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Ask Dr. Miro: Genital Whats??? [What You Didn’t Learn in Health Class]

Dear Dr. Miro,

About 7 months ago, my ex-boyfriend told me I gave him genital warts. When I went to get tested, I was told that I did not have any warty craziness. Every time I hear anything mentioned about STDs, I get frightened. I have taken so many tests at clinics and they always come back negative for everything. Yeast infections are pretty frequent in my life (every other month) and I always right away think I’ve contracted some horrible thing. I use protection and all. Is it possible the results are wrong? I’ve taken the tests in two different locations between 4-7 times a year for the past 6 years.  And, on a road trip, five years ago, I got real sick with fevers and blisters and I don’t know how I would’ve gotten these on my mouth. Could I have Herpes? I am constantly paranoid that I have contracted a venereal disease and now that my ex has told all these people I’m super humiliated, embarrassed and scared to be with anyone.

Freaked Out Fanny

Dear FOF,

First, take a big, deep, peaceful breath with me: Inhale – Inhale – Inhale – Inhale (hold). Exhale – Exhale – Exhale – Exhale. Wow. I felt anxious just reading your letter so I can’t imagine how wound up you must be over all this. That’s a lot of tests. Your Ex sounds like a loud mouth idiot that needs to figure out where he has been dangling his junk because you are OBVIOUSLY not the source of his Genital Warts, or Human Papilloma Virus. He is lashing out at your insecurities in the hopes that you will not stand up for yourself. This nonsense needs to stop right now. How crappy to be dealing with such immaturity!

Yes, Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) can be pretty scary without education. If you are having safer sex (using condoms and dental dams) as well as getting tested twice a year, you are more than fine. I do not think all the tests you have taken are wrong especially given the fact that you have gone to different places. There are so many places to find out information on any disease imaginable which can both hurt and help us. Hurt us in giving our imaginations more fodder to mess with our emotions, and help us in our pursuit of the ultimate armchair diagnosis.

Now as far as that road trip situation is concerned, I am not going to play guessing games. What I can tell you is that anything you may have had five years ago would have come up in the multitude of STI tests you’ve endured. If you had Herpes, you would definitely know by now.

My advice to you is pretty simple. Keep using protection. Educate yourself on what the various infections look like so you can spot them. This way, you will not freak out every time you have a zit near your clitoris. Know what questions to ask your OB/Gyn each year when you get your pap smear and on your frequent clinic visits.

And just as important: Next time you talk to your Ex, tell that jerk to take responsibility for his own actions and to stop blaming you for his indiscretions. Walk proud and tall knowing you are a woman who takes care of herself. Try relaxing about what is going on with your body and know that you are taking the necessary steps toward maintaining a healthy YOU.

Chin up, girl, you are going to be fine.

Lust & Happiness,
Dr. Miro

featured image credit: euthman