Tickets For Mark Sanford’s Election Party / Appalachian Trail Orgy On Sale Today [Daily News Brief]

Columbia, SC – Thursday
By Joshua Mauldin

Tickets to attend re-elected South Carolina Republican Mark Sanford’s combination election soiree/Appalachian sex extravaganza went on sale this morning. Normally an event like this is open only to campaign staff and financial contributors but given Wednesday’s confirmation that Sanford’s exploits have no political consequences, he wanted to invite the public. Invitations that read, “Come get literally fucked by me before you’re figuratively fucked by me” were distributed to all voters responsible for Sanford’s victory over Democratic challenger Elizabeth Colbert Busch.

“We’re holding the shindig at an Appalachian hideaway as a tongue-in-cheek wink to the whole, you know, that thing,” said Jon Kohan, Sanford’s campaign manager. The party, sponsored by Viagara and the Koch Brothers, begins with a seafood buffet at 8pm, a prayer of gratitude by Pastor David Helms at 10pm and a Mistress-For-Five-Minutes Fuck Train for Budget Cuts at 10:30pm. Please be advised that any homosexual activity, whether intentional or accidental, are grounds for immediate expulsion.

Image Credit: nytimes.com