The Single Girl’s Dilemma [Frankie Says...] Nov03

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The Single Girl’s Dilemma [Frankie Says...]

Frankie asks…

Is it easier to be single than to be in a difficult relationship?

I know on the surface that question looks relatively easy to answer. You’re mouth may even be half open with a quick answer and witty reasoning. However, you’ll be stumped. Really. Ask yourself, or better yet, ask someone else, and they’ll most likely answer quickly, then their voice will trail off and they’ll rethink their answer, second-guess their motives and reasons for answering that way.

And then, of course, if you’ve been single for a long time, you’re going to answer the latter. And if you’ve been in a relationship, maybe a rocky one, you’re going to answer the former.

Like I’ve mentioned before in my blogs, I’ve been single for over four years now. That is, up until two months ago. I have been hesitant to write anything about it yet (not that the guy knows I even blog or that I blog on here – so I should be safe from any repercussions), but I’ve been hesitant because I felt like I’d just gotten my groove as the ultimate single girl – confident, comfortable, even a bit chipper about it. And my blog was sort of in my head dedicated to that new me.

But as luck (or fate or destiny or timing or whatever you want to call it) has it, I met someone.

And without going into great detail, because honestly not all of it even adds up for me, we had a really fun beginning to our relationship – all 10 days of it. And after 10 days, the shit hit the fan. He went through some very tough personal conflicts and amongst them was losing his car, his job, a bunch of money (all of his money, actually, because he never saved any – a lesson for all you 20-something guys out there…), and his apartment.

Yes. Seriously.

But he had me. And I was still in honeymoon mode and thinking that we could handle anything that was thrown our way. So naturally, I let him move in with me, temporarily.

And a few weeks turned into a couple months, which turned me into mega bitch, nit-picking, nagger. I was feeling awful about everything. I wanted him to get back on his feet, but I just couldn’t have him trying to do it in my shoebox apartment. I wanted to be generous and let him use my toothpaste and not worry that he couldn’t buy any when it ran out. I wanted to be there for him, emotionally, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how it was Friday night and we couldn’t go to the movies or dinner because we had no funds to do so.

So I broke up with him.

It’s been one week as of yesterday and I must say I feel less burdened, of course. But I also feel lonely. I didn’t just give up a stressful relationship, I gave up my cuddler, the guy that called me beautiful every morning even when I looked horrible, the guy that I would catch staring at me because he said he couldn’t help it, the goofball I could laugh at and laugh with.

So I keep asking myself – am I better off single? And does single mean alone? I mean I know it does technically. But does it have to feel like that always? I think it’s a matter of mind over matter, or matter over mind, rather. If I don’t feel it, I won’t think I feel it. And if I don’t think it, I won’t feel it. Capisce? I’m going with that for now…

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featured image credit: Man-san