This Is A Glue The Sh*t Out Of It Moment! [Runway Rundown]

Upon re-watching last week’s episode I would like to add a slap of the hand to one Michael Kors… Mr. Kors Take off your shades please! You are judging a competition based on truly seeing the garments and unless you are rocking a fan and are Karl F’in Lagerfeld, I don’t want to see those sunglasses on while you grade the creations going down the runway. Thank you all for letting me get that off my chest, and now we can start talking about this week’s episode with a clear and easy mind.

As always: There are spoilers ahead, go watch the show and read last week’s rundown blah before you catch this week’s blah. Blahdy blahdy blahdy SPOILER ALERT!

In every season the one episode that scares the contestants to their core is facing the dreaded “unconventional materials challenge.” After last week’s assignment to show us your signature style, this week the contestants were thrown to the wolves, er children, by being forced to use the items from Dylan’s Candy Bar in NYC. While we have seen the candy store moment before, the Hershey’s store wasn’t nearly as forgiving when it came to types of candy provided, this could get really interesting!

Side bar#1: Who the F knew that the owner, Ms. Dylan Lauren, was the daughter of famous designer Ralph Lauren?! That poor girl must be so sick of playing polo, running in grass while wearing bright solids and lounging around in khakis with ruggedly handsome asexual models…

Sidebar #2: Hey you in the second row… yeah you Elena, is that a burka hoodie you are wearing? Oy vey, girl you look like you are wearing some racist Halloween costume bought at half price from K-Mart. I know we are all trying to out-do each other in proving our individuality here, but this is just a big ol’ mess honey.

Back to the challenge: Like all other unconventional materials challenges, the next 5 minutes was basically half of them bitching, and the other half being overly confident while choosing things that would never work for a garment. Gunnar of course had to exclaim “I knew it!” and inform us of his dream premonition about this assignment. Gunnar sweetie, I hate to break it to you, not only has the candy challenge been done before, but everyone knows you get to do at least one of these non-fabric challenges each season and it typically falls within the first three episodes. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt Gunnar, instead of correcting you, I will now call you Miss Cleo for the next 10 minutes.

After launching into shopping, hoards of hands were grabbing at every last licorice rope and there were the typical sad moments with the less talented contestants snatching up anything that is fabric based from umbrellas to pillows. Get creative people… Fabric = bad, candy = good. If assigned this type of project I would probably be shaking in my boots, too, but sometimes that fear is where your best creativity lies. This is why I love and hate this challenge, you end up with some amazing unexpected pieces and the rest is just trash glued onto some muslin.

This episode showed that the catty factor is already rising amongst the group. We have the fighting bitch twins: “Miss Cleo” and Christopher “Nice Twin, but still a bit bitchy” Palu. Watch them duel for the role of Alpha Gay, only to lose to Michael Kors who will smother them with sensible fabric and self tanner. We also have Ven who’s head is swelling so much with each episode that if he stays on much longer we will only be able to see his big monotone unblinking face in the frame… We get it Ven, you know you are a good designer and we know you are a good designer, but try and eat some humble pie and stop making things with a big rosette pattern in the middle and then we’ll talk.

Whisper bitches were all over the workroom this week. How on earth can these people be talking so much shit so loudly only 10 feet away from one another without some serious fights breaking out? Other highlights included Kooan saying weird things underscored by looney town music, Tim telling Andrea that she is throwing away the challenge with her underwhelming sugar dots apron dress, Elena tried to commit suicide by hot gluing herself in her hoochie shorts, and “Miss Cleo” was laughing like an angry Gremlin the whole time while people tried not to beat him to death with the nearest blunt object.

Sidebar #3: Is it just me or does Dmitry look like an angry drug addicted Johnny Weir? Some of his clothes already look like he should be skating around the ice, so I say let’s strap a pair of skates on him and see if he can do a triple flip! Also, can I just ask… Why is Heidi wearing her snakeskin print pajamas to work?!

Let’s get back to the runway! In third place this week we have “Miss Cleo’s” cute black and white check pattern separates with a black foil ruffle in the middle. (Amazingly enough I liked it, even if he grates on my nerves.) While I think he needed to address the back part of the ruffle better as it was really flat and distracting, the whole ensemble really came together well and was a cute print on his model.

In second place we have Sonjia with her aquatic blue dress with white bubbled shiny accents and adorable gummy shark collar. The whole thing was playful in a great way, bordering on costume, but it worked! Her smartest decision was picking a color palette and sticking with it while searching through all the candy. She chose interesting pieces and her execution of gluing them on her garment was flawless.

Our winner: Ven! There you go, Ven. Now you can stop bitching about coming in second last week… What’s that? Oh you’re still pissed? Jesus, mister, get over it… Your stuff was nice but Christopher clinched it. You just won, quit your bitching. Ven’s garment was smart, he played with the materials in just the right way. He stuck to his inspiration of “Stained Glass” using licorice rope to define the pattern and crushed hard candies to create the colored panels by gluing it on to the muslin. While it was a tad stiff, I adored this look and all these unusual material challenge outfits end up a little stiff. Ven needs to branch out from his flower pattern; methinks it is a look he does over and over gain because he is good at it. I don’t know about you all, but I think there is only so much he can do with that look that women will buy. Ladies, you all don’t need 70 dresses with the same damn flower plopped on your stomach do you?

Robbed this week: Melissa with her stunning “leather” ensemble made of licorice.

Lucky dogs this week: Andrea skirted under the radar amazingly enough with her hideous sugar dot apron/ caterpillar sleeping bag ass explosion [pictured]. Also the judges seemed to miss seeing the asymmetrically sliced, green bleeding watermelon jumper with white bikini top that Alicia sent down the runway. I had to pause it to decide if I loved it or hated it… If we were playing the game of Love Vs. Hate with no grey area I would have to go with Hated It! (PS Christopher, you basically just remade your little black dress from last week out of candy and aded some purple to it… I’d start to change it up a bit man. Like Ven, you seem to like one pattern a little too much! No more V cut bodices for you!)

Now let’s talk about our losers, er our bottom 3 contestants. First one saved from the chopping block was amazingly enough Elena who paraded down the runway a boxy joyless mess of white twizzlers, all glued badly onto what looked like football pads. Girl it was shedding, your model even looked pissed having to walk in it and you took all the fun out of candy! Remember what I said when I mentioned you needed to branch out from black structured pieces and show us other sides to your talent? Yeah do that, off white is just another type of black really… I have to agree with MK on this one, you showed us “Rigatoni Mad Max.” Your outfit makes me hungry and wish that it was Tina Turner rocking this dishwasher box of glued pasta. Maybe then I could forgive it… no i’m kidding myself, it’s just ugly.

Sliding through by the skin of her teeth this week was Buffi. I love this girl, she has talent, is kooky in all the right ways, and is probably the only positive spirit amongst the group besides Kooan. The issue this week: her approach of more is more nearly cost her the competition. She doesn’t know how to edit. While her outfit was ambitious she got lost in the process of making a woven sour strap candy bodice and didn’t pay enough attention to making a skirt that looked up to snuff with what is expected on this show. You are adorable Buffi, almost like what I wish Betsey Johnson was. (Instead Betsey Johnson is like a rabid flying squirrel that likes to glue ugly 80′s tutus together and call it fashion.) You have style and a good sense of what works, but you need to up your game if you want to stay. I hope you can get better FAST in the ways you are failing: accessorizing, make-up and hair, and knowing when to stop. If you can edit yourself, not change who you are a designer, you might just clinch this. Remember what the orange oompah loompa said: there is a difference between fun and insane. (Betsey Johnson being the latter.)

Leaving us this week, thank god, is Lantie. Her rainbow bright umbrella dress with almost zero candy was what did her in. Just like last week she waffled too long and decided to just throw any old thing out there and then bitch about it not being something that speaks to her aesthetic… whose fault is that sweetie? With these challenges, it always comes down to who used the least of the required materials. If you don’t follow directions, you go home. I will be sad to see her go though, mainly because I finally realized who she reminds me of: an old leathery version of Parker Posey crossed with Carole King.

Next week: Team Challenge! The kids are paired up to serve their toughest clients yet… former contestants. *gag just saw Kenley. Tune in next week everybody! Fierce and Nerdy will be on hiatus for two weeks and will be bringing you the “best of” from the last year! Read up, catch up, and I’ll be back with a full recap when we return!

As a special bonus for you all this week, I bring you a shameless plug for the fabulous new video from my friends over at Accidental Airplay! This may just become your new summer jam! I’m heading to the Kiddie Pool, ya’ll. Peace out!