Fierce Mommy: the economics of telling our kids “no”

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a blogumn by stephanie meyers

“parents are suddenly saying ‘no’ and their kids are saying, ‘what do you mean?’ ”
– robert d. manning; economist, rochester institute of technology; author of Credit Card Nation

it would be a great understatement to say that money is on the minds of many, if not in our wallets. shocked at the pump, at the grocery store, and at the mall, my friends and i have been talking a lot more often about how to cut corners in places that don’t matter, so that we can afford the things that do and maybe, just maybe, the occasional really awesome treat. we’re driving the car much less than before, being much more watchful of the register at the grocery store, eating at home more often, and wondering about the future; and like every family with children we’re trying to figure out how to keep up without shorting the kids.

we certainly aren’t alone. i’ve been reading more and more about how families are trying to keep up as the economy continues to free fall. on friday the New York Times wrote about how families are now trying to include kids in the discussion of family economics. born after the late 80’s economic crisis faced a boom economy, parents, faced a new economic landscape where they could afford to do better for their kids in every way. now as the economy grinds ever slower, children who aren’t too familiar with ‘no’ are hearing wallets zip closed.

money was not a topic of discussion in my family in any open way. my father worked three jobs and at that time (growing up in a reagan/bush america) there wasn’t much left over. i didn’t get toys or non-essentials unless it was a holiday, shopped for clothes at the 50% off store, and lived in texas without the luxury of a/c. i dreamed of ballet lessons but never dared ask because, even though my parents never talked about money, i felt the stress and understood that the answer was no. the whole subject of money was made scarier because they didn’t talk about it or explain it in a way that included us or made us feel like we could contribute.

my children (jillian is 6 and aidan is 3) have thus far grown up, certainly not rich, but definitely privileged in a way that only suburban middle class kids can be. surrounded by an endlessly doting family, my kids are lucky. they’ve never wanted for any necessity and have been fortunate to have more than a few extras like ballet and gymnastics. this doesn’t mean that they were spoiled. they almost never got toys or games unless it was their birthday or christmas and became familiar with the phrase “maybe santa will get that for you” very early.

growing up with little, there is certainly the desire to do things for my children that my own parents couldn’t afford to do. however, even though i wanted to give them the best of everything, i didnt want them to grow-up an entitled, indulged child whose every desire was instantly gratfied.

i consider myself lucky because i started setting some of those expectations when my kids were infants. part of it was limiting their exposure to commercials. the kids have been blissfully unaware of all the “must have” marketing aimed their way by choosing children’s programming free from ads (thanks noggin) or recording their favorite shows on the dvr so that i could fast forward past the new must have toy. that however, can only go so far.

when we went shopping, like any respectable kid, jillian would always manage to find a toy or stuffed bear or book she had to have. i would let her play with it in the cart as we shopped, but then, as we approached the register, i would tell her it was time to say good-bye to the toy and put it back on the shelf. i explained that she could play with this toy at the store and she could ‘visit’ it again the next time we came. the explanation was lost on her the first few times and she cried, prompting me to practice transcendental meditation at the register….and sometimes all the way home as she cried for injustice everywhere. it didn’t take too many lessons like this before she would be waving “bye-bye” to her toy without complaint. (her brother isn’t as quick a study, but i’m still working on it…)

setting up those lessons early means that i have a a child who hears and understands “no,” even if she doesn’t agree.

now that jillian is in public school, we are hearing her ask more and more for gadgets she sees other kids sporting. only a few weeks after she started kindergarden, my precious, precocious jillian was asking for a cell phone. later it was an ipod. i was shocked that parents were buying such expensive toys for children who couldn’t even read and were barely potty trained a few years before. i didn’t have a cell phone until i was well out of college. she was 5.

i said no, and explained to her why she didn’t need that yet and why i wasn’t going to buy it. perhaps when she was a big kid. maybe. ditto for the iPod.

getting kids involved is important, whether they are 5 or 15. making children part of the family game plan on a level they can understand helps them feel like they’re involved in a way that matters. i think parents need to be ready to explain the “why” behind family financial decisions rather than just saying “no” and doing it in a way that’s appropriate for the kid’s age.

in our family we are looking for the simple everyday ways to save money and do without non-essentials because there are things that we don’t want to sacrifice just yet. i’m toying with the idea of an allowance for jillian so i can start teaching her how to manage it; later her brother will join in. i’m hoping that i can help her and her brother grow into financially responsible teenagers who won’t make the same mistakes we did.

read the New York Times article here.