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Tall Glass of Shame: Run Tell Dat!


a blogumn by Zack Bunker

Hey! Excuse me! Yeah you… You over there! What are you doing? Didn’t you hear the world is coming to an end? Shouldn’t you be looting for iPhones with the rest of the herd by now? Well since you’re not into looting either, why don’t you come have a seat right here by me and let me tell you a story. Yeah, just push Suzanne Somers’ corpse aside and hunker down. Let me think, where did it all begin? Well, I think I first realized the world was coming to an end sometime around the 7th hour of the Today show. You know what i’m talking about, the part where Hoda and Kathie Lee are making Ramen Noodles and Mayonnaise with some lame cooking instructor, all while the camera men cry quietly into their sleeves praying for death. If you really think about it, we should have known that this was coming… even Hannah Montana knew when the party was over before we did, leaving that hollow shell of Miley Cyrus for us to contend with. 

Now I know what you’re saying, “Zack, the world isn’t ending… that’s just what Fox News is telling us to buy into their not even thinly veiled right-wing agenda. I mean, Prop 8 was ruled unconstitutional, there are a lot of good things that are starting to happen”

You may be right, but have you looked around lately? Messed up things are happening everywhere! People have lost their minds along with their sense of sanity, did nobody think maybe we could have killed two birds with one stone ages ago by stuffing Lindsay Lohan in that big pipe leaking oil?! People today just aren’t thinking clearly.

Here, lets take a look at a few videos I found to illustrate my point for you. Oh, by the way here’s a napkin… you got some of Suzanne Somers’ blood on your shoes.

Now first off, as we all know, every end of days starts small… This time it has started in Huntsville, Alabama! Click here to see the original video. ( Lucky for us with a little Auto Tune and a great backbeat we now have a remix fit for a king! Check out Antoine Dodson’s new hit single: The Bed Intruder Song!

That video made me want to Auto Tune everything I watched on TV after hearing it… I still can’t stop singing it around the house. It is pure evil. I hope the neighbors can’t hear me shouting, “Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause they rapin’ everybody out here!” What would they think? Maybe that’s why my bitchy next door neighbor has been throwing me the shady eye…

Now my next fear about the impending destruction of civilization is the bizarre groups of people that somehow slip through the cracks and end up in positions of power. You know who I’m talking about, the ones that seem like an inbred cousin of someone who bought their way into office…. Let us pray when we reach Armageddon that people like this have not been voted into office: Meet Basil Marceaux: Crazy man or heavily “medicated”

In Homeland Security news: We better watch out, I hear Japan is creating an army of penis hiding, fan dancing men!

Thank God This man took those Yamaha Keyboard lessons and could bring us this fear based creepy tune live from outside his bomb shelter somewhere in a square state. My favorite lyric must be: “When Babylon the whore gets fried.” Bring on the auto tuned remixes ya’ll!

Ok, so the world maybe isn’t ending as much as degrading, but it sure is fun to watch ain’t it?! Now on a lighter note, here is a documentary I have in my sights for when it hits Netflix! Winnebago Man: The Documentary. Now a hermit on a hill, this man may just be the star of the original “viral video.”