Ask Dr. Miro: Kiss ME! [What You Didn’t Learn in Health Class]

Dear Dr. Miro,

My girlfriend won’t kiss me. Eight years ago, when we first started dating, we were all over each other and now all she wants is for me to go down on her with a dildo, sometimes. She just barely touches me and this is making me way upset and it’s also making me feel ugly. What should I do? How can I get her to notice me? I’ve been told that this is called Lesbian Death Bed but I thought we were better than that.

Sincerely,
Desperately Wanting

Dear DW,

Kissing is SO important in a relationship. That is one of those things that can make or break a couple. If someone is not a “good kisser,” it is often cited as reason enough to not pursue a relationship in the first place. First, make sure your breath is fresh. Are you brushing after meals? Use mouthwash before approaching her in a sexual manner. It could be something as simple as oral hygiene. Make sure you go to the dentist so that a cavity is not the culprit for this distance or lack of desire.

Now, if that isn’t the case, and she is just being selfish and distant, let her know that you need more than going down on her to feel good about your relationship. Tell her that you miss her touch: that you CRAVE her caresses. Attempt an honest dialogue about what YOU need to make this relationship successful. Find out what is preventing mutuality in your bedroom. Of course you are feeling ugly and upset! The woman with whom you are sharing the most intimate parts of your life is not there for you to reinforce your most delicate issues. Understand that it is not you who is being ugly. Maybe she is having some self-esteem problems, too. I could tell you to not let this situation affect your feelings about yourself but that would be unrealistic. It is important to remember that we are not a reflection of our partners. However, it is also extremely important to be with someone who helps us feel like a better person. You need to love the sexual creature you are, by yourself, as well as the woman you are with your life partner.

On a final note, and despite the words, Lesbian Death Bed is NOT exclusive to women who like women. All relationships can get dull without frank discussions about how to keep things fresh. Personally I think LDB is a cop out. I also believe that there is no point to a sexual relationship without all parties getting their needs met. Otherwise, why not just pay a stranger for a Happy Ending? Thinking “we were better than that” can actually get in the way of addressing issues at hand. Everyone has his or her pitfalls. Try to address them before falling in.

Lust and Happiness,
Dr. Miro

featured image credit: Sarah Korf