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Ask Dr. Miro: A Feeldoe in the Bed is Worth Two in the… What You Didn’t Learn In Health Class [BEST OF FaN]

C0-Ed. Note: We’re re-running this “Ask Dr. Miro,” b/c not only is it super-funny, but it also got us flagged by Google Ads. And as you know, we nerds just love to get in trouble — makes us feel baaaad.

Originally published 01/05/11

Dear Dr. Miro,

I am so embarrassed! I spent the holidays with my family and for the first time, brought my girlfriend. Things went really well. Everyone seemed to get along and play nice with each other. The problem came after we got home. You see, I bought my GF a Feeldoe for Christmas and gave it to her in PRIVATE at my folks’ place. She loved it. I loved it. It was incredible! Honestly, I can’t say enough good things about how amazing our sex was. However, when we got home, we realized that it wasn’t in our bags. Not only that, we realized exactly where we left it: in the bed. I know my mom. I know she has already stripped the bed and done laundry and she must have found it. She has not mentioned it. My GF is mad at me and says that I am making her look bad in front of my family and, that she wants her present back. But that’s a 5 hour flight away. I guess this is more of an etiquette question, but PLEASE, what should I do?

Red-Faced Rita

Dear RFR,

Well, if you want to get into etiquette, perhaps you will strip the sheets yourself next time you are a guest in anyone’s home. Even if it is your family, your mother should not be treated like a maid, having to collect your extremely soiled linens. Why do I say extremely without even being there? Because, Ms. RFR, I am all too familiar with the juicy glory of the Feeldoe. An amazing, double penetrating dildo, the patented “Strapless StrapOn”, is a fabulous invention that provides pleasure to both partners simultaneously! Also, it doesn’t set off any alarms when going through that pesky airport security, as it is pretty obvious it is not a bomb in the X-Ray — so important for girls on the go.

As far as what you should do? Right off the bat, go ahead and order another Feeldoe for your GF. This is a much cheaper option than buying a plane ticket and she deserves it. Especially after you painted her as a sex-crazed whore dyke. I am completely kidding because, as you should all know by now: there is nothing wrong with sex-crazed whore dykes. In fact, they are preferable to most other forms of humans.

And now, you have a couple of choices. The first option is obvious: ignore it. Pretend it never happened. Sweep it under the rug along with everything else unpleasant in your family history. I am unfamiliar with your familial dynamics, but this may be exactly what needs to be done.

The other option is to have that conversation with your mom… I know: SCARY! Seriously, just because a parent knows you are having sex does not mean either of you are comfortable talking about this fact. How about opening with an apology for not cleaning up after yourself? Thank her for always being there with such empathy and understanding for the way life has unfolded. Show gratitude for how accepting she is of your girlfriend as well as mention how much it means to share your holidays all together. See where that goes. This could be a great moment in which to express a lot of the things that are usually not said out loud, in such a loving, appreciative manner. After all these feely feelings have been expressed, you could treat your abandoned toy like a joke. Giggling say, “I’m really embarrassed about something that I left in my bed, Mom…” and ta-dah: it is out, just like YOU! Perhaps that is all that needs to be said and when you return home you will find your Feeldoe wrapped like a Papoose upon your pillow, awaiting your return. Or maybe that is just the reaction of San Francisco and Cretan chambermaids which, darling readers, are personal stories for another time.

Lust & Happiness,

Dr. Miro