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Wherein I Give You A Wedgie [Hyperbolic Tendencies]

Anyone else had enough of the relentlessly unending stream of “social issues” being shoved down our throats? With the 24/7/365 election cycle there’s just no rest for the weary.

As you recall, this approach to politicking can be traced back to 1994 and Newt Gingrich’s “Contract With America” (or as it should be called Contract ON America) that led Republicans to a sweeping mid-term victory during President Clinton’s first term. Fast-forward almost twenty years and our political discourse has virtually no substance, certainly not enough to produce substantial action. Instead, we’ve become obsessed almost solely with “social issues,” those wildly personal characteristics and decisions that, frankly, ought not to matter to one another. In truth, the Right displays more of a mental disorder about this (having spawned the Teabaggers), but those on the far left certainly aren’t innocent.

It is exhausting.

Rather than rail against this – which is as effective as using a teaspoon to remove floodwaters of say, Hurricane Katrina – instead, I think we should, in a manner of speaking, lay back and think of England.

I propose a third political party with a platform made up of only meaningless social issues and whose singular purpose is to create divisiveness and intolerance. By having this party exist, those so compelled can have a legitimate and codified outlet for their ignorance, hate and foolishness.

Meanwhile, the Dems and Reps can stop pretending most of this shit actually matters, escape from their self-erected loony bin and get back to the business of doing good stuff like fixing infrastructure, creating jobs, and returning America to a country that made shit instead of acting like the massive glutton of rapacious consumption we’ve become.

This new party shall be called The Wedgies. And here is their proposed platform for the 2012 election.

We, the Wedgies, do hereby declare war on all of the following; we shall pursue each with the greatest vim and vigor to the ends of the earth and the end of our days, through comprehensive legislation to minimize and ostracize these people who, based on our beliefs, have wildly unimportant beliefs or characters traits but are nevertheless ruining these United States of America:

  • Anyone with a tramp stamp. It’s impossible to not look like a whore with one of these and their IQ always dips below that of a Lepidoptera.
  • Redheads. For centuries these people have been proven to be evil. Let’s just make it official.
  • Left-handed people. Stop trying to cultivate an aura of mystique to make up for your freakishness. Join the circus already.
  • Anyone who wears clothing with writing or images on the ass. This looks absolutely moronic, even if you’re J-Lo. At the very least, get the company to pay you for advertising space.
  • Hunters. Go to the fucking grocery store. Or release your own kids into the forest and track them. Two birds with one stone.
  • Those who insist on using cell phones while driving, in restaurants, or while drunk. Basically, you’re just an asshole. The penalty for this should be the loss of an arm and being forced to use two cans connected by a string to communicate for the rest of your life. Besides, no one wants to talk with you.
  • Athiests. We’re embarrassed for you because you can’t seem to have faith in anything bigger than your own simple ideas. And stop talking about science like it’s religion. That’s just stupid.
  • Organic farmers. We know you’re out in your fields at night drowning those plants with Round Up. Stop pretending otherwise.
  • The poor. You don’t pay taxes! What’s to bitch about!?
  • The super-rich. You don’t pay taxes! What’s to bitch about!?
  • People who believe they’re hip and clever by peppering their sentences with unnecessary “likes,” “ums,” “rights” and then do that gratingly annoying thing where they make all of the sentences sound like questions. You are less useful than colon polyps and should be eliminated.
  • NASCAR. Not only is this a colossal waste of resources and awful for the environment, car racing is the dumbest sport ever created, ranking below even competitive hopscotch.
  • Nuns. For the fashion choices. It’s 2012 for the love of pete. Go to TJ Maxx. Or Goodwill.
  • “Right to Lifers” who endorse the death penalty. Generally these are the same boobs who rail against abortion and then kill doctors who perform them. There’s a major gap between their medulla oblongata and cerebellum and thus should be ignored.
  • Small businesses. You will never win the battle with Economies of Scale, so stop cluttering up our lives, government, and legislation with your incessant whining and demands for special treatment.
  • Gated community dwellers. Your perspective is totally warped and generally, you’re a bore. Get out of your McMansion and mingle a little. The rest of the world doesn’t have cooties.
  • People who complain about receiving texted photos of someone else’s genitals. We all LOVE seeing these. Especially if it’s from a celebrity. So, just enjoy it and then Tweet it to the world. Or at least blackmail the sender for some coin – cha-ching!

Developing or displaying grace a bit too daunting to tackle today? Instead, read a copy of Hell House: The Awakening. It’s guaranteed escapism as its finest! That’s not enough fodder for procrastination? Then follow me and my hyperbolic tendencies on Twitter @rbripley.

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featured image credit: LostBob