Best Of Daily News Brief [Friday 5er]

Due to a busy week, I didn’t have time to put together an all new Friday 5er. I probably should’ve saved the M. Night Shyamalan article for that but hey, as my wife knows all too well, I’m not that bright.

So instead of an original post, I thought it would be fun to take a brief look back at the best of everyone’s favorite second-rate Onion ripoff.

Below are the five top viewed articles, which means they’re chosen by you – the public. I’m nothing if not a man of the people:

 

5. Mime Cokes To Death During Performance; Receives Thunderous Applause.

Amidst what was called a tour-de-force by spectators, street performer Francois Armand accidentally swallowed a chain of scarves and passed away from suffocation at the Santa Monica Promenade Wednesday afternoon.

The scarves, which he normally hid in his mouth at the beginning of the routine, were intended for the finale but became lodged in his throat while attempting to escape from an invisible box. The unfortunate event was witnessed by thirty-six people, none-of-whom stopped to help him.

“I thought he was tearing it up,” said Andrea Carpenter, a UCLA student waiting in line at the Apple Store, “At no point did I think he was ever in a stiff wind but the choking thing, that was so realistic I was like ‘damn, you go mime.”

Services for Armand will be held at the Our Lady of the Obvious Joke church this Sunday at six o’clock.

 

4. Overweight Man Forgets To Post Daily Gym Picture On Facebook; Friends Worried.

A 268-pound Portland resident prompted concern from his peers after neglecting to post a gym picture to Facebook last night. For the past six weeks, Bertrand Kelm has provided photographic evidence of himself on either a treadmill or an elliptical machine every day, but last evening friends were disturbed to discover no such picture.

“I’m speechless,” said Aimee Harvin, coworker and object of Kelm’s unrequited affection. “There’s so much wrong with the world, Bert’s daily exercise updates give me hope that things can get better.”

Hayden Smythe, someone Bert met at a birthday party two years ago, agrees. “That a single man in his late 20?s with relatively few obligations can find the strength to take better care of himself inspires all of us. I hope he hasn’t given up.” While wiping a tear from his eye, Smythe paused for reflection.

“Bert, if you’re reading this, please don’t stop, humanity needs you.”

UPDATE: Fierce and Nerdy has discovered that Mr. Kelm’s phone battery died at the end of his last workout. He has since allayed his friends’ fears with an uplifting status update complete with pictures of a chicken salad and a scale displaying half-a-pound weight loss.

 

3. Veterinarian Says Cats Won’t Go In Litter Box Because Screw You, That’s Why.

After a ten year study of feline behavior, Veterinarian Genesis Allen, concluded this morning that cats who won’t defecate in their litter boxes are punishing their owners for reasons only they understand.

“You may have cuddled with them too much,” said Allen regarding possible causes. “Or you may not have cuddled long enough. Maybe they didn’t like their new food. Maybe they’re tired of the old food. Maybe they didn’t appreciate you petting a dog. Maybe they didn’t like the way you ignored a dog. Who the hell knows?”

Dr. Allen went on to say that after spending a decade “chronicling these bastards” all he can say is, “scientifically speaking, cats are hairball-puking judgement machines with the ethical standards of a tyrant and the emotional stability of an overweight teenage girl.”

The 150 page study entitled Why Didn’t I Listen To My Mother And Become A Dentist is available for download on Dr. Allen’s website.

 

2. Man Hasn’t Seen Game Of Thrones; What An Asshole.
A white male in his early thirties, who calls himself a writer, admitted to friends earlier this week that he hasn’t seen one episode of HBO’s hit series Game of Thrones.

Despite confessing he’s watched at least twenty episodes of Restaurant Impossible and Chopped on The Food Network this last year, the man still hasn’t found time to catch up on a television show that all research indicates should appeal to him.

“I’m sure it’s awesome, honestly, but episodic television like that is addictive,” the man said responding in anonymity to the suggestion he watch the first two seasons to catch up. “If I watch one, I have to watch the second and the next thing I know I’m wallowing in twenty-four hours worth of Red Bull cans, Cheetos’ dust and chinese take-out boxes.”

Hadassah Bling, a marketing executive at HBO, says incidents like this are rare but not entirely without precedent. “Even though Game of Thrones is tailor made for him, he isn’t required to watch it. Not every progressive lesbian watches Rachel Maddow. Some people with an actual sense of humor occasionally tune in to Chelsea Lately. We did our job. We stuffed it full of sex, violence and freaking dragons, it’s not our fault he’s an asshole.”

 

1. Rochester Big & Tall Refuses To Stock Non-Plus Sized Clothing.

Amidst protests from anti-normal-shaming groups, Rochester Big & Tall CEO Marco Jorello remains steadfast in both his company’s image and business model.

During an interview with The Portly Register, Jorello admitted that his company caters exclusively to men with robust waistlines and/or elongated legs.

“People who wear size 32 around or a 30 inseam don’t belong in our clothes, they can’t belong. We deal with men who probably weren’t the cool kids in school and had a little trouble with the ladies. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.”

Critics accuse Jorello of promoting anti-normal biases. “My husband wears a 34 waist with a 28 inseam,” said Sandra Flowers, President of Thin People For The Ethical Treatment Of Thin People.

“There is literally nothing at Rochester he can wear. He’s forced to shop at Nordstrom, Bloomingdale’s, Brooks Brothers, Macy’s, Tommy Hillfiger, Abercrombie & Fitch, The Gap, Neiman Marcus, Dillard’s, Barney’s, Saks Fifth Avenue and even Sears. How is that fair?”