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“We Own This Country” – A Glimpse into Hell at the RNC [California Seething]

The crazy thing about Republicans at the RNC is that they look almost like human beings. How weird is that? I mean, sure, with their red ties, stupid hats and piggy little eyes that shine with greed and fear they look like an army of angry Stay Puft Marshmallow Men but still, they’re mostly humanoid in appearance.

They have hands which clap, voices which hoot and holler, and legs which hold them up during standing ovations. But that’s where the similarity between “Republicans” and “human beings” ends because the things they are clapping, hooting and standing for are things that would make actual human beings respond with stunned silence and revulsion rather than enthusiastic cheering and applause.

Things like “let’s repeal a law that provides affordable health care access to millions, and is actually based on our own ideas, which we now renounce because we’re a bunch of self-serving hypocrites” (HURRAY?) “let’s take away a woman’s right to choose even in cases of rape and incest because they must be a bunch of whores if they got raped in the first place” (YIPPIE???), “Let’s dismantle crucial social programs so that we can continue to give tax incentives to the millionaires who ruined the economy in the first place and should be rotting in jail but instead continue to get rich while regular Americans suffer!” (WHOOP-WHOOP????) Seriously, I haven’t seen this many rich looking people applauding pure evil since I last watched the ballroom scene in They Live. Obama should change his campaign slogan to: “It’s 2012, and I’m all out of bubble-gum”.

I usually don’t watch the RNC for the same reason that I don’t go to Laker victory parades. Why would I want to go to a pep rally for a team I hate unless I’m there to steal dance moves like Big Red? (Bring it On references- Outdated or Retro? Discuss. Also, please debate the merits of the lyric “like Melissa Joan Hart / Romney Drives Me Crazy” from my new rap album “10 Things I Hate About You, AMERIKKKA!”) Actually, Big Red would have made a great Republican candidate – she finds a bunch of poor people that have built something amazing through hard work and ingenuity and then robs them blind for the benefit of her rich, white cronies and unapologetically justifies her misdeeds in the name of success and victory. In the director’s cut Big Red just buys East Compton High and pays herself a $10 million dollar a year “Cheerleading Coach” fee. Her first act as coach – discontinue the cheerleading program to save money. I mean, the school has to pay back that enormous loan she took out to buy it somehow – now that’s fiscally responsible leadership! Give that girl a billion dollar bonus (tax free, of course- it’s investment income.) Also, in the director’s cut, Torrance’s boyfriend has AIDS, but that’s a totally different post.

I first (and last) watched the RNC in 1992, five elections and one intern ago (the “intern” is a unit of measure referring to the life-span of a lazy, entitled millennial brat who won’t FUCKING FILE because she says it’s not “meaningful work” and she hasn’t yet learned that in the real world “meaningful work” is typically an oxymoron and to go get me my fucking coffee.)

As with most seminal memories from this period of my life, this one took place in the living room of somebody’s parents’ house while they were out of town and involved lots of alcohol (NOTE TO 19 YEAR OLDS: Want to buy alcohol? Grow a full beard. Nothing says “there’s a mature adult who can be trusted to purchase spirits and consume them responsibly” like a dude who’s too lazy to shave. It’s like when I walked up to the cash register at a liquor store, my beard would extend out from my face like Confidence in a Cars.com commercial and it would sing, “Hey, there Mr. Liquor Store Owner you know I’m 21 cause I’ve got a beard like Lincoln / So sell me that bottle of cheap gin/ and for the ladies, a big box of white zin/ the good stuff - the Almaden” I don’t know if this beard thing works for girls, too, so you may want to try it if you have a sorority pledge with a serious hormone problem like a young Bea Arthur. Ooooh, sorry about that. I hope it didn’t seem insensitive. I know there’s nothing funny about a serious hormone problem or Bea Arthur. )

Anyhow, my left-wing, delinquent, alcoholic friends and I gathered together to watch the 1992 RNC and we dealt with it exactly the way that we dealt with all truly terrible television shows of the early 1990’s – by playing the Republican National Convention Drinking Game. Each of us were assigned an odious Republican buzzword (I got “Dessert Storm”) and we had to take a shot every time it was mentioned – plus we all had to drink for “abortion.”

This was an excellent game – better than Melrose Place (do a shot when someone gets thrown in the pool or Heather Locklear wears a red super-short skirt-suit with huge shoulder pads. Extra shot if Heather Locklear is thrown in the pool wearing a red super-short skirt-suit with huge shoulder pads), better than 90210 (do a shot every time someone says or does something incredibly cheesy, bitchy or judgmental. No game lasted more than 35 minutes) and better than Party of Five (do a shot every time someone wants to be closer to free. Evidently this is something that everybody wants, though only some kids are lucky enough to have both their parents die in a terrible car accident.)

Unfortunately, the ’92 RNC was more evil than anything Aaron Spelling could have possibly dreamt up – think Seventh Heaven values with Shannen Doherty bitchiness and Dynasty clothes, and our giddy ironic buzz soon gave way to nauseating dread as Pat Buchanan, George Bush and Dan Quayle spelled (and misspelled) out their terrifying vision for America.

Our only consolation was that, surely, this was as bad as the Republicans could get – I mean, how could they possibly be stupider, smarmier and scarier than Quayle, Bush and Buchanan? Unfortunately, that was before I learned the First Terrible Truth of the Republican Party:

Republicans Get Worse With Every Election Cycle

Look, I get it, Abe Lincoln’s a tough act to follow – I mean, come on, not only does he have that amazing beard that makes him look all mature and responsible – dude freed the slaves, saved the Union and killed vampires – that’s bad-ass! (I know, right – I made a pop-culture reference that’s less than ten years old – That hasn’t happened since Buffy killed Angel!). That’s why I’m glad that the Democrats set the bar low by starting off with Andrew Jackson. I mean, as long as you don’t send the Choctaw tribe to their death on the Trail of Tears, you’re light years ahead of that guy.

Still, Republicans – just because you can’t be better than Lincoln doesn’t mean you have to be worse than Nixon. Actually, what am I saying? I’d fucking kill for Nixon right about now. Sure he bombed Cambodia and ordered a burglary but at least he paid his taxes and never strapped Checkers to the roof of the car before taking the family on vacation – even though Kissinger advised him to. (Kissinger was recently voted Worst Jew Ever by See, Bernie Madoff Ain’t So Bad Magazine [article written by David Berkowitz].)

Like reality shows, the ability of Republicans to keep getting worse is simply astounding – just when you can no longer Keep Up With the Bushes… Here Comes Romney Boo Boo (the RNC is the ultimate in Redneck Porn.)  Like Police Academy sequels, the only goal of Republican leaders is to make their predecessors look good so that we remember them fondly, like a man with Ebola reminiscing about his lung cancer. Here’s a quick rundown of my experiences with the last few prize pigs that the GOP brought to the fair:

Ronald Reagan: Wow, this guy’s the devil. Great Communicator – more like Bullshitter in Chief. He throws mental patients out on the street in the name of fiscal responsibility and then cuts taxes for his cronies and racks up trillions in debt on obscene military spending – and somehow it’s all supposed to magically work out through the miracle of “Reaganomics”. I swear, he’s the worst Republican ever.

George Bush: Holy crap – THIS guy’s the devil. At least Reagan knew how to talk to people, this wormy little cocksucker doesn’t make any sense half the time – then again, it doesn’t really matter what he says because he’s totally full of shit. Plus he takes us to war with Iraq so we can liberate Kuwait, while all his Kuwaiti oil buddies are kicking it at Euro Disneyland and waiting for us to finish fighting their war for them. Then he totally gets all the Kurds riled up to rise up against Sadaam and then ditches them to be slaughtered. I guess they should have read his lips. The worst war Reagan ever got us into was Grenada (aah, Grenada, good times) I swear, Bush is totally the worst Republican ever.

George W. Bush: OH MY GOD – THIS GUY ABSOLUTELY IS THE DEVIL. How can one person fuck up a country so badly? He blows the surplus, cuts taxes for millionaires, deregulates everything he can get his hands on and goes to war with Iraq to work out his daddy issues. I mean at least his dad was smart enough to get the hell out of Iraq before it became our problem – this moron actually wants to “finish the job”. Now we’re never gonna get the hell out of there! I swear, he is absolutely without a doubt the WORST Republican ever.

Mitt Romney: OK, for reals you guys, Mitt Romney = THE FUCKING DEVIL. At least “W” was a Compassionate Conservative (aah, Compassion, good times) Romney is an I-Don’t-Give-a-Shit-as-Long-as-I’m-Getting-Paid Conservative and if he’s elected – we’re all as fucked as a family business when Bain Capital sinks their fangs into them (now that’s legitimate rape!) I can say with no fear of contradiction that this soulless, money-grubbing, self-serving destroyer of American industry is uncontrovertibly THE worst Republican there is, was or will be (except for Paul Ryan. Crap! How do they do it? )

What other terrible truths did I learn from the RNC? Well:

Republicans Love Diversity

No, really! There is a common misperception that there is no diversity within the Republican party, but that’s simply not true. Why, there were all sorts of people represented at the RNC: crooks, liars, hypocrites, thieves, homophobes, xenophobes, misogynists, racists, religious fanatics, free market zealots, war mongers, paranoids, birthers, rape apologists, gun nuts, Texans, advocates of environmental irresponsibility and shameless exploiters of the poor and middle class. All the evil colors of the shitty right-wing rainbow.

The one group of Republicans not represented were all the hard working poor and middle class folks who make up the backbone of the Republican party or, as they are more commonly known, “suckers.” After all, the great genius of the Republican Party is that they can make poor people vote against their own self-interest because they hope to someday be at a different station in life, which is why I plan to vote for the “Let’s Beat Up Eric and Shit in his Luggage Party” this year because I hope to someday no longer be Eric.

I am most mystified by Republican women since aside from Jan Brewer, most do not plan to be men. I can only assume that Republican women don’t feel they can be trusted with their vagina, and frankly, who can blame them? That thing is more dangerous than an assault rifle. No wonder it’s so highly regulated! How many more times must we see women armed with a vagina and fully loaded ovaries saunter into a crowded movie theatre and go on a spree of making responsible health care choices. The carnage must stop!

Actually, I’m surprised that more Republicans don’t support abortion as a proactive welfare solution. At least it’s comforting to know that they believe that all people regardless of race, class and gender deserve equal protection under the law until they are born and then fuck ‘em.

Despite Everything they Say, Do, Believe and Espouse- Republicans Claim to be Christians

Look, I’m no expert (or Christian) – but I have read the Old and New Testaments, and there’s a whole lot of stuff in there about being nice to poor people. I mean, sure, I haven’t read the Book of Mormon, so it’s possible that’s the one where Jesus says, “Just kidding y’all, fuck the poor. Sure the meek will inherit the earth but the joke’s on them when they see what we’ve done to the place. Ha! Who’s with me? High five, Pontius! Oh, sorry, you just washed your hands.”

I mean that would  makes sense since Republicans love Jesus but they don’t love hippie-dippie-lovey-dovey-turn-the-other-cheek rich-people-can’t-go to heaven-be-nice-to-everybody Jesus. So Mormon Jesus must be Republican Jesus. He’s like Chuck Norris with Margaret Thatcher as the Virgin Mother and a super-powerful dad who got him hooked up in the family business.Sure, Republican Jesus was born in a stable, but only because his mom had a horse in a dressage event that day and when the three wise men showed up, he threw out the black guy because he didn’t have a birth certificate.

He gives lepers Medicare vouchers so they can buy their own cure; loves his white, straight neighbor as himself; and turns the other cheek, but only when he needs to reload. Sure, he took five loaves of bread and two fishes and made enough food for 5,000 men but he stashed all the food in the Cayman Islands and then lectured the 5,000 about self-reliance. Naturally, they all voted for him, because when they get to be Messiah they don’t want anyone telling them how to share their fishes. Then they all starved to death. Fucking Bible-era Republican morons.

The real trouble with the Republican God fixation is that they have ruined religion for the rest of us. I mean, I used to love talking to people about their religious beliefs, but now every time I hear someone thanking God, or saying they’re “blessed”, I want to run away screaming and vomit. OK  - that’s not totally true – it’s whenever I hear WHITE people talking about thanking God or being “blessed” that I want to run away screaming and vomit. Sorry white people, but talking about God is like dancing at weddings and wearing purple suits – it just doesn’t look good on you. Blame the Republicans for that. (Not sure who you should blame for the dancing thing – maybe your Norwegian ancestors. You ever seen how they dance in Norway? No? Cause they don’t fucking do it. They’re much too busy getting drunk and killing each other, at least, according to Jo Nesbo they are. What the hell would I know? My people dance the Hora at weddings and we look great! )

They Own This Country

So because the Republicans are a bunch of evil, hateful, greedy pieces of shit I had no intention of watching them cheer for Paul Ryan’s lies (Like he even knows a single Zeppelin song except “Stairway to Heaven”. Puh-leeze. His playlist starts with Abba and ends with Zamphir. And the closest he ever came to participating in a marathon was watching 12 straight hours of Twilight Zone on New Year’s Eve because no one invited him to a party. I mean, can you blame them? He brings a case of Sam Adams to the party and then writes “Property of Rep. Paul Ryan DO NOT TOUCH!!!!!” all over it with a Sharpie before he puts it in the fridge – trust me, you do not want to mess with that. Nobody needs a repeat of last year’s “no seriously you guys – WHO ATE MY GODDAMN LEAN CUISINE MEAL?” filibuster that shut down the House for three days last fall. Then he spends hours talking about how much the ball-drop is costing tax-payers and how he would put the “Rockin’” back in “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve”.)

When I heard about Clint Eastwood’s Dadaist performance art piece, though, the siren song of YouTube beckoned and I had to check it out.  And, I have to admit, it was pretty entertaining in a kind of Talent Show Night at the dementia ward of the Actor’s Fund Retirement Home kind of way. It was even more fun to watch Romney’s team scatter like roaches when the media lights came on to deny any accountability or prior knowledge of the speech (the only time the GOP believes in public transportation is when they’re throwing someone under the bus.)

But there was one moment of crystalline truth in the chaotic grey nonsense of the speech where the mask of humanity slipped away from the assembled masses at the RNC, revealing the alien face of pure evil. It was when Eastwood said “we own this country” and the crowd went wild. And we know damn well that he didn’t mean “we, the American public” he meant “we, the puffy, over-privileged, entitled white Americans of the Republican Party. We, the users, the takers, the killers of the American dream. We, who made it to the penthouse suite and then cut the cable on the elevator without giving a shit who was on it. WE OWN THIS MOTHERFUCKING COUNTRY and God help you if you’re not on our side (not our God, though, because he fucking hates you.) And the worst part is, they’re right. The corporate plutocrats and bloated oligarchs own this country and that’s why we need to smack them in the back of the head with the frying pan of stringent regulation and fair taxation and take it the hell back.

So, clearly there was much to be learned by watching the RNC. Who said the Republicans don’t support educational television? Watching the DNC last week, though, provided a nice counter-balance and brought me back from the edge of madness (yes- this is “back”.) Mostly, it was just great to see real human beings cheering for things that actually make sense spoken by people who aren’t evil at all and Bill Clinton, who’s just so damn smart and loveable that it doesn’t matter if he’s a teensy bit evil.

While watching the DNC, I was reminded that all the bitching and moaning in the world won’t make a damn bit of difference if I don’t do something- and the very least I can do (aside from give Obama money) is get off my ass and vote.

And, at the end of the day, no matter what you believe, you, too, should get out and vote on November 6th so that your voice will be heard. Unless you plan to vote Republican in which case you should just shut the fuck up and shoot yourself. (I mean, shooting yourself in the leg is fine, just as long as you can’t get to the polls. See, I’m a moderate.) You should have no problem getting a gun. Just ask Gabby Giffords about that. I’m sure she’d be happy to discuss it when she’s done MAKING ME CRY LIKE A LITTLE BABY GIRL. Wow. You know what, Gabby  - if you can still get out there and pledge allegiance to the flag of this horrible fucking mess than the least we can all do is vote for the guys who are actually trying to clean it up, no matter how hard that is. God bless America (the nice God, though, not Republican Jesus.)

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