Nerd in Transition: Tackling the Jelly Belly
Oct21

Nerd in Transition: Tackling the Jelly Belly

41 1/2, 42, 46 1/2, 29, 13 1/2, 16, 213 Alright nerd friends, any guesses on what this particular number sequence stands for? Math was never my subject, but maybe a few of you out there know of some formula that comes close to looking like this? I’d like to know because this row of numbers has tattooed itself to the backs of my eyeballs. I just can’t get it out of my head. I wish I could say Lottery winnings, but if that were true I’d be busy quiting my job and buying a car right now. No that row of numbers is a bottom line. Recently I wrote about an enjoyable two wedding weekend  I attended where I wore a skin tight red dress. To be fair it wasn’t completely skintight, the top part is blousy and loose though made of the same stretch cotton that then becomes a red glove hugging everything I’ve got from under my bosom down. That was a bold call on my part, a full figured gal in stretch red cotton. Yet I did it and held my head high the whole time. Some people loved it and others looked me up and down like I was a walking disease. Helping me hold it all together was a full body girdle and a pair of high waist nylons. The ruching on the dress itself didn’t hurt either. That’s a lot of armor to wear, eat and dance in for two days. Though I had a great time and felt every bit the beautiful woman I am, it would have been nice to be minus a layer. The fact is I have let myself go. Transitioning from 12-16 hours of intense skating mixed with various toning and conditioning...

Nerd in Transition: Seriously, One Day At A Time…

. a favorite blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Lett Kelly Says: This blogumn got me in some hot water when it first appeared on FaN. At the time I was coaching roller derby to girls between the ages of 8-16, and while I had discussed my addiciton previously, never had I gone into such great detail. Those details created concern among certain people and I was ordered to remove the blog, or leave my coaching position. I did, and still do, love working with children and at the time I thought that position was the only thing keeping me sane. After a heated debate I had the blog removed and most of you never got a chance to read it. I am having it put back up because a month later I left coaching after realizing that the behind the scene’s tension was a direct cause to much of my daily stress. It is also my intention to allow you to see where I started. My next new blog is going to be an update filled with victories, losses and stagnation as I continue to fight addiction and create the life I desire so badly. From May 25, 2010 It has been 18 days since I last smoked any weed at all. Over the past two months I have gone through a series of false starts in dealing with my addiction. I would get to 4 or 5 days and then smoke again for whatever reason. Often a single shared bowl with a friend on a Friday night would lead to my purchasing an 1/8th the next day which would trash the next 4 days of my life. For those of you not in the know, an 1/8th size bag of weed is between $40-60...

Nerd in Transition: No Time? Add Puppy!
Aug12

Nerd in Transition: No Time? Add Puppy!

. a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Lett In the past five weeks my life has gone from 0 to 70 and I’ve got my foot on the petal. The two biggest changes would be my full time job and some highly demanding acting classes at the Lesly Kahn Institute. Having been unemployed for almost two years suddenly taking on an 8 hour day is a difficult adjustment. Thankfully since I telecommute I may be chained to my computer, but I am not chained to a location. While the classes may only be one day a week, I am there from six to midnight and daily rehearsals are expected, not to mention the amount of work that I do on a script at home. Do you see what I mean? From unemployed, retired rollergirl, with little direction; to a corporate cog and striving actor trying to fit a few moments of writing into her week. That statement is ironic. Each week I write two blogs and bi-weekly I write what you are reading now. Yet I don’t have time to sit and work on any of my personal projects. Let’s go ahead and add in the need to exercise an hour each day to take off this unemployed, retired rollergirl weight. And shit while we’re at it why not throw in a puppy? I’m serious, today I went and adopted a puppy from the local shelter. She’s a four month old pit mix with white hair and brown spots. I’m torn between calling her Maxine or Spot. Yep, Spot, how classic is that? I bring the little bundle home tomorrow. Really she is more of a gift for Derby Dog. At this time I have to walk Derby Dog twice a day. These aren’t short jogs...

Nerd in Transition: I Got A Job!!!
Jul29

Nerd in Transition: I Got A Job!!!

. a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Lett After almost two years stuck in unemployment I finally have a job. Not just any job, but a big, bad, full time, benefits and all, corporate job. It’s refreshing to be earning money without having to wear an apron or god awful khaki pant uniform. In fact I don’t have to wear anything, I could do this job buck naked, cause I telecommute. Hell, today I didn’t get out of my pj’s until around 1. It didn’t suck. It strikes me as ironic that after almost two years sitting around doing nothing, I would land a corporate gig where I sit around doing nothing. I also get to make my own hours, so Derby and I still go to the dog park in the morning and on a hike in the afternoon. I just have to make sure that I tap away at my company issued computer for 37-40 hours a week. So what is this bona fide big girl job? I’m a deal entry specialist for an internet company that originated in Santa Monica called Savings.com. A couple years ago they expanded to the UK and created a sister site, Savoo.co.uk. The popularity of the UK site is growing rapidly causing a need to expand the work force. One resume, multiple reference checks both personal and professional, a criminal background check, three interviews, a good word from a friend already on the inside and lots of prayers from famliy, friends and the wide world of Facebook and TA-DA! I have the perfect job for a struggling actor/writer. The job basically consists of me checking my assigned list of merchants to ensure that all the deals are up to date and working, so lots of data entry, which...

Nerd in Transition: Seriously, Don’t Call Me a Hippie
Jul15

Nerd in Transition: Seriously, Don’t Call Me a Hippie

. a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Lett Just because I am in transition doesn’t mean you have the right to call me a hippie. I have never purchased a Phish CD and I certainly didn’t follow the Dead. In fact when they came to Detroit and I was a teenager some friends went down to hang out in the parking lot mainly to hunt good drugs. I considered tagging along, but decided I liked acid better when listening to Lords of Acid. I’ll even admit to being callous enough to have laughed when Jerry Garcia died. Patchouli gives me a headache. One of my favorite South Park episodes is when Cartman locks a bunch of hippies in a basement. So imagine my dismay when this past week a pissy, judgemental, angry, old hippie saved Derby Dog forcing me to to thank her and hand over 40 bucks, leaving me conflicted. It only got worse when I myself was called a yoga-loving, vegan, hippie mother lookalike by a room filled with twenty year olds two days later. In order to properly tell this tale I’m going to pour myself another glass of whiskey. Goddamn hippies. Alright a glass of Jim Beam on the rocks and a little Merle Haggard on Pandora and I’m ready to share this difficult tale of woe and ultimately, triumph. Frequently I  housesit to make a little extra cash in these tough economic times. Derby Dog goes with me to each house, happy to spend a few days with a four legged friend. Last week I had two houses to take care of, one of which is a house we are at quite often. Since I still hadn’t started my new job(oh yeah I FINALLY got a job after close to...

Nerd in Transition: A Little Person Takes on Big Hollywood
Jul01

Nerd in Transition: A Little Person Takes on Big Hollywood

. a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Lett “I have a pretty charmed life.” the voice on the phone says to me. “Really? I find it ironic that you would say that.” I retort. She giggles a little and says,”No really I do. I know it seems like I’ve had it pretty tough, but I’m really very lucky. There are over 800 variations of being a little person, some people spend their life in a wheel chair. Mine is a cake walk.” I’m on the phone interviewing Selene Luna, a 3’10” Mexican woman that recently closed her one-woman show “Born to Be Alive” at the Davidson/Valentini Theatre in LA. I kind of stumbled upon the show when purchasing tickets online for another friends show this past weekend. Since I’m working on my own one-woman piece, I’ve been on the lookout for this particular type of theatre. So I picked up a ticket for what turned out to be closing night. I had no idea what I was in for. In fact when Sunday night rolled around I wasn’t feeling too hot and almost didn’t go, but my Midwest penny-pincher sensibility came out and off I went. Arriving late I was the jerk that came in after curtain; as a theatre actor myself this is unacceptable behavior. Feeling sheepish about having missed the first five minutes I settled in and was immediately taken by the powerhouse on stage. Selene Luna is a former dancer with the world famous Velvet Hammer, the burlesque troop that basically got this whole revival started and she holds the title as the only  little person burlesque performer, making her an international star. Using this as the gimmick for her show (because as you know to do burlesque you gotta have a...

Nerd in Transition: GOING IN CIRCLES by Pamela Ribon [BOOK WEEK]
Jun17

Nerd in Transition: GOING IN CIRCLES by Pamela Ribon [BOOK WEEK]

. a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Lett What an odd occurrence that I have to write this blog on this day and send it in this week. It’s BOOK WEEK here at Fierce and Nerdy, which is great because coincidentally I was planning to write a book review this week’s edition of NiT. I made a promise to Pamela Ribon  a few weeks back that I would review her new novel GOING IN CIRCLES and post it on my little blog here. Once I finished the book I was ready to give it a solid thumbs up and insist that you all put it on your summer reading list. But then a couple things happened that I had to write about, one of which was hitting my 90 day smokeless date. I couldn’t let that pass with no recognition. Now that I have a week where I’m slightly less self-involved I can stick my thumbs up in the air and oh yeah, it so happens to be BOOK WEEK here at Fierce and Nerdy. Coincidence? The book report: GOING IN CIRCLES is the story of Charlotte Goodman who is caught in the agony of marital indecision. Her husband of less then a year leaves suddenly one night only to return just as suddenly a few weeks later. His explanations for doubting the marriage? Well he doesn’t really have any, leaving Charlotte with sleepless nights and disturbing bathroom masturbation episodes. Soon Charlotte leaves, unable to deal with the great divide. She leaves the marriage reeling, yet not quite finished. Unable to turn to her parents for support and without any friends that aren’t connected to her husband. Charlotte gets lost in a fog and turns into a living ghost until an odd little goth woman befriends...

Nerd in Transition: 90 Days
Jun03

Nerd in Transition: 90 Days

. a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Lett Friday marks my 90th day of not smoking marijuana. Three whole months without a joint, bong hit, pull on the pipe, blunt, or any sort of edible indulgence. For the past three months I have faced my emotions head on, clear head on that is. In no way has this been easy. When I first started I went to MA meetings. I bought books at these meetings, including workbooks so I could work the 12 steps. I even read some of these books, but I never touched the workbook. I also stopped going to meetings about two weeks in, just not much of a joiner. Though it can get difficult at times I really am a loner. So to be stuck in a room full of people bitching about the same problem for an hour out of my day gets to be way too tedious for me, fast. Please don’t feel the need to lecture me about how it’s the strength of the group and being able to face problems together; I have an older sister who’s great at self-righteous lectures. In fact I’ll get one after she reads that sentence. I just seem to do better when I take things on alone. Being alone has never frightened me. Whenever I am greatly interested in something I most often check it out alone, as I did when I went to a Derby Dolls fundraiser 6 years ago. When I do go to movies, I tend to go alone. Museums, hikes, gyms, diets, shopping, moving to new cities; these are all things I like to handle by myself. The exception would be nice restaurants. I will go out to eat and grab a table for one, but tables...

Nerd in Transition: Life’s a Beach
May20

Nerd in Transition: Life’s a Beach

. a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Back in middle school one of the “good” Allison’s used to retort “Life’s a beach and then you fry” whenever I would use the more popular vernacular. Well that little snot is nowhere around right now, leaving me free to state that life’s a bitch. We all know it. Maybe for Oprah and the makers of The Secret, life is a grand romp through fields of sunshine and flowers where birds sing in your ears as butterflies land on your shoulder all while you magically order up new bikes by thinking about them; but for the rest of us life is usually one big karmic balancing act. Shit I’m writing this on a Wednesday night and I’ve already had a whole series of situations thrust on me that have left my emotions whirling. The tilt a whirl may have been fun when I was 9, but I’m 32 now and momma’s stomach just isn’t what it used to be. Monday morning started off with me waking up in a not-so-strange, but not mine, bed. I was house sitting for my novel writing, happily married, new mom buddy in her beautiful ranch house with it’s big beautiful back yard. I don’t feel terribly jealous of her, but there was a time when she had to crash on my couch and now I am her house sitter; sometimes it rubs the wrong way. Yes I know my time will come, I’m just tired of waiting for it to arrive. With that said I had the exciting task of spending the day shopping for the perfect actor interview outfit because I had some big meetings lined up for the week, the kind of meetings that can change the direction of a...

Nerd in Transition: My 32nd Birthday Quinceanara
May06

Nerd in Transition: My 32nd Birthday Quinceanara

. a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Lett Friendship has always been difficult for me. Even among outsiders I am often the castout. Whenever I feel I have finally found my tribe, I end up getting voted out somewhere along the way. The people that do stay in contact with me are generous to a fault and I’ve been known to take advantage of that generosity. It isn’t one of my better qualities. Yet some people see something in me and they hold on, it’s comforting to say the least, and for those people I am eternally grateful. I can be a good friend. When you run out of gas on the side of the road at 3am and you don’t have AAA, I will not only pick up the phone, but I will head out in my pj’s. Get locked up and I’ll take your one phone call, even if it is charged to my bill. I will put together a radical 80’s hip hop/break dancing themed birthday party for you regardless of the fact that I will be out of town the same weekend it is going to happen. My couch is always open to the wayward. And I really love a Thanksgiving dinner away from the family because I’d rather spend it with a bunch of misfits. Yet I can’t seem to hold up the other basic requirements of solid friendships. Phone calls bug me in the middle of the day, so I often don’t answer the ring. There is a part of my personality that is rather negative and the closer I get to a person, the more it comes out. You know how opinions are like asses? Everybody has one and they all stink. Well I have not only a...

Nerd in Transition: There Was No Fear Stronger Than the Pleasure of Dirty Feet
Apr22

Nerd in Transition: There Was No Fear Stronger Than the Pleasure of Dirty Feet...

. a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Lett Due to the fact that my most recent blog offended and dismayed a number of important people in my life I thought it prudent to have it taken down. I appreciate all the letters and comments offering love and support from those of you clearly touched by my recovery. To try and lighten the mood I am offering you this charming short story I wrote in my writers group this past week. Joining a writing group has become a big part of my transitional period, so in a way it does fit with the theme Nerd in Transition. Please read and enjoy! Inside a stuffy classroom Angelica fidgets. The April showers have ended ,leaving behind so many May flowers. Angelica likes flowers ok, but doesn’t get all the excitement. Why can’t she take her shoes off and step on the colorful petals? She always gets yelled at for doing that; adults only want to look at the flowers and smell them, who cares what they smell like? Those petals feel so soft between her toes and the velvety crunch as her heel rotates around down to the dirt is a moment of soft joy only Angelica understands. Try as she might she can never make the grown ups get it, she’s not even allowed to walk past Mrs. Grey’s yard anymore. Mrs. Grey’s garden is a source of pride and envy in the neighborhood, so when Angelica squashed a whole bed of single blooming tulips there was hell to pay. With a deep sigh reaching down to those tiny toes, toes trapped in picture-day patent leather dress shoes, Angelica shifts and looks out the window. Before her sleepy eyes lay a giant carpet of fresh, light green grass. She...

Nerd in Transition: Climbing Back on the Wagon
Feb25

Nerd in Transition: Climbing Back on the Wagon

. a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Back in November I started attending AA meetings. Truthfully I don’t have a problem with alcohol and before you go calling me out on denial being more than a river in Egypt, please allow me to explain. Currently there is a bottle of tequila and brandy sitting on my bar at home. I’m not sure how long they have been there, but they sit collecting dust daily. I don’t drink through problems or uncomfortable emotions, nor do I drink to excess every time I do drink, I have also never blacked out from drinking. My reason for visiting these meetings had to do a different addiction, one I’ve been struggling with since my early 20’s. Marijuana. Yes I am addicted to marijuana. Oh don’t roll your eyes, it does happen. Happens to lots of people; ever meet an aging hippie? So after many failed attempts to just say no on my own I finally broke down and walked into AA. AA wasn’t my first choice. There are Marijuana Anonymous groups, but I wasn’t able to find one that fit my schedule. At the time I was finishing up a demanding season with the Derby Dolls. The Tough Cookies were facing our stiffest competition twice in three weeks, one of those games being the championship, so I was at the track constantly. It seemed that every MA meeting I found was at night or during the middle of a Saturday, all times when I was at practice. Broken and desperate for help I dragged myself to the first AA meeting I could find in my new neighborhood. I landed in a welcoming and colorful place. My first time there I was in such an emotional state that I stared...

Nerd in Transition: Life After Derby, Venice, and Sugar
Jan28

Nerd in Transition: Life After Derby, Venice, and Sugar

. a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Lett The view out of my front windows is gorgeous, it stops me all the time. Day or night my hillside perch keeps me enthralled. As you may or may not know, I recently moved from my beach home in Venice, to a lovely little cottage in East LA. I reside comfortably upon the side of what can rightly be termed a foothill to the San Gabriel Mountain range. On a clear day I can see all the way to downtown Long Beach. Out my left window are rolling mountain tops, dotted with a thousand little  houses. My right window frames LA County Hospital in all its isolated dominance as it dispenses inadequate care to the ill and suffering. It’s been raining for the last few days, leaving the air clear of smog and dust.  Across the way the thousand little houses are lit up and I am admiring my electrical constellations.Wrapped in my leopard snuggie I am pleased with this progression. If you have been following my blog you know that there are many changes taking place in my life. Nerd in Transition sometimes feels like an understatement. I’ve moved out of Venice and into  a little cottage in East LA, retired from active team skating for the LA Derby Dolls, lost my favorite dog, confronted my cousin’s lung cancer, and swore off sugar. I felt like it might be time for an update. The first question most people ask is, so how’s life post roller derby? I don’t know.  Other than the fact that I don’t have to be at multiple practices each week and am no longer required to work games much of my life is still controlled by the Derby Dolls intense schedule. I...

Nerd in Transition: Goodbye, Sugar! Hello, Juiceman!
Jan14

Nerd in Transition: Goodbye, Sugar! Hello, Juiceman!

. a blogumn by Kelly Lett Food. I think about it all the time. It doesn’t matter if I am on a diet or not. I can be hungry, or I can be recently stuffed; I will still think about food. Is this my greatest addiction? People say that quiting smoking is the hardest drug to give up, well I’ve given up cigarettes, but those people have never faced the monolith that is sugar. Sugar is in almost everything we as Americans consume, but most don’t know that because of all the different names used to hide it. If you are a label reader then I am sure you are familiar with high fructose corn syrup, but have you ever seen these: *beet sugar *barely malt *dextran *dextrose *ethyl maltol *fruit juice *fruit juice concentrate * glucose *maltodextrin *sorbitol *sorghum syrup *yellow sugar *turbinado sugar And that, my friends, is the short list. We all know the obvious offenders of foods to avoid; soda, twinkies, anything McDonald’s and counterparts offer, ice cream, white bread, chocolate, pudding, even yogurt and granola. But what about the not so obvious? Check the backs of those protein shakes and bars and chances are you will find the sneaky sweet stuff. Not to mention the color it adds to foods like catsup, or the taste in your toothpaste. Yes, even cigarettes contain sugar, so maybe that does make them the hardest thing to quit. So why is sugar so bad? Other than rotting teeth, what is it really doing? OH so very much. Without getting too technical let me just point out that your body has to work twice as hard to metabolize sugar and in doing so isn’t able to process the valuable nutrients you really need. Your...

Nerd in Transition: Thank You LADD
Dec10

Nerd in Transition: Thank You LADD

. a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Lett I know a place in LA with the best view of Downtown. It’s on a tiny street called Naud where you can view the city from atop a pillow factory. You will never find Naud Street unless you actually want to go there, it’s that small and that hidden away. I visited it again for the first time in over four years on Sunday Dec. 6 sometime after the sun had gone down. The view is interrupted by what seems to be a random 6ft. high chain link fence bolted into the 4ft. high brick barrier surrounding the rooftop parking lot. That fence did serve a purpose once upon a time and I wouldn’t like the view so much if it wasn’t there. The fence was installed to prevent me and 30 other women from flying off a banked roller derby track to certain death on the concrete a few flights below. It was on this small rooftop parking lot that we first set up our banked track and where I believe the magic of the LA Derby Dolls really began. While it may be true that we practiced at Skateland and Iceoplex for about 6 months prior to the rooftop, it was that open ignored space that gave us the room we needed for our track, making us one of two all-female banked track roller derby leagues in the country. I spent many nights up there watching the sun go down as our former coach droned on and on about something. And even though I managed to re-break my collar-bone as well as my thumbs up there, I’ll never forget the lights shinning from skyscrapers as the cool summer wind dried the sweat off my face....

Nerd in Transistion: Tomorrow Kenai is Going to the Vet
Dec03

Nerd in Transistion: Tomorrow Kenai is Going to the Vet

. a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Lett Thanksgiving Eve & Day, 2009 Marquette,  MI For the first time in almost ten years I am home for Thanksgiving. This is a noteworthy event. Since moving from the security of my parents home in Michigan to New York and then onto LA, I have always come back for Christmas, but never the great feast. Though the most familial of all holidays, it just never seemed important enough to return for. Typically I fly into Michigan for a little ho-ho-ho, ankle deep snow, pretty packages, glutenous meals, fights with my Mother and gorgeous candle-lit services. As soon as it’s all done I climb on a big ‘ol jet airliner and get carried far away. This may sound bad, but truthfully I love my family fiercely. It is this fierce devotion that has me back after such an absence. Still being a struggling artist there can only be one flight across country and it had to happen now. My oldest cousin is fighting stage 4 lung cancer, she’s all of 42. A non-smoking, marathon runner with two teenagers and a loving husband; this wasn’t suppose to happen to her. It wasn’t suppose to happen to us. We’re a strong, healthy, stubborn crew; a real bunch of tough cookies. So how did a young leader in the family come to fight for her life? Without an answer we have swooped into the U.P. eager to love her before it’s too late. To go along with this is a rapidly aging dog who’s own health is in decline. This isn’t just any dog, she is the essence of the term, man’s best friend. Shortly before I turned 18 I paid $50 for the pick of the litter of Chow/Pit mixes....

Nerd In Transistion: Moving (to) the Mountain
Nov19

Nerd In Transistion: Moving (to) the Mountain

. a relaunched blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Lett (formerly of “Venice Flytrap“) I recently moved out of Venice. Leaving behind my charming, yet falling apart duplex with its big fenced in front and back yard, vegetable garden, fruit trees, 5 minute walk to the beach and sweet salt air waking me up every morning. Where I landed is on the side of a mountain in East LA, homes. I have 47 steps to climb before I reach my front door, nothing within a quick walking distance, a yard that’s a mountain slope and the promise of a blistering hot summer. I am a happy happy girl. While I may have left behind an awesome neighborhood by the beach, I gained so much more in exchange. Those 47 steps lead up to a small one bedroom house that I share with no one but Derby Dog. Said house is not only NOT falling apart but it has a lot of newness going on, like a  new foundation, kitchen, floors and so forth. My old landlord easily fit into lazy slumlord category with a building “manager” — that was a huge reason the place was falling apart. For example it took 9 months of phone calls and letters before I finally went out and bought a cheap new screen door, deducting the cost from my rent. This is a small example, don’t get me started on termites or leaking tubs. But the day I moved into the new place I asked for a screen door, a couple weeks later my landlord shows up with a nice wooden door he had hand painted himself to match the house. While I always enjoyed the view from my old front door, here I look out over the blinking lights...

Venice Flytrap: The Strange Case of (My Date with) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Jul09

Venice Flytrap: The Strange Case of (My Date with) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde...

. a blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Photo Credit: Jean-Phillipe Rebuffet I’m lying on the floor, actually I’m stuck on the floor, caught in the doorway that separates my roommate, Lauren’s and my bedrooms from the rest of the apartment. With my arm extended straight up I yell for Lauren. her bedroom door is wide open, I think she is folding laundry. I’m five feet away and in need of a lift. What does she do? Laugh. That’s it. She laughs and shakes her head while saying, “No I’m not gonna help you up.” “Oh come on! Don’t you know what kind of day I’ve had? Come on I can’t get up! Please?” “Nope, sorry.” (snort, giggle) Considering she helped me get this way, you would think she’d be more sympathatic. Confused? So am I, but maybe we can figure it out together. About half an hour ago I returned home from an impromptu date with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Rewind back and it’s early Sunday morning, one that started with the best of intentions which were blown away after measuring myself to see how my diet was working. The reveal; it’s not, not working at all. Depression and exhaustion sweep through me as I put the tape measure down and head ot the kitchen for tea. Halfway there I collapse on the floor in a weepy ball of snot and tears. Things have been tough, life has been smacking me around lately and I have the bruises to prove it. SO I guess I hit my breaking point. Deciding it best I cancel my plans and head to church. This usually predictable pick-me-up fails. I leave thinking a cheeseburger might do the trick. Luckily I have a gift certificate to Island’s, a thrilling...

Venice Flytrap: Fired. Again. Damn.
Dec30

Venice Flytrap: Fired. Again. Damn.

. A blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Fired. Again. Damn. Couldn’t be a worse economy to lose a job then the one we are living in; yet even knowing that I managed to lose my temper with a manager and thereby lose my job. It’s something I’m good at. Hell part of the reason I was named Kelly ka-BOOM in the first place is because of my ability to explode. This particular part of my personality is not something I am proud of, in fact it is something that I work to control. And I was doing pretty good, too. That is until I started hanging out with the boardwalk folks. You can get anything you want on the boardwalk 24 hours a day. The more people you know, the easier the flow. After a summer there I knew alot of people and those people got to know things about me. For instance if you put something green in front of me, I will smoke it. Mix it with a cool glass of Kentucky bourbon and I’m a barrel of laughs with the right people. With the wrong people, though, I’m a hot mess waiting for a fight. Of course the irony is that the right people are usually the wrong people. So four weeks ago I got stoned, I got drunk and I got in a fight, with my boss. oops. Three weeks ago I finally said enough! After trying time and again to quit smoking I think that this is it. I went to my church and had a long talk with the Pastors wife, herself a former meth and marijuana addict, who gave me encouragement, prayers and a little rent money. Immediately I stopped hanging out on the boardwalk. When I would...

Venice Flytrap: The World is on Fire
Nov24

Venice Flytrap: The World is on Fire

. A blogumn by Kelly Kaboom The world is on fire. Over the ocean a crimson dot hangs, the brilliant California sun censored behind a curtain of gray ash. I can taste the ash in my mouth. Performers scatter, a brave few stay on in the abnormal darkness. By 5pm the sky is black. Faint lights move across the horizon as ghost ships drive their cargo onward. It’s Saturday night November 15, 2008 and California is burning. Still stuck in a five-year drought, the wildfire season has stretched past late summer, into the fall. This weekend is record setting for the amount of acres burned and structures destroyed. The news media have settled on a powerful and catchy name, the Freeway Complex Fire, a title that resonates with So-Cal residents. Images on the TV screens in the bar resonate with me as I move through my work night. House after house after house after house lights the night sky in Yorba LInda. Flames shoot out of rooftops in Chino Hills. While everywhere else whole mountainsides are eaten by a winding snake of orange flames. Thick smoke moves its way across the coast line; fear moves along with it. Venice is tense. My Saturday night ends badly. A verbal altercation with a table of local bums and weak management refusing to step in leave me walking out the door with shaking fists. Unable to face an empty apartment, I head to the Asylum and find the colorful tattoo crew closing up shop for the night. We hang out in back, beers are popped, weed is passed. Looking at Dirty I notice his face is scratched with cuts along his bottom lip, a faint darkness is filling in under one eye. “What happened to your face?”...

Venice Flytrap: The New Hairdo That I Didn’t Want
Oct17

Venice Flytrap: The New Hairdo That I Didn’t Want

. A blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Today I was butchered. My hair taken off my scalp with great care as a gross miscommunication occurred between me and a detail-oriented little man. With scissors and a lot of bleach, a slightly lost boy from Laos touched my hair and off it went. The request was to modernize my Marilyn, an inch off and razor the ends. Within minutes I went from Marilyn to Mia. Yep straight out of Rosemary’s Baby right in time for Halloween.  Now don’t think I sat there impassively and took this wanton chopping with wistful abandon. No, I did my best to boss Mr. Young around; but there was that gross miscommunication that I mentioned earlier. So with great skill and great misunderstanding, away he went. Hours later I was off to drown my lost 3 inches in whiskey and wings at the Sidewalk Cafe, my place of employment and favorite beachfront watering hole. I brought three things with me; Derby Dog, my notepad and the best of intentions to write my already late blog. Venice Flytrap needs a voice, a direction beyond my singular experiences. With that in mind I decided to be more social than usual , take the time to learn other people’s stories. Thankfully the new hairdo that I didn’t want is a great conversation starter. Walking up Windward, I spotted my friend Andy outside Tattoo Assylum. She looked cool and bored smoking a cigarette, her back pressed against a glass window. The neon lights framing her and the window turned her skin orange, causing the big red rose on her neck to jump out. A beautiful flower on a flower of a girl. She had to get inside and start working on some guys new piece,...

Venice FlyTrap: No, I REALLY Love Ice Cream

. A blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Beaches are fun, aren’t they? One day spent soaking up some sun by the ocean can wipe away a weeks worth of cubicle-induced stress. A visit to the beach is also a great way to fill those endless hours spent with out-of-town visitors. A few years back I had a gentleman caller come in for a weekend. He was from Arizona, the land of red rock desert and endless strip malls. This being his first time in LA, he was eager to see the sites. I suggested we go frolic outside my bedroom in the cool waters of the Pacific Ocean. At the time I was living in the valley, so with swim suits on and a picnic basket in hand, we jumped in the car and headed toward Venice. Although open alcohol isn’t allowed on Venice Beach, as a tax payer I feel that I have a right to sit back in the sand, sip some whiskey and watch the waves rollin. So along the way we stopped for a couple bottles of coke to pour a little(or alot) Jimmy B. into. Once there I parked a few blocks from the beach and we headed off for some fun in the sun. As we frollicked in the sun, sand and surf we munched on our goodies and drained our bottles of whiskey. With the alcohol taking over we headed for a stroll down the boardwalk. Drunk, dehydrated and sun-burned, I spied the only medicine I needed; hand scooped ice cream! My gentleman caller was good enough to buy me two scoops on a cone, none of that cup crap, sugar cones only please. Gleefully I flip-flopped my way toward the door and the single, small step down...