Since I believe this is still such an important topic and the ONE thing I would tell people about to reproduce, it’s my favorite piece from the last year. Also because it has ‘prairie dogging’ it’ somewhere in there. How can you not like a story with THAT phrase in it? Frankie Says…. Take care of someone else’s children before you have your own. As a single female, frequent babysitter and auntie since the day I was born (complicated family make-up), I have the distinct authority to recommend that everyone, and I mean everyone should go through an overnight care-taking situation with friends or family prior to popping out their own. This past weekend my sister and her husband took off to Miami for a wedding. They have never left their two children – Jay, age 4 and Lily, age 2 – alone before this getaway, so naturally my sister was freaking out. She still hadn’t weaned Lily and James still won’t sleep alone. I was pretty clear on what I was in for, but thank god I had my niece (from a different sister), Sydney, there to help out. Wednesday night until Sunday morning I played mommy with Sydney, driving around in my Mom-Mobile, with my Mom music playing and my Mom outfits on. Now for me – someone who’s been a live-in nanny, traveled abroad as a nanny, babysits at least a couple times a week – this wasn’t a super stressful weekend. However, if I had put ten of my single, 20-something friends up to the task of Lily and Jay, I think 7 of them would end the weekend with a vasectomy/hysterectomy. On Thursday, Day Number 1, both the kiddies were throwing tantrums because their parents were nowhere to be...
SEXpectations [Frankie V.]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie asks… Is meaningful bad sex better than meaningless good sex? This question has boggled me for years, just over a decade to be precise, since I first started having sex. At first, like all young girls who venture into the complicated realm of intercourse, I thought that when I man had sex with me, that meant that they loved me, or at least cared very deeply for me. And so I went through the trials and tribulations of finding out that that is most certainly not true. Once I found this out, and at the bare minimum trained my brain to think this way – that men are primal pigs and just because they sleep with me does not mean that they will call me – I began to treat them with a dose of their own medicine. I guess you could call it a personal sexual revolution – an experimental stage? – Letting go? – Promiscuous moments? Whatever it was, I got the chance to sleep with a variety of men, all of who had a variety of skill level in the coital department. Don’t get me wrong – I wasn’t a complete slut. Really, if you compare it to guys’ numbers, I was way below. (P.S. if a man tells you he has slept with 5 women, it’s 10; 15, it’s 30; 50? It’s most definitely over 100. Don’t kid yourself.) So sometimes it was just a weeklong fling, others it was a short-term relationship…sometimes it was a one-night stand. But when I was in the relationships with someone who was subpar in the sack, I would end up convincing myself that because he cared about me and I cared about him, it didn’t matter that the sex wasn’t great. Then,...
Moving On and Moving Up [Frankie Says…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie says… Moving on is moving up. I’ve recently gone through some career changes that will ultimately affect my life, and vice versa, of course. When is one not intrinsically attached to the other? For years now, I’ve been supporting myself as a nanny. I was able to begin my writing career because of the flexibility and pay of babysitting. I was able to then foray into producing, again because of the flexibility and pay of babysitting. Now, in the last month, I’ve just quit my last babysitting gig. I have been making enough money as a writer and producer to cut the umbilical cord – pun noted. And just as leaving the comfort of a relationship, stagnant as it may be, can be disconcerting, so is leaving the comfort of a job, even when you don’t love it anymore. I am happy to report that in the last four weeks, I have never been busier – averaging six assignments a week and signing on to another short film as producer. But, but… I seem to be waiting for that proverbial other shoe to drop. What happens when I don’t have six, or even one assignment per week? What do I do then? Call up the families and tell them they must desperately need a date night? I hate that feeling, uncertainty. That’s why I’ve always kept babysitting in my back pocket, because I was never certain that I wouldn’t need it, at some point. But writing and producing just got to be too much (in a good way) and I knew I couldn’t commit to these kids when I was texting/calling/emailing directors, DPs, producers, etc., as their swings swung slower and slower, eventually stopping while my mouth was popping away to Mr. So-and-so....
Friends vs ‘Friends’ [Frankie Says…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie says… Facebook friends do not friends equal. Since joining Facebook, I have amassed friends that are not actually my friends in real life. Mostly, these people are acquaintances from my past or were friends of mine at some point in time. But it’s curious that before Facebook or MySpace or any cyber social networking, you didn’t stay in touch with people that you went out of touch with. And it’s not that I even stay in touch with them now. I usually just get to see what they are ‘liking’ or what song they might be listening to at a given time or what corny photo-op they’ve posted on their timeline. Yet I don’t want to de-friend them, just because I don’t see them or talk to them. I am curious about their lives. I feel like looking into their lives is a barometer of my own life. Not in any judgmental sort of way, not like I’m trying to measure myself against their lives per se (although ‘barometer’ does have to do with measurement), but more like looking at a magazine. I don’t compare myself to the size 00 models, but I can critique what they’re wearing; I don’t write what Joel Stein is writing, but I can be interested in it and learn from his content. What I find most odd, and something I experienced recently, is when you visit a place where you have lots of Facebook ‘friends’ from and you don’t take the time to see them. Why didn’t I meet up with them, have a drink or two? I’m curious about how they’re doing, what they’re doing, but it’s that effort of putting yourself out there – actually, physically – and finding friendship where the friendship fizzled long...
Mommy Issues: Parents are People Too [FRANKIE SAYS…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie says… Parents are people, too. Since I recently wrote about my daddy issues, I find it only fair to write about my mommy issues as well. Now my issues surrounding her are not so definable – they’re much more convoluted and intrinsic to that weird and confusing bond between a mother and a daughter. I can tell you this, though: it makes me not want a daughter. Harsh? Well, it’s how I feel, at least for now. After all the stages daughters go through – immense attachment (0-8), awkward friendship (9-13), intense hatred and rebellion (14-18), clarity of collaborative forces (19-25), then the slow and eventual reveal that your mother is actually a person too and does not exist solely in your head (26 on) – it’s a wonder we’re not all more messed up than we are. This last stage, this is where I am at. I obviously cannot talk about what happens after, since I have not experienced it yet, but I’m hoping pretty hard that there are some more stages because the one I’m in sucks. Now that I am fully an adult, (in some circles) and am making life decisions on my own that will affect my existence from here on out, it’s come to my attention that my mother at some point had to make these same decisions. Not the exact same ones, but similar in the fact that they would impact the rest of her life. At 28, already my mom had three girls from her first husband (an abusive alcoholic) whom she was about to divorce in the next year or so. After that, she would join a commune in southern France, leaving her girls to essentially fend for themselves with the grandparents and not-all-there father...
Daddy Issues [Frankie Says…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie says… Sometimes you just have to put your foot down. For me it happened this week, when I realized that the man I was falling for was utterly, ultimately f-ed up. He was going to drag me down with him, or worse, use me like he uses the other girls. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have what the masses call ‘daddy issues.’ Actually, that’s a lie. I have always used that term loosely when describing my issues with men, but only recently has it actually had any weight. I always used it in this ethereal, unattached way – like even if I said it, it wasn’t actually me with the issue. I never truly believed it, just assumed it was part of my cultural make-up. Now, it’s showing its authenticity in the men I choose. They are usually in the same line of work my father is in, emotionally they are haywire, and they always don’t necessarily like me to begin with. It’s the winning them over that gives me the first thrill. It’s the power of turning them, making them see me and want to be with me. This resonates with the little girl in me who knew she had a father out there, but he didn’t want me – left before I was born and didn’t seem to care all that much that I existed until many, many years later, when I made him see me, made him want me. That initial gaining of control is what hooks me, and them. After that it turns into a game of ‘I like you. Do you like me?’ The constant search of approval, in whatever form it comes – sex is most often the medium. So I use that to keep...
Procrastinate on This and THE AWESOME GIRL’S GUIDE TO DATING EXTRAORDINARY MEN Update[Friday Edition]...
posted by Ernessa T. Carter
Before we get into this week’s batch of procrastination, some news news on the next book front. We were shooting for summer, but we’ve now been scheduled for this October. And I should have an exact date soonish, too. So stay tuned for that announcement. Meanwhile, here’s a whole bunch of procrastination to get you through the weekend. 1. Listen to Arthur C. Clarke (author of 2001) tell a kid who will be in his 30s in 2001, what his computer life will be like in 2001 — and pretty much nail it. This made me a little sad for all the futuristic stuff I know is coming but won’t see within my lifetime. Hopefully they really will figure out how to upload our consciousnesses into machines one of these before-I-die days. [Arthur C. Clarke] 2. Here are some scholarships for moms seeking degrees. [Consumerist] 3. Good news, Throne nerds, GAME OF THRONES has been renewed for a third season. [Deadline Hollywood] 4. Watch a self-driving Google car take a blind man to Taco Bell. Is it wrong that I almost don’t want to buy this house we’re waiting to hear back about, because I want to have money at the avail to buy one of these self-driving cars as soon as they come out? [Digital Trends] 5. This is really amazing advice for getting ish done when you have no free time, but still want to get your side hustle on. Right now I’m working on a non-fiction and fiction book in tandem, and these tips are helping me stay caught up with both. Keep in mind, I’m only recommending the blog post itself. I haven’t bought any of the products advertised in the banner and sidebar. [I Will Teach You to Be Rich]...
Learning by Mistaking [Frankie Says…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie Says… Triple check everything before you send it to the editor. By day I’m a writer. By night… I’m a producer. Actually that’s not entirely true. Yes, I’m a writer and yes, I’m a producer, but that first sentence just sounded cool so I wanted to write it that way. Day and night, I’m pretty much doing both all the time. I didn’t go to school for either profession, but serendipitously I have found myself quite happy in my career choices, although it took a while to get here. But having not gone to school there are situations I have come across, and continue to come across still, where I am just completely ill-equipped to be handling these said situations. Take for instance, my recent article publishing on a high profile website. The editor said she loved the story – great news. It was on the front page of the site – great news. Twenty minutes after the story goes up I get an email from a producer on the film I was writing about saying I spelled the title wrong – shit news. I scramble and email my editor, apologizing profusely. She changes it accordingly, but says that she is ‘dismayed’ at how a journalist could get something like that incorrect. Dismayed. Ouch. That had the same sting as when, at age 12, you are told by a parent that they aren’t mad at you, just disappointed. It’s a searing sentence that sits in your stomach. You know you’re not just bad, but stupid too. In my opinion stupid is worse than being bad. At least bad has a motivation behind it, usually. Stupid is just, well, stupid. No forethought goes into stupid. So here I was, with my pants down, begging...
Liz Lemon vs. Carrie Bradshaw — Frankie Says..[XXOO]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie Says… Tina Fey is my idol. When I first started writing, I thought of myself as a very young Carrie Bradshaw – all gumption and glory, no consequences or catastrophes. But through the last two-and-a-half years there have been a few consequences and some minor, but significant catastrophes in my freelance writing world. I am a more cautious and thoughtful writer now. Moreover, I use a pseudonym so that I can, when necessary, write like a complete jerk who doesn’t have to deal with consequences or catastrophes. Nowadays, I see myself more as a Liz Lemon (nee Tina Fey) than a Carrie Bradshaw. Two years in and I don’t own any Jimmy Choos, I don’t have an awesome East Village apartment, and I definitely don’t have a stream of good-looking men I get to sleep with and then throw away. Instead, I have a modest apartment in Los Angeles, a tiny closet full of Nine West shoes, and I wear sweatpants and t-shirts about two-thirds of the week. Like Liz/Tina, I have nasty habits that include eating breakfast standing up in my miniscule kitchen wearing only underwear, cutting my toenails in bed where I find bits of nail sticking into my side about a week later, and wearing inappropriate outfits to either get me in to something or out of something (think Liz in full Princess Lea gear to get out of jury duty). The guys I end up dating for very short periods of time are a) crazy (Matt Damon aka “Carol Burnett”), b) losers (Dean Winters aka “Dennis Duffy”), or c) possess weird quirks that even quirky me can’t get over (Jon Hamm aka “Drew Baird”). But don’t be fooled by me ripping Liz/Tina apart and putting myself on that same...
BFFs for…Life? [Frankie Says…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie Asks… Does growing up have to mean growing apart? Every time I’ve seen my best friend, J., over the past few years there’s been just a little more tension than the last time. Is it all in my head? Does she feel it too? Am I the only one that feels that ever since we moved out of the same apartment, five years ago, our relationship has diminished to – dare I say it – good acquaintances? I find myself not telling her about aspects of my new ‘Hollywood’ life – so different from the party years spent in San Diego with her – or selectively mentioning this guy or that, when before I’d analyze every detail of every new date with her. Is it just because we’re growing into different people as we live these separate lives, or is it because we’re not a part of each other’s lives anymore that I feel this way? These questions have been haunting me for a while now, and more in the last few months since her marriage to her longtime boyfriend, C. Funny story about that, actually. The boyfriend. So back in 2006, when they first met, she’d been seeing another guy. This other guy was a friend of mine before C. and she had started dating and I was sort of his champion, even though he was certainly of questionable character and the two of them had quite the volatile relationship. I guess I thought mad love was better than a secure relationship. (I was 22, if I can use that as an excuse…) So when C. came along and started to whisk her away from mad love man, I told her that I thought she was doing the wrong thing, choosing him....
What I love… [Frankie Says…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie Says… TRY IT. In the spirit of love and all that crap, I’ll give you a snapshot list of all the things I love in my life right now: I love warm LA days in February. I love my new apartment. I love making eggs with sautéed kale or spinach in the morning and eating it standing up in my kitchen. I love seeing my name in print – one of the many perks of getting published and the biggest rush when you flip to that page. I love Sunday dinners with my family. I love my mom. I love my hair – (I’m blessed with great hair, what can I say?) I love looking at the books on my shelf that I have no time to read. I love checking things off my to-do list. I love boys. I love being confident in being single. I love Starbucks Valentine’s cup (however, I do not love Starbucks.) I love sitting in coffee shops and writing. I love people watching in coffee shops, too. I love new music – anything different and non-mainstream. I love my bed. I love scarves. I love greaser boys – their outfits make me smile. I love finding a new great watering hole and sitting at the bar alone. I love going to the movies alone, and I love that my older sister cries because she thinks it’s so sad that I go to the movies alone. I love movies. I love making movies. I love film festivals. I love dressing up. I love buying new dresses, even if they sit in my closet for months unworn. I love shopping online for shoes, putting them in my basket, and then clicking out of the page. I love making fun...
Sundance at it’s Best and Worst [Frankie Says…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie Says… This is the low of Sundance for me. I thought I’d write about the low for two reasons: 1) I’m good at complaining, and 2) Everyone knows the highs of Sundance – great movies, talented filmmakers, super fun parties, great networking, snow. This morning started off great, I’d gotten more sleep than I had since I arrived and the sunrise was glowing with deep grey clouds above it (yes, I had to get up at sunrise). Everything went downhill from there. I saw a boring movie, my computer decided to stop connecting to any wi-fi and I got a screening time mixed up and missed my friend’s film. Now I’m typing in the lobby of the Marriott with a fireplace and a few people sitting around me. I feel like I’ve wasted a whole day and the feeling is bothering me to the point that I want to have a cigarette. But get this; after taking that cigarette break, I sat back down and the leads, director and producer of I AM NOT A HIPSTER were sitting next to me. This movie was incredible and will definitely be picked up by a distributor here. I started a conversation and they are all really keen on me writing about them and their work. Score! Just like that, my day full of missed opportunities turned into one great opportunity. And that’s why the lows of Sundance can easily turn into highs… none of it sucks. This place and this time is like the mecca of networking. And everyone knows that networking is half the battle in Hollywood. A low is only a low for as long as you want to look at it that way. I know that sounds very new-agey, glass-is-half-full kind of...
Sibling Rivalry? [Frankie Says]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie says… There is no relationship I can think of as complex as a sibling’s. There can be intense hate between two siblings in one moment, and three hours later there’s joking and laughter. But wait another hour and someone will have made a snarky comment and we’re back to intense hate. Christmas always brings these thoughts to the forefront for me, since I get to see all of my siblings during the holidays – there are six of us, including me. Three of us are here in Los Angeles and the other three are back in Massachusetts. This particular holiday season I got to see my little sister who at 24 is 3 ½ years my younger. She and I have the most contentious relationship out of all my other siblings. And I have two theories about this: A) we’re the closest in age compared to the rest of my siblings, or B) we’re polar opposites… plus side and minus side…yin and yang. You catch my drift… However, I’m proud to say that the week spent with her there was barely any fighting – certainly no raised voices or tears like there usually is. Some heated conversations and debates, but that was it. It seemed that anytime we began to raise our voices, one of us would stop and reassess what we were arguing about and simply stop. We’d just shut up. And there’d be a few minutes of silence and then on to chatting about a completely different topic. It fascinates me that my siblings are the ones I can tell anything to and nothing to. It’s so easy to spill your guts and relate your darkest fears or stupidest stories, but at the same time keeping little details from them because...
Date online with caution… [Frankie Says…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie says… Date online with caution. (Should go without saying, but hey… a little reinforcement never hurt anyone – myself included.) I am very likely going to completely embarrass myself by telling this story, but it’s too juicy and ridiculous and hysterical not to tell… A few weeks ago I signed up for a dating website that caters to pretty girls looking for…well, let’s just be out with it – sugar daddies. Yes, I, an intelligent, independent, hard-working young woman, signed up for a sugar daddy dating site. So as not get into the reasons why too deeply, I’ll just say that I was incredibly tired of meeting guys that couldn’t even afford to take me out to dinner, or only wanted sex, or never wanted sex, or any of the other myriad mismatched dating situations I found myself in. I’d tried a couple of other traditional dating sites with not much success (nor effort, I must admit, but it’s so hard when all I get is, xxx_Romeo_xxx who is 5’5” 250 lbs. from West Covina wants to meet you!). So I stepped up the playing field a little and went to what I’ll call “Sugar.com.” After a couple weeks of 70-year-olds, fat men, ugly men, creepy men, and men who were married, a Dean Cain look-alike contacted me. He was 35, lived in Los Angeles and had a hefty income. We’ll call him Andrew. I jumped at the opportunity. I emailed back, we chatted a bit, and then started texting and trying to find a time to meet. I was having an exceptionally busy week, and he seemed just as tied up. He invited me to his holiday party at his Hollywood Hills house (who am I kidding? His Hollywood Hills mansion), on...
Getting Older, or Just Wiser? [Frankie Says…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie says… Get off your lazy ass, you 20-something. Having just turned 28, I feel I can now say things like, “That generation…” and “Those kids…” Twenty-eight is decidedly ‘in your late 20s’ and there’s no skirting around it. So, as a late 20-something, I’d like to express my extreme disappointment in all the early 20-somethings. They have this grudge they carry around, this expectation that the world owes them something, yet they haven’t done anything to deserve it. They believe that holding four different consecutive jobs over the last year (picking crops on an organic farm, bartending at a bistro, working at a record shop, and nannying) somehow means they’ve lived, that they know the world. Because they moved across country and stayed with their aunt and uncle for four months and tried making it work, they think they’ve traveled. And all the while, one or both of their parents are paying their cell phone bill and/or car insurance and/or rent. What is wrong with them? What in god’s name did their parents do to them to instill this horrid sense of entitlement? And why is it across an entire generation? It’s as if all parents in America read the same shitty magazine article somewhere between 1986 and 1991 where they were told that A) praising your child, no matter what, is good; B) positive reinforcement is key; and C) don’t say ‘no,’ talk about it instead. I have been catching up on Mad Men (thank you Netflix screening), and even though at times The Draper’s child rearing seems harsh, those parents were raising self-sufficient, driven and ambitious children. I’m deliberately ignoring the fact that they were also probably terribly sexually repressed, but let’s just focus on the social for now and forget...
The Innocence of a Book [FRANKIE SAYS…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie says… Try to pretend every now and then. I heard this author speaking about her most recent book on NPR the other day. She was saying how her four main characters were so different, but were all really just pieces of her. I envied her ability to make things up, her obvious grasp on fiction – something I’ve never had when it comes to writing, nor in life for that matter. I’m horrible at making things up, pretending I like people, masking my emotions. If I could just master that art of fiction, of make-believe and pretend, I do believe my life would be a lot easier… like when I was a child. As a kid, I could read for hours, fictional tale upon fictional tale. And then I’d imagine myself as those characters – be it the damsel in distress or the charming go-getter busy bee. Now, I can’t even read fiction let alone pretend I’m part of it. And that’s sad. Really, it is. Why do we lose that ability to mimic our deepest and most secret desires? I know that sounds like some soupy and metaphysical, stick-a-pipe-in-your-mouth kind of question, but it’s really been bothering me lately. This loss of innocence is weird, really. As we grow, we tend to think of how we gain things – boobs, bodily hair, money, wisdom, and many more things. There aren’t too many things that we lose, and by far the biggest of them is this ability to believe in fiction. I’m not talking about the ability to believe in Santa Clause or the Tooth Fairy, I’m talking about the ability to suspend our non-fiction lives for a few moments to enjoy, say, a fictional story from a book. I think the only...
The Single Girl’s Dilemma [Frankie Says…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie asks… Is it easier to be single than to be in a difficult relationship? I know on the surface that question looks relatively easy to answer. You’re mouth may even be half open with a quick answer and witty reasoning. However, you’ll be stumped. Really. Ask yourself, or better yet, ask someone else, and they’ll most likely answer quickly, then their voice will trail off and they’ll rethink their answer, second-guess their motives and reasons for answering that way. And then, of course, if you’ve been single for a long time, you’re going to answer the latter. And if you’ve been in a relationship, maybe a rocky one, you’re going to answer the former. Like I’ve mentioned before in my blogs, I’ve been single for over four years now. That is, up until two months ago. I have been hesitant to write anything about it yet (not that the guy knows I even blog or that I blog on here – so I should be safe from any repercussions), but I’ve been hesitant because I felt like I’d just gotten my groove as the ultimate single girl – confident, comfortable, even a bit chipper about it. And my blog was sort of in my head dedicated to that new me. But as luck (or fate or destiny or timing or whatever you want to call it) has it, I met someone. And without going into great detail, because honestly not all of it even adds up for me, we had a really fun beginning to our relationship – all 10 days of it. And after 10 days, the shit hit the fan. He went through some very tough personal conflicts and amongst them was losing his car, his job, a bunch of money...
The Way of the Modern Woman (or Man) [Frankie Says…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie says… Always have at least two to three jobs. The difference between Carrie Bradshaw and myself is pretty slim: she has an insanely expensive shoe collection of Manolo Blahniks and Jimmy Choo’s and the cutest rent-controlled apartment in all of Manhattan. Otherwise, we’re both with cigarette in hand and typing on our Macs about relatively unimportant topics like cute guy in the coffee shop we frequent, or last night’s horrible date, or a disagreement with a friend. Where I take issue with Ms. Bradshaw is in the very difference of our so-called economic status. (Yes, yes I know she is a fictional character, but for arguments’ sake and because she was a very real part of my life for 10 years, let’s just pretend we’re in the same universe, shall we?) I live in a crappy single on the Westside and drive a crappy little car. I can afford new shoes from the DSW clearance section about twice a year. And I have to drink well-vodka sodas, not pretty pink $15 cosmos. However, my situation has recently changed. In addition to my income as a freelancer (low, I assure you, and unpredictable), and my side job as a nanny (8 hours a week at $15/hr), I’ve gotten two more jobs! The first is about 5-10 hours a week reorganizing an artist friend’s studio at $15/hr and the second is another part-time nanny gig for 15 hours a week at $17/hr. I’m up about $1400 each month. This is hugely significant in my life. This means I can actually entertain the idea of moving into a bigger place and I can finally pay off my credit cards. I was even naughty and saw a pair of pants I liked at the Steven Alan Outpost...
Online Dating – A Window into The Stupids [Frankie Says…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie Asks… Would You Date ME If I Wrote That?? In my quest for the perfect man (or just any man that will stick around really – yea, I’m that desperate), I’ve been online dating for about a year now. We’ve all heard the horror stories – the ‘date that looks nothing like their picture’ story, the ‘creepy date who confesses their love on first date’ story, the silent date, the date that won’t shut up, the no show. Yes, I’d say (from no actual statistical knowledge whatsoever) that about 75 percent of 21-35 year olds have told the above stories to their eager and smug attached friends a few times at least. I have. But I’m going to give you a little window into the the pre-dating online dating situation: the Internet pick-up line. It’s wondrous simplicity and cave man-like attributes; it’s undeniable hilarity and bottom of the food chain attractiveness. Below are some stunning examples of messages I’ve received off of plentyoffish.com. Now maybe it’s my fault for using a free site, or maybe, just maybe, the dating pool is about 95 percent full of imbeciles. (All grammatical errors have been kept for posterity) “You are the gilfriend I always want it. I would like to date you. Lets go out on a date.” Tempting, because I know that he knows I’m exactly what he was looking for – based on my six profile pictures and 200-word essay about what I want in a guy. “lol your mom is pretty stylish” One of my pictures has my mother in it. Astute dude for picking up on that, but I’m pretty sure he got his dating skills from his incestuous step father. Sad story… “how r u? i’m 26 army guy , i...
A Cheatee’s Dilemma [Frankie Says…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie asks… What is in for the cheatee? So I’m still feeling out my blogging skills and testing out my format, and I’ve done some thinking… I’m not right all the time. In fact, that’s just what my post was about a few weeks ago. So, in that vein of honesty and self-awareness (which I have a ton of), I’ll occasionally be using the format of the above question, ‘Frankie asks…’ instead of ‘Frankie says…’ Back to the subject at hand…Frankie Asks… A few weeks ago, I found myself at a seedy hotel bar in a sexy situation. An old fling from high school – if I can even call him that – was in town on business. This boy, now a man, had had a crush on me from the first day of school when I began as a sophomore. He relentlessly pursued me for the next three years, and every holiday after that when we’d run into each other. And I, usually the type to go for it, always said no. We became friends throughout our high school years, running in the same circles, making out with each other’s friends. But never each other. A decade later, this man and I were exchanging battle scars from our early 20s and catching up on the last few years we hadn’t spoken. He was doing very well for himself. Even had a live-in girlfriend for the last two years. I got to tell him how well I was doing and it felt good to be adults and share our successes. Then it happened… What I saw wasn’t the silly boy who’d crushed on me for so long. Instead, before me was a man, strong, confident, successful, capable of loving a woman (as the girlfriend...
The Ultimate Guy List [Frankie Says]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie V. says… As a big proponent of list-making, I think every single person should try writing a down all the qualities they want in a significant other – whether attached or not. I know this sounds like stupid new-age BS, which I can’t stand. (Like everyone and their mother picking up yoga because they think it’s cool. It’s not cool, people! It’s fucking hard. And it’s supposed to be. Not everyone is supposed to be able to just waltz into a class and get into Warrior Three without looking like a flaccid duck searching for a landing. It takes years of study and dedication. So don’t tell me you ‘do yoga’ when I can clearly see you have no idea how to do it.) Where was I? Ah yes, list the qualities of someone you’d ultimately like to be in a relationship with. If you’re single it’s something to preoccupy yourself with instead of thinking about how you’re single; and if you’re attached, it’s to clarify that you’re with the right person. I only did it because my friend Rhea told me to. She told me that when she did it within 30 days she met her current live-in boyfriend. She explained it as if it were some magic spell that would instantly be puffed out into the universe and would send me a boyfriend. Well, what else do I have going for me? So I wrote it, and that definitely didn’t happen. Not that I actually thought it would. But I like being able to look back at this list and know that at least in my fantasy world I’ve got a guy that returns my phone calls and likes to have sex a lot. (Rhea also thinks that I purposely, albeit...
No Longer the Bridesmaid [Frankie Says…]
posted by Frankie V
Frankie says… Admit you are wrong, even if you think you are right. This is especially the case when a friend is involved that you would rather keep in your life. And even when it doesn’t involve someone of that importance, it’s a good idea to practice admitting that you were wrong. Because we all are… at some point. And believe me, that’s a hard one to admit coming from a Miss Know-It-All. Actually, I think it is easier to admit wrong when you believe you’re in the right than it is to admit wrong when you’re really, actually wrong. And sometimes it’s not nearly as clear as all that. Take, for example, my writing a blog in which I complained (in a funny, ha-ha, self-defeatist sort of way) about being a bridesmaid. I had been influenced from viewing the recently released, hysterically raunchy Bridesmaids. I cautioned the bride-to-be about my blog (prior to publication) and explained that although it may sound cruel when she reads it, it was a general look at what it’s like to be a bridesmaid and all the shenanigans that ensue, and to not take it personally – i.e. this is not a personal attack on you or your wedding, publication just happens to coincide with your bachelorette weekend and the exact activities we had planned for said weekend are quoted in it (simply because I’m not creative enough to come up with alternative ones on my own.) Now here is where I went wrong. I should have never told her about it. And more importantly, I should NOT have advertised it on Facebook. But I was excited for my first ever blog. Had I kept my mouth shut and my ego in check, I could’ve gotten away with...