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Ask Dr. Miro: No Freak(in’) Fantasies [What You Didn’t Learn In Health Class]

Dear Dr. Miro,

I have no desire to have sex with anyone. I’m actually pretty happy with the way I am with no sexual urges or fantasies and feel like I have always been this way.  I get told by my friends, “This is impossible!” and “You must be in denial.” I have looked up stuff online and have found things on Hypoactive Sexual Desire but that doesn’t seem right, either because these people talk about wanting to have sexual desire or having had it in the past and I really could care less. I have a Hitachi that I use occasionally to relieve stress and it helps me fall asleep. When I use it, I don’t fantasize about anything: I just clear my head. Again, my friends tell me this is crazy: that everyone has fantasies. I just don’t. I really don’t! The other thing is that I’ve never been attracted to males or females and that seems to confuse people, too. Sometimes I have crushes but don’t want to go further than getting to know the folks I’m crushing on. I get told that I must be turned on by someone or something and that I must be gay and just not able to admit it? This is kind of offensive to me because even my closest friends don’t respect what I say or believe me. I guess my problem is more that everyone says I am a freak with a major problem, so I need to find out why that is.

Am I really as screwed up as my friends say, or is this ok?

Unfreaky Freak Marie

Dear UFM,

First and foremost, I believe that if you do not think you have an issue or it is not creating crazy strife in your life, then you are fine. What you are describing is actually something called Asexuality, which occurs in approximately 1% of the population. An asexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction or behavior. It may be difficult for your friends to grasp, but it is perfectly all right. In fact, Kinsey includes asexuality on his famous scale by using the demarcation of an “X”.

You are correct in that Hypoactive Sexuality Desire Disorder is completely different from what you are describing. HSDD is when there is an absence of sexual fantasies and a lack of desire for sexual interaction over a specific period of time. It is considered a sexual disorder because it causes marked distress in the person experiencing HSDD. If this has been something that has been a constant in your life AND it is not causing you any issues, then it is NOT a problem. You do not sound like you want to be “fixed”. This is crucial in understanding asexuality!

The part about never being attracted to either males or females is the other key defining point in your asexuality. You can tell your opinionated friends that it is NOT necessary for you to choose a team.  Asexuals do not have a sexual orientation other than their asexuality. Not being sexually attracted to anything may be odd to your buddies but hopefully, with time and understanding, they will learn to see how everyone is different. Some people are attracted to everything, and others, to nothing. Humans are such complex, unique creatures. I hope your friends will be capable of accepting you for YOU and stop telling you that you do not know your own self! That is VERY offensive.

Regarding the Hitachi Magic Wand usage: it is perfectly “normal” to masturbate simply to alleviate stress or for relaxation purposes. There is some great research being conducted through the University of British Columbia on how asexuals are more in tune with their bodies’ sexual response cycles than sexual people. Apparently they have proven that although there is no desire there is arousal. This could be why your Hitachi is so helpful!

No matter what your companions may say, you are not a freak. I want you to understand that basic fact. Asexuals are perfectly healthy in all aspects of their beings and yes, can even have romantic relationships or crushes. Please visit the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network at so that you may join at least one community of acceptance.

Lust (or not) & Happiness,
Dr. Miro

featured image credit: PROYECTO AGUA** /** WATER PROJECT