![A Cheatee’s Dilemma [Frankie Says…]](https://fierceandnerdy.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/SecretLovers.jpg)
A Cheatee’s Dilemma [Frankie Says…]
Frankie asks…
What is in for the cheatee?
So I’m still feeling out my blogging skills and testing out my format, and I’ve done some thinking… I’m not right all the time. In fact, that’s just what my post was about a few weeks ago. So, in that vein of honesty and self-awareness (which I have a ton of), I’ll occasionally be using the format of the above question, ‘Frankie asks…’ instead of ‘Frankie says…’
Back to the subject at hand…Frankie Asks…
A few weeks ago, I found myself at a seedy hotel bar in a sexy situation. An old fling from high school – if I can even call him that – was in town on business. This boy, now a man, had had a crush on me from the first day of school when I began as a sophomore. He relentlessly pursued me for the next three years, and every holiday after that when we’d run into each other.
And I, usually the type to go for it, always said no. We became friends throughout our high school years, running in the same circles, making out with each other’s friends. But never each other. A decade later, this man and I were exchanging battle scars from our early 20s and catching up on the last few years we hadn’t spoken.
He was doing very well for himself. Even had a live-in girlfriend for the last two years. I got to tell him how well I was doing and it felt good to be adults and share our successes. Then it happened…
What I saw wasn’t the silly boy who’d crushed on me for so long. Instead, before me was a man, strong, confident, successful, capable of loving a woman (as the girlfriend stands testament to) and taking care of her. I was hit. I wanted him. I couldn’t believe I’d said no all these years and at the same time it seemed only fitting that I’d be here…now…falling for him for the first time. (That one time in his mother’s van doesn’t count.)
So I’ve really gone and fucked up now. My pattern of seeking out emotionally unavailable men has crossed over to new heights of unavailability. Why do I want him now? Why, when he lives across the country with a girlfriend, do I see the attractive side of him? I am sadomasochistic, that’s why. I find a guy who I know I cannot possibly have, and then when I don’t get him I get to say, ‘See, I can’t get a guy.’ Professional help at this point would be highly advisable.
But still, after a weekend spent with him, after what was only an innocent meet up for drinks, I’m thinking about him… wondering if he’s thinking about me. What is in that for me, the cheatee?? He gets to go back to the woman he (allegedly) loves, after conquering the always illusive me. I just get to go back to my pathetic dating life of finding unavailable men.
Or…or, he’s seen the light and knows that we were always meant for each other.
Shit. I’ve been living in Hollywood too long…
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This is a great question. I think, though, that there are two (not one) attractions going on here. 1) The oh-so-common regret of paths not taken, and 2) the guy who has gotten another woman’s stamp of approval. My first thought is that if he does leave her for you, then you’ll have to deal with the anxiety of wondering whether he’s cheating on you. That’s a really hard obstacle to overcome. My second thought is that he probably won’t leave a 2yo relationship, and that he’s at a place where he’s probably feeling pressure to shit or get off the pot. You may be one last fling or an escape hatch. In any case, I’d say focus on what YOU want, b/c you’re kind of saying it clearly here: someone who is emotionally available. Obviously it’s frustrating you that you keep on dating either emotionally unavailable men who you’re attracted to or emotionally available men who you’re not attracted to. But at the end of the day if you stick to your guns about finding an emotionally available man who you are attracted to — that’s a very good must list btw — and keep on dating, you’ll find him. Meanwhile, this dude is a distraction from finding the guy you’re eventually going to settle down with. I say let him go and keep on looking. There are so many boys in the sea.
Unfortunately how a relationship begins is generally how it ends. If he cheats on her for you now, he will most likely cheat on you later for someone else. Take it from someone who knows, it’s exciting to be the other woman, but when karma comes to call, there is nothing worse than being betrayed by the one you love. That’s when you come to see that someone who would do that to someone he purports to care for is not the person you want. In this hard world, you should be able to have trust and loyalty with the person you choose to make a life with.
Great insight. As the daughter of a cheater, though, I don’t necessarily think it’s the karma of being the other woman, but the nature of the cheater. In many ways, it’s just a lesson learned for the other woman — no punishment needed. But for the cheater it’s a pattern that they’re not going to break out of unless they have a mental breakthrough or at least decide to commit to a polyamorous lifestyle, complete with respect and communication.
Well I’m assuming that, for you, emotionally available also means willing to be in a monogamous relationship with me. If that is the case then this guy, at least at the moment, doesn’t fulfill your requirements. I am assuming that you also already know that his current relationship is a monogamous relationship. If you’re not sure about either of these things then you can talk with him about it.
If you feel like the resolution is one that you find unacceptable then you have to remind yourself of your priorities and move from there. Personally, I don’t have a problem dating someone who is in a long term relationship as long as their SO knows that I am around (and I have spoken to them to confirm this.) At the sporadic moments that I find myself wanting to be working on a relationship, however, I tend towards poly-friendly but closed (i.e. we could make that decision in the future but at least for the first year I want to be your only focus.)
I have a friend who is in a situation more similar to you who’s guy revealed that he was in a long term relationship after she had managed to fall so deep for him that just leaving felt/feels impossible. I told her that, to me, there is no ethical imperative for her to leave (he is cheating not her.) She has to decide whether she will truly believe that the emotional commitments he makes to her are real (because that’s what I think she wants from him) and then if she can/wants to deal with the complications of this kind of romantic entanglement.
If you feel like your compromising yourself (emotionally, morally, physically) in an unacceptable way then definitely walk away. The butterflies will never outlast the guilt and the shame.
I love the points you bring up in this comment, most of all the importance of being open about your intentions from the start. I know a few women who pull off polyamory (sp?) well, and they’re all about the communication. At the end of the day, I think it comes down to knowing what kind of relationship you want at any given time. Quiet as it’s kept, the kind of relationship you want often changes from season to season — especially in your 20s.
I love the points you bring up in this comment, most of all the importance of being open about your intentions from the start. I know a few women who pull off polyamory (sp?) well, and they’re all about the communication. At the end of the day, I think it comes down to knowing what kind of relationship you want at any given time. Quiet as it’s kept, the kind of relationship you want often changes from season to season — especially in your 20s.
Wow, thanks so much for this detailed answer/opinion.
And actually, I’ve since found out that he was never intending on leaving is current gf AND he’s been
in similar situations with other close girlfriends of mine from HS.
… I KNEW there was a reason women gossip!!!
Hahaha! Gossip among women has such a bad reputation, but it really does serves a purpose in my opinion.