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U.N. to Syria: “Seriously, What’s Wrong With Bullets?” [Daily News Brief]

New York, NY – Tuesday
By Joshua Mauldin

A United Nations official pleaded with both sides of the Syrian conflict this morning, warning them to stick exclusively to conventional means of spreading death. “You know the deal guys, killing each other with bullets, knives and explosives is fine but chemical nerve agents? Ugh, that means we have to get involved.”

When asked by a reporter what the difference between bleeding to death slowly from a gunshot wound and dying from poisonous neurotoxins is, the official responded, “One means we have to do something about it, and the other means we don’t.”

The U.N. adopted its anti-chemical/biological/nuclear weapons policy as a way to posture authoritative disapproval while still allowing people to massacre each other. However, both the Assad regime and the Syrian rebels are making it hard to maintain that posture.

“By dividing conventional weapons from weapons of mass destruction we’ve blurred the distinction between impotent finger wagging and serious peacemaking. If this conflict escalates as we fear, that distinction is in danger of being defined. The global community wants to avoid that at all costs.”

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