Tall Glass of Shame: Scenes from Dating Hell
a blogumn by Zack Bunker
The second worst date of my life was with a nice 24-year-old man named Tyler in Seattle Washington. (I’m going with the second worst as the WORST is a story for another time…) I was 19 and looking for love. We met in an AOL chatroom as many bored people did back in the 90s and decided we should meet up for dinner. He suggested an Indian restaurant that he liked close by, so we arranged to meet in front of it that night. When I saw him I was surprised at how handsome he was, you never know with those online pictures… He could have shown up as a 13-year-old Asian girl with a crack habit, stranger things have happened. Lucky for me, as we perused the menu he seemed like a nice, friendly, and outgoing guy. Here’s a tip daters: Beware asking about what they do for a living while eating…. When I asked what he did for a living I learned about a whole new career path that had never before crossed my mind: Crime Scene Clean-Up Technician.
Now those of you that know me have a clear understanding that I enjoy the macabre and darker side of life, but as you are biting into your rice it is not the time to learn: “The worst sound you can hear from outside a building is the maggots squirming around in there…. I’m telling you its like a squeek and munching noise, you just know there’s some sick ‘stuff’ in there waiting for you…” While smiling off my disgust ,I tried oh so hard to change the subject, more plates of green mush and various sauces landing on our table. I learned a lot that night, I learned it takes two weeks for a body to liquefy through a floor, that many pets don’t eat their owners … the thing he loved the most were suicides as most people tried not to be too much of a burden and sometimes put plastic down. And in the end, I learned that I couldn’t eat a thing ever again… especially that night!
I wanted to find it cool! I wanted to find it all fascinating, but with every new story and further list of chemicals he had in his car, I crawled into myself a little bit more, giving him ample room to fill the gaping silence. He was so caught up in his stories of gore while he shoveled Chicken Tikka Masala into his face that he barely noticed me getting up to run to the bathroom. I’ll spare you some of the more gruesome details of our dinner date, but lets just say there was not a second. I am sure he is somewhere in Seattle cleaning the blood off some old ladies Hummel collection and his ears are burning…. he probably just thinks its the industrial chemicals splashing on his skin. I’m just glad I am not on the dating market now and have a great guy who doesn’t tell me gory details about cleaning up death while we eat, instead we swap the gory details of our days in an equally gruesome industry…. Entertainment!
This week I’ve compiled some fun vids for your viewing pleasure in regards to dating hell and humor…. take a peek, I found some scary stuff! First off: You must hear this catchy little remix of some amazingly bad 80′s Dating Videos turned into one fun danceable tune!
Check out this great short film… there’s always a good “My Worst Date” story.
I still hurt my voice when trying to impersonate this video…. especially since I quit smoking!
Disenchanted ladies? Time to boost your morale with a new installment of “Target Women!”
Extra Credit for the week: Let’s all groove with the Techno Chicken!