California Seething: President Bristol Palin

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city

While mostly regarded as a total crap-fest, the election of 2010 was in fact a bonanza for female conservatives and liberal misogynists.  In the past, I might have been chastised for using terms like “crazy bitch”, “soulless twat” or “batshit Betty”. This election cycle, though, they were essential to any sophisticated political discourse- as in:

“Holy shit, did you hear what that crazy bitch said about jerking off??”

“Yeah, she’s almost as bad as that soulless twat from HP”

“Not to mention the batshit Betty from eBay- you know who I mean, helmet-head.”

I should note that my loathing for these she-publicans is due as much to their politics as to the fact that they dare call themselves “Mama Grizzly” which, as everyone knows, is MY goddamn drag queen name (if you haven’t seen “Mama Grizzly Sings Sondheim” – you really owe it to yourself. It’s 100% Sweet on Bitter Lemons). Honestly, I haven’t been this pissed off since those fucking granola makers stole BearNaked.com right out from under me, and screwed up my porn site (lawsuit pending).

The one consolation is the theory that the world would be better off if women were in charge has been completely blown out of the water. Sure, over the past few millennia, men may have proved to be a bunch of sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigots (per Dolly Parton), but it’s heartening to see that as women ascend to power, they are proving to be just as bad. I would, in fact say, that women are much more dangerous. It is a well-documented scientific fact that men think with their penises, while women think with their brains (even Sarah Palin, to some degree.) Since human beings only use 10% of their brain’s potential, but 100% of their schlong’s, it stands to reason that men are pretty well spent in their capacity for destruction whereas women are just getting started, even if we factor Extenze into the equation. Of course, this means that the human race is totally fucked, but it’s nice to think that us guys won’t be at fault. We’ll all be watching from the sidelines as the planet goes up in a huge fire-ball, shaking our heads, and explaining the tragic turn of events the only way we can- “bitches, man…bitches.”

As disappointing as the election was, the biggest disappointment was the failure of Prop 19 in California. To be honest, though, I was amazed it was able to garner 46% of the vote considering the stiff opposition it faced from both parties (lame-asses) and major media outlets (fucking Narcs). Certainly some of this is due in some part to the powerful pizza delivery and snack cake lobbies (Little Debbie is the original Mama Grizzly), and to the campaign slogan: “Vote Yes on Prop 19, Johnny. All the cool kids are doing it” A lot of credit, though, goes to the grass-roots efforts of stoners, and I am hoping that this strong showing finally dispels the myth that potheads are unmotivated and lazy and shows just how strong willed, hard working and dedicated they can be when it comes to weed. After all, I don’t see anyone going down to Washington Square Park in the freezing cold to spend half the day making eye contact with dreadlocked strangers hoping to score free parking at State Parks or devoting an entire afternoon to scraping a tiny ball of energy legislation resin out of their bowl- that’s a level of persistence only the true stoner can show. Hell, some potheads are so dedicated they’ll even go get jobs or, you know, they would, if such things still existed. (Remember jobs? Good times.)

Since I’ve lost my taste for crippling anxiety and Ho-Ho’s, I don’t really smoke anymore. I still avidly support legalization, though, if only so that future generations don’t ever have to know the pain of schlepping from one empty dealer’s apartment to another during Christmas break, hoping to find one guy that hasn’t gone back to Long Island for the holidays only to end up buying from the creepy old guy (38) who runs the health food store and lives in the basement amidst the smells of compost, bongwater and sodomy (purely hypothetical scenario.) Also, there are sure to be economic benefits to legalization- at least until Big Doobage figures out that they can get shit cheaper oversees and all the small Humbolt County farmers get put out of business, working for Walmart, pushing cheap Chinese chronic (the Melanine makes it super-trippy.) Even worse, they could end up at the Urth Café hawking fair trade Ugandan swag and talking about the herby, smoky flavor profile. Of course, you could grow your own, but try getting someone on the line from tech support to help out with your grow lights. I don’t think there is even a word in Hindi for “kind bud.”

Of course, my favorite thing about voting is showing my moral superiority by wearing the “I Voted” sticker- and clearly I’m not the only one who feels that way. In fact, the sticker was recently rated #3 on the list of America’s Favorite Smug-cessories- right between KCRW Fringe Benefits Card and Prius (Lesbian daughter is still #1.) Of course, to get the sticker, I needed to actually vote — which seems simple enough but is actually, for me, a complex 6 step process- as follows:

Step #1: Remember where I was living the last time I bothered to change the address on my voter registration- sometime between voting for John Kerry and Gary Coleman (what a joke campaign that was- I mean “John Kerry for President” – puh-leeze.).

Step #2: Locate my polling place. In New York State, this would have been a school or community center so, naturally, in LA, it’s typically a retail establishment. For the past couple of elections, it’s been at “Interiors Made Eeezy”, but one glorious year it was at Smart and Final- so I was able to do my civic duty while picking up a 24 pack of paper towels and giant can of nacho cheese.

Step #3: Convince someone to give me a ride to the polling place (low rent dental clinic). Sweeten the deal by offering free lunch at Wendy’s (French fries or Baked Potato — now that’s Democracy in action!)

Step #4: Check in with polling place volunteers. It’s a little known fact that these volunteers are actually selected on the basis of having been rejected from every other volunteer opportunity, except for goiter research and that they have to meet the minimum age requirement of “dirt”.

Step #5: Select the leader who will be responsible for guiding one of the largest tech economies into the future by poking a piece of paper with a pointy stick and shoving it into a box. Get sticker (Hurray!)

Step #6: Watch election results. Look for theatres hiring in Saskatchewan. Drink heavily.

As you can see, it’s kind of a pain in the ass — and likely to remain this way until California comes to its senses and candidates are finally selected based on the number of “Likes” they receive on Facebook. Of course, this means that we will probably end up with “My sister will name her baby Megatron” or “If God has ever answered a prayer for you press like!!!! or “?” as our governor, but fortunately we’ll all be too stoned to care. Besides, it’ll be President Bristol Palin’s problem by then.

featured image credit: jgarber