Wonderfully Awful: Love Thy Neighbor, Part 2

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a blogumn by Robin Rosenzweig

And now, another terribly true tale of apartment living…

When I checked my mailbox last Friday, I found a curious letter. The envelope indicated it was from my apartment management and it was addressed simply to “resident.” My mind wandered to try to determine what this letter could be about. When I first moved in, I was told that they may someday convert the building to condominiums, so my first thought was that they finally decided to go ahead and do it and this letter was my notification. But when I opened and read the letter, it quickly became clear that this was not from apartment management, or even sent with their consent.

I found a letter that intended to serve as a warning to my apartment building’s residents. There seems to be a gentleman who lives in the building who is apparently some sort of drug dealer. After reading the note, I’m guessing it was written by a concerned citizen or, possibly more realistically, a bitter ex. Regardless, I’m not sure this will get the result that the author intended.  Let’s take a look (address and phone number deleted to protect alleged drug dealer).

It begins:

ATTENTION FAMILIES!

!BEWARE DRUG DEALER!

KURT IN APARTMENT ___ SELLS
DRUGS! DRUGS! DRUGS! DRUGS!

So in case we missed it, we’ve got ourselves a drug dealer in the building who sells drugs. Lots of ‘em. Drugs! Drugs! Drugs! Drugs! Drugsy drugs drugs.

The letter goes on to list his name, address and cell phone number. However, instead of giving his first and last name, his is listed as “Kurt The Drug Dealer.” It makes me wonder if he had his last name legally changed to The Drug Dealer, which I imagine would actually make sense considering his profession. I’m imagining a Bond-esque character introducing himself as “The Drug Dealer…Kurt, The Drug Dealer” before taking off in his meth-fueled Aston Martin.

The letter continues to say:

Call the local Police and let them know that as an American, you will not stand for that in your dwelling or country!

That’s fair. But wait…what about the Greater Los Angeles County? Is that ok?

The letter goes on to list phone numbers for narcotics and drug abuse hotlines as well as the local police. From there, it says:

This man is offering, soliciting, and distributing dream stealing substances to young America and threatening our way of life.

Dream stealing substances? Like life goals, or sleepy time dreams? Do they steal nightmares? If so, maybe I should get myself some of these dream stealing substances. Hmm.

Let’s take back North Hollywood! Let’s show him the community will not stand for this outrage!

It’s as if North Hollywood was a sleepy, idyllic community with tree-lined streets and white picket fences before Kurt The Drug Dealer arrived. But the reality is that there are far more pawn shops than picket fences around here. Although I do like living here and consider myself on the “safer side” of North Hollywood, I still keep my doors locked…and even that didn’t stop my previous apartment (four blocks from where I live now) from being burglarized in broad daylight. So pardon me if I don’t feel confident that taking down Kurt The Drug Dealer will result in the taking back of North Hollywood.

TAKE ACTION NOW!

Fair enough. I shared the letter with my friends for a good laugh, posted it on Facebook and blogged about it. Whether or not that results in the arrest and prosecution of Kurt The Drug Dealer or a surge of new business for him remains to be seen.