh at these sad clowns in gilded cages. My favorite series is The Real Housewives of Atlanta if only for their crazy fights. NeNe is always on somebody’s sh*tlist and can’t seem to keep her temper under control. I love a good Atlanta brawl with words flying and arms flailing, waiting for somebody to tug somebody else’s hair. I am just bored by the DC and New York housewives, they just don’t seem to know how to pull a weave and flip a table like the rest of them.

Let’s hope the plastic cat people, I mean “women” on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills can take the show up a notch, otherwise it is a hop skip and jump until we see the Real Housewives of Portland. (Or worse: Schenectady) These Beverly Hills palaces will most likely dwarf the previous shows humble homes, with multiple nannies and butlers at their disposal. I expect it to be like some sad remake of “Maid To Order” with me feeling like I should be in the Ally Sheedy role. Tune into Bravo tonight, October 14th 2010, to see what I mean.

Here’s your weekly dose of fun from youtube. This week we explore the land of the housewife! Enjoy:

Why Study Home Economics? (1955)


The Susie Homemaker series of toys!


The Real Housewives of Lancaster County


From Atlanta c/o Sheree: The “Who’s gonna check me boo?” Remix!


Trippy 60’s commercial for the Housewife that is on LSD…


From the Housewives of New Jersey, I bring you “Theresa Flips a Table!”